Top 22 Stephen Merchant Quotes

I’m always jealous of Johnny Depp’s sense of style, but if I tried to get away with a floppy hat and waistcoat, I’d look like a homeless person.

Remember that film ‘Sliding Doors,’ when John Hannah woos Gwyneth Paltrow by reciting Monty Python sketches? I can tell you now that doesn’t work, so that film’s wrong.

Maybe there’s a sort of veneer of optimism about U.S. comedy, whereas perhaps in England, we don’t mind ending it on a sourer note.

People don’t mind insulting the tall. We’re supposed to be fine with being awkward and skinny. I’m very easy to psychoanalyse. I was a gangly, awkward teenager who could make people laugh and thought that was a way to be socially more comfortable.

I wish I could write ‘Taxi Driver,’ or ‘Blue Velvet,’ something brave, audacious, dramatic and dark. I don’t know if I have the darkness in my own soul to be able to tap into it, unfortunately.

I don’t know if I’m embarrassed because I think it’s a funny show, but I could imagine there being a snootiness about it, but I do find ‘The Big Bang Theory’ very funny. I think that’s a good show. I think it’s fun, I like the actors; I think they’re all doing a great job.

When I was a teenager, I met a comedian who I admired, and he was very rude to me. That’s why when people come up to me I try not to be rude. I don’t want to name who he is, but it really put me off watching his stuff since.

The reason I keep talking about a wife and saying the word ‘wife’ on stage is because it seems a funny word to me. The more you say it, the more it seems to detach from that person and become this sort of abstract thing: that you would set out to find a wife, that it would be an objective like buying a new car.

I know that this sounds grand, but I don’t try to compete with other people. I like to think there’s enough pie for everyone. The kind of people I’m competing with are my heroes – Woody Allen, Billy Wilder – who I know I’m going to fall short of.

I just always remember there being an ability to amuse schoolmates. Not in a kind of ‘dance-around-at-the-front-of-the-room-with-his-trousers-off’ way, but probably with a sardonic quip. I remember getting a school report that said something like, ‘Steve’s good, but he tries to see the funny side in everything.’

I’ve always been a fan of physical comedy. It kind of hits you in a different way; it bypasses the intellect and hits you in the gut.

People think all fame is the same, but being on BBC Two from time to time does not make you Warren Beatty. I honestly can’t impress that upon people enough.

John Cleese was a big hero of mine. He grew up in Weston Super Mare near Bristol where I grew up; he was always very tall and gangly, but he was smart and used his physicality in a very funny way. I used to think, ‘Well he came from Weston and he did it, so there’s a chance for me.’

I don’t have any hidden depths; I’m a very superficial person. It’s a constant frustration to me.

I guess as you get older you sort of see the mechanics, even with the best comedians. There’s admiration for people I admire, but it’s not guttural laughter. It’s a wry ‘Oh, well done, sir.’ But I sort of miss that slightly; I miss the raw joy of comedy I used to get.

I’m too tall. I am 6ft 7in, so I’ve been most people’s height at some point in my life, and 6ft 4in is the best. You’re tall, but you don’t have to bend when you go through a door.

I’ve jokingly said that everything I’m doing now is filling up the hours before I die, but I do feel that slightly. I have no religious beliefs so this is the ride. This is it. So I’m just like anyone, I suppose, trying to fill out the days in the most interesting way possible.

I used to be quite a big video game player at university and post-university in that weird moment in life before you have a proper job and you’ve got a lot of idle time.

Once I began doing stand-up, I didn’t get a kick out of the applause or being the centre of attention – but I did get a kick out of the jigsaw puzzle aspect of it, searching for the right bit, adding another few pieces each night until the bigger picture appears. That’s the appeal: the challenge of it.

A lot of stand-up comedians are actually very insecure, and they come on slightly battling the audience. They want to be the superior person in the room, sneering at the world. That can be very funny. But to me, what’s more interesting is that the world is on my shoulders, and it’s pushing me down.

Generally, I’m terrified of shopping. I like the idea of being well-dressed, but I’ve always struggled to get anything that fits. I envy those that go into old vintage shops.

I suffered when I was in my late twenties and early thirties. I was awkward, I stuck out, I was nerdy.