Words matter. These are the best Emo Philips Quotes, and they’re great for sharing with your friends.
People come up to me… concerned… that I’ll reproduce.
I ran five miles today. Then, finally, I said, ‘Here, lady… take your purse.’
I got some new underwear the other day. Well, new to me.
He taught me never to smile, which helps me when I visit disaster sites.
I’m a great lover, I’ll bet.
Women: You can’t live with them, and you can’t get them to dress up in a skimpy little Nazi costume and beat you with a warm squash or something.
My classmates would copulate with anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself.
Some mornings, it’s just not worth chewing through the leather straps.
The way I understand it, the Russians are sort of a combination of evil and incompetence… sort of like the Post Office with tanks.
I once had a large gay following, but I ducked into an alleyway and lost him.
In our school you were searched for guns and knifes on the way in and if you didn’t have any, they gave you some.
I was in a bar the other night, hopping from barstool to barstool, trying to get lucky, but there wasn’t any gum under any of them.
My jokes are in my head and I have a duplicate copy of my jokes in a lot of British comics’ heads, where they are safe.
Well, my brother says Hello. So, hooray for speech therapy.
Probably the worst time in a person’s life is when they have to kill a family member because they are the devil. But otherwise it’s been a pretty good day.
When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn’t work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.
At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote.
Probably the toughest time in anyone’s life is when you have to murder a loved one because they’re the devil.
I go from stool to stool in singles bars hoping to get lucky, but there’s never any gum under any of them.
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
You know, at parties, people always ask, ‘Where were you when Kennedy was shot?’ Well, I don’t have an alibi!
I was walking down fifth avenue today and I found a wallet, and I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but I thought: well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel? And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson.
You don’t appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life.
You know what I hate? Indian givers… no, I take that back.
Actually, my cd was released in 1985, in return for two German missionaries and a Dutch urologist.
