Top 122 Toilet Quotes

I visited a new cultural center in Shanghai in 2005 that was pretty much perfect, except for the really badly translated Chinglish signs: a handicapped restroom that said ‘Deformed Man’s Toilet,’ that kind of thing.

I’ve got four kids – I unblock a toilet every day.

Men who consistently leave the toilet seat up secretly want women to get up to go the bathroom in the middle of the night and fall in.

I told CBS, ‘My career is going down the toilet, and you’re pulling the chain.’

I’ve done every series that had gone down the toilet.

A rebel. That was me when I was younger. What was a rebel from New Jersey? A rebel was moving to the Village, not sleeping with top sheets, not eating a hot breakfast in the morning, not having 20 rolls of toilet paper and 10 boxes of Kleenex.

I would wake up really early and go into the hotel bathroom, put a towel over the toilet, and put my laptop there. I’d put my headphones on and just write. And so now when I do writing sessions, and I am stuck on a part, or I can’t figure out a chorus, I’m just like, ‘Give me a second,’ and I’ll go to that bathroom.

One time I tried to use the bathroom in the dark, and I missed the toilet, and I fell on the floor.

Today you can go to a gas station and find the cash register open and the toilets locked. They must think toilet paper is worth more than money.

My advice is before a big ride, eat a meal 2 hours or so before, to allow you to digest and process it, and without being crude, try to get to the toilet before.

Cancer is a great wake-up call. A call to take the tag off the new lingerie and wear that black lacy slip. To open the box of pearls and put them on. To crack open the bath oil beads before they shrivel up in a bowl on the toilet tank.

I don’t think my daughter wants to see me on the toilet. Lila has seen me nude.

I’m an intense singer, so I look like I need the toilet every time I hit a high-note.

When I was about 7 years old, I built a leprechaun trap out of a cardboard box, a biscuit tin and some toilet paper tubes.

There’s nothing quite like exiting a toilet cubicle and seeing a girl running towards you with her hand over her mouth.

Paris’s neighborhoods, the arrondissements, are organized like a twist. They spiral from the river like toilet water flushing in reverse and erupting out of the bowl – a corkscrew or what have you, a flattened pig’s tail, a whorling braid notched one to 20.

I’m a writer who stacks cat food for a living. It’s true: I have a master’s degree in creative writing, I’ve published two critically successful books, and I get paid to replenish the shelves of my local food co-op with pet food, sponges and toilet paper. Nine days out of 10, I do it quite happily.

I never settled because I wasn’t meant to pack toilet rolls or stack shelves.

As a wheelchair user, I am utterly obsessed with toilets, and all my friends know it. A simple invitation to the pub is consistently followed by, ‘Do you know if they have an accessible toilet?’

Essentially, we live in a patriarchy where women are being distracted from realizing their full potential by the amount of time they spend waiting in toilet queues.

Let me make this clear: my impairment is such that without a wheelchair, I can’t do very much for myself. I can’t get out of bed. I can’t get myself to the toilet. I certainly can’t get myself to work.

I grew up on a street that’s similar to the ones you used to see in Coronation Street on TV. We had an outside toilet at the bottom of the yard and I had to share a bedroom until my older sisters left home.

I used to learn my lines on the toilet, in the car, at dinner.

I think it’s weird going to the toilet in clothes. I don’t like it.

The day every poor person in this country has a toilet in his home and his fuel requirements are met, whoever is the PM then shall rule for at least 25 years.

Where do you get lumpy tiles? Well, of course, you don’t. But I get a lot of toilets, and so you just dispatch a toilet with a hammer, and then you have lumpy tiles.

It’s funny: I put money into short films, and I put really good actors in it, and I write some stuff that’s really funny, and I’ll get, like, a million views. But to the right of me, there will be a video of a kitten that falls into a toilet bowl, and it’s three seconds long, and it will get 25 million views.

You know, I’ve been to some superstars’ houses, and I’ve been really disgusted when I see their platinum discs hanging in the toilet. They’re just there on the walls glaring at you when you’re trying to be occupied with other things.

The first beat that I ever made that I thought was actually worth a damn was called ‘Toilet Paper Nostrils,’ and I made it when I had a cold. I had the worst cold ever. And I had toilet-paper nostrils making music, but it was really reflective of how I felt. It was a really sad trumpet sound.

My first exposure to sanitation issues occurred when I got admission into an engineering college. They probably didn’t want to admit me and informed me that there was no ladies toilet in the college. I was adamant and pursued my studies in engineering in that very college.

I refuse to go into a fast-food outlet – to use the toilet even – in case anyone got the wrong idea and thought I was sneaking in a quick burger.

We would say we would play every pay toilet and use our own change. Across America and across the world, we just kept going and going.

I quite enjoy fame, especially when you go to conventions in America where they treat you like a god with stretch limos and the whole fame thing, but then when you come back to Britain, you end up changing in a toilet in a theatre off West End and that’s really good, because that is what it’s about.

I can wash utensils, chop vegetables and can fold beds. I don’t think I can do anything beyond it. In fact, cleaning toilet pots is my biggest nightmare.

When somebody follows you 20 blocks to the pharmacy, where they watch you buy toilet paper, you know your life has changed.

I decided to build a studio in my house. We built it in my basement kitchen. I had the drummer up by the fish tank. I was in the toilet singing. The bass player was out by the shelves in the living room, and the guitarist was on the couch by the telly.

What they have done in Japan, which I find so inspirational, is they’ve brought the toilet out from behind the locked door. They’ve made it conversational. People go out and upgrade their toilet. They talk about it. They’ve sanitized it.

I cleaned many a toilet.

You know how you toilet paper and egg somebody’s house? I did it, right? But I did it back-to-back nights, Saturday and Sunday. They called the police. Good thing nobody got arrested but that was something embarrassing and stupid. Why would you do the same house twice? It was ridiculous.

Hate American toilets with only toilet paper and no bidets.

You can almost judge how screwed up somebody is by the kind of toilet paper they use. Go in any rich house and it’s some weird coloured embossed stuff.

My parents taught me many of the things that people need in life to feel confident: practical things, such as managing finances, mucking out the goat barn, cleaning a house, doing repairs, mending a broken roof or a toilet.

I used to throw stuff out of the window and trash hotel rooms – and superglue all the drawers shut and superglue the toilet seat down and superglue the phone to the nightstand – and all kinds of stuff. I had a chain saw for a while. I didn’t really use it but once or twice.

NASA asked me to create meals for the space shuttle. Thai chicken was the favorite. I flew in a fake space shuttle, but I have no desire to go into space after seeing the toilet.

My mother always told me, ‘I didn’t make a perfume or go sell toilet paper. I did something good with my name.’

You know you’re big when you sit in the bathtub and the water in the toilet rises.

I’ll never have a house party again. You stand around for ages worried that nobody’s coming and the next minute you’re queuing for your own toilet while someone you’ve never met is asking you if you know whose party this is.

When someone follows you all the way to the shop and watches you buy toilet roll, you know your life has changed.

I was sitting in the toilet and I was by myself. I was tired of playing with the roller, so I said I’d better write a book.

Now, as husbands go, I have to admit I did all right. Joe is unquestionably handsome, doesn’t leave ragged toenail clippings scattered about the house, and has never once, in nearly five thousand days of togetherness, left the toilet seat up.

You can flush my ashes down the toilet, for all I care.

I live with three boys, and I can’t tell you how hard it is to get your hands on toilet paper. They steal it.

In captivity, one loses every way of acting over little details which satisfy the essentials of life. Everything has to be asked for: permission to go to the toilet, permission to ask a guard something, permission to talk to another hostage – to brush your teeth, use toilet paper, everything is a negotiation.

Can you imagine a guy breaking into your car, and he steals your guitar case ’cause he thinks it’s a guitar, and he gets it home and opens it up and there’s a rake inside it, an electric toilet plunger and a dog skull? That actually happened.

There is a lot of rubbish written about toilet humour – people saying it is childish and pretending it is beneath them – but there is no doubting the effectiveness of a really good willy gag.

You do not get gold stars for cleaning your toilet. In actual life, there is a depressing lack of stickers.

My mother, who died aged 82, had Alzheimer’s. Losing your memory is bad enough, but everything shuts down. You can’t remember how to eat or go to the toilet. It’s a terrible disease and so distressing to watch it take over someone you love.

Rightly or wrongly, the Victorian considered that there were certain subjects which were not meet for inter-sexual discussion, just as they held that certain processes of the feminine toilet, like the powdering of the nose and the application of lipstick to the mouth, were (if done at all) better done in private.

It used to be that comic strips were the big thing, and comic books were toilet paper.

I was born in a house without a light or a toilet, so why would I forget who I am or where I come from?

Save the Children is also working to improve accommodation for refugee families living outside settlements. I met a family which had been living in a substandard building without windows, doors or a toilet.

I was never the class clown or put on shows at home. I never thought of acting as something I could do with my life. When I was a kid, I used to run around wrapped in toilet paper so I could be the Mummy. But that wasn’t a sign that I was dreaming of being an actor. I was just an odd child.

I have always had a ridiculous fear that I will walk into the bathroom one morning and find a python in my toilet.

If you’re embarking around the world in a hot-air balloon, don’t forget the toilet paper.

And I have this little litany of things they can do. And the first one, of course, is to write – every day, no excuses. It’s so easy to make excuses. Even professional writers have days when they’d rather clean the toilet than do the writing.

The only reason I’d bring a Bible out here is if I needed toilet paper.

Poop humor is fun. If you do the toilet scenes well and commit to them, they can be really, really powerful.

I could never plan to have a career that went this well… you know, there were times when it didn’t: when it went into the toilet, or ducked, or was difficult to get moving.

I can tell you, going out to buy toilet paper in the U.S. is a completely predictable experience.

My most vivid memory – it’s actually one of my first memories – I was three, and I was the youngest angel in the show production. And I remember being absolutely desperate for the toilet. I needed to wee really badly. So I was crossing my legs when I was walking down.

I love ‘Sky Whale!’ I play it in bed, I play it in church, I even play it on the toilet!

When you go to jail, there’s so much simple stuff missing. You just want some good toilet paper or a real toothbrush, a real blanket and a real bed to lay in.

Being on the toilet stool is the grossest thing there is, to me.

Well, my wife and I were married in a toilet – it was a marriage of convenience!

Modi says he built 850,000 toilets in Bihar one week. That’s roughly 1.5 toilets per second. We can’t even go to the toilet in that much time.

I grew up in a world with my father where you learnt to iron, you learnt to cook, you learnt how to clean the toilet… I want my children to be the same… I want them to be anywhere in the world and be able to cope.

Only in the nineteenth century, with the improvements to the water supply forced by the fear of cholera, and with the building of underground sewers, did the flushing toilet finally take its place in most homes.

You do live longer with bran, but you spend the last fifteen years on the toilet.

The Pacific is the best toilet for satellites.

In our skulls, we carry around 3 pounds of slimy, wet, greyish tissue, corrugated like crumpled toilet paper. You wouldn’t think, to look at the unappetizing lump, that it was some of the most powerful stuff in the known universe.

Yup, the toilet is my best friend before a show.

You learn a lot about people when you’re sitting on their bathroom floor or on their toilet seat, rifling through their stuff.

I don’t think many people understand what racism is. The intellectuals use it like toilet paper; it’s something they can use. It’s not something they live.

Even if my job for the day is cleaning the vents or fixing the toilet, it still feels good to be a part of the space program and advancing exploration.

In awe, I watched the waxing moon ride across the zenith of the heavens like an ambered chariot towards the ebony void of infinite space wherein the tethered belts of Jupiter and Mars hang, for ever festooned in their orbital majesty. And as I looked at all this I thought… I must put a roof on this toilet.

We actually had a toilet on the sideline in college. We had like a little mini-toilet; we’d go and flush it.

It is better to have a relationship with someone who cheats on you than with someone who does not flush the toilet.

In the period where I had to live the life of a citizen – a life where, like everybody else, I did tons of laundry and cleaned toilet bowls, changed hundreds of diapers and nursed children – I learned a lot.

No innovation in the past 200 years has done more to save lives and improve health than the sanitation revolution triggered by invention of the toilet. But it did not go far enough. It only reached one-third of the world.

In my childhood, we had only one toilet. It was my dream then to have a good bathroom where you can have undisturbed bath.

The main part of the house is a deep red and I have butterscotch carpet. And I have a bathroom with leopard skin floor, wallpaper and toilet.

In Salford, we had fish in our tap water. I remember, one hot summer day, running to the toilet at playtime and dunking our heads in a sink full of water. I remember putting my head in and seeing all these little fish in it.

I married a man who isn’t afraid to wash a dish, scrub a toilet, or have his unibrow waxed into submission by a licensed professional.

I have no system of writing. It’s chaos. I could be upside down on my bedroom floor; I’ll be scribbling on a pad that I’ll then lose. I’ll be on the toilet with my laptop on, sitting in the pub with my iPad.

Here in the Netherlands there are towns that take part in the throwing of toilet bowls for a laugh.

In politics, you’re like a toilet seat: you’re up one day and down the next.

I am proud to say that I plastic-wrapped Bruno Ricci’s toilet in his trailer.

Today, the degradation of the inner life is symbolized by the fact that the only place sacred from interruption is the private toilet.

I’ve fixed the toilet. And I’ve been crawling in claustrophobic places… you have to deal with that when you become a homeowner.

My country is in the toilet. And when my country is in the toilet, the world is in the toilet.

In Michigan, a liberal democrat raised taxes and kept their government programs at the same level. And guess what? Their economy continued into the toilet, it continued down.

After a life deprived of everything from romantic love to the choice of when to wake up in the morning, after 29 years without the ability to have a career or even to be alone at toilet, the Bijani sisters are not symbols but women who have had to live a shared life of constant, quotidian sacrifice.

It is not easy to calculate the cost of land to build individual or community toilet systems. But we need to account for it when we total up the true cost of sanitation.

Well, I don’t use the toilet much to pee in. I almost always pee in the yard or the garden, because I like to pee on my estate.

I’m the king of napping. I can nap and I snore. Then I wake up, go to the toilet, wash my face, have a coffee and it’s like a brand new day.

Rome is the capital of Europe; it’s as simple as that. You need to see what the Romans did 2,000 years ago. They were so advanced compared to the rest of the world. They showed us how to make roads, toilet seats, how to do irrigation, and more. When you see the Colosseum you won’t believe it was built so long ago.

There’s a deep underlying unpredictability to life that is thrilling. In China, my wife would say you go out to buy toilet paper, and you come back, and something interesting or revealing or funny happened on the way.

Working 90 hours a week is easily racked up when you’re self-employed and rely on portable tech to do your work; your train journeys, toilet breaks, leisurely walks, bedtime, can all become ‘working hours’. Reclaim them.

I really can’t be bothered going to a barber. And shaving every morning, that’s nightmarish. I spent my teenage years covered in tiny little bits of toilet paper.

I enjoy ‘Murphy Brown,’ but I am shocked that people really like ‘Married… With Children.’ These shows are toilet humor, and none of them have good characters.

When I was 12, my mum put us in a summer camp meant for children from low-income families. It was in upstate New York where we had to live in tents, fetch water, cook our meals, and even dig our own toilet bowls.

I have a very silly sense of humor. I’ve never laughed harder in my entire life than seeing someone with toilet paper stuck on the bottom of their shoe.

I’m looking into making toilet paper. It’s not an option unless you a bum and gotta use newspaper. It’s not an option. Like, it’s an option if you wanna drive a car. It’s an option if you wanna use a straw. It’s an option if you wanna wear a pair of Nikes or Reeboks.

I never saw the light of day at Bouley. I remember I would bring home a roll of toilet paper a week because we got paid so little, if at all.

I walk into rooms and I don’t know why I’m there. I’m like, ‘Why am I standing in front of the toilet now?’

I’m shy. I can go on a trip for days and not go because I won’t sit on a toilet seat on a plane. I’m certainly not going to go on somebody’s lawn. Could you imagine, in a cocktail dress?

The first thing I did when I decided that I was going to dive into the world of poop was look at who was doing stuff in that world. The first I came across was the World Toilet Organization. So one of the first things I did was to go to their annual show in Moscow.

I’d like to say I’m a very silly man. But I’m not that silly. I’m not throwing any diamond ring down a toilet.

The fact that I live in New York, a city that thrives on accessibility, might explain why I was slow to grasp the appeal of Alexa. Here we have bodegas on every corner, most open 24 hours, in case you need to pick up a roll of toilet paper or a bottle of hot sauce in the middle of the night.

When I started as a color man in the booth with CBS, I would make footballs out of a roll of toilet paper.

Sometimes, when the neighborhood is silent and the sky is aswarm with the stars and the mind is swirling like a flushed toilet, a person gets to doubting himself. In the hardest times, the stand-at-the-kitchen-sink-and-stare-into-the blackness times, I put on Bob Dylan’s ‘Tomorrow Is a Long Time.’

I, made in England, felt excluded, miffed, resistant to the idea of even visiting India, a position of increasing absurdity as, one by one, backpacking friends returned from the place with the standard anecdotal combo of nirvanic epiphany and toilet horror.