Words matter. These are the best Mitch Hedberg Quotes, and they’re great for sharing with your friends.
Every time I go and shave, I assume there’s someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, ‘I’m gonna go shave, too.’
I’m against picketing, but I don’t know how to show it.
I want to get a vending machine, with fun sized candy bars, and the glass in front is a magnifying glass. You’ll be mad, but it will be too late.
I’m a heroine addict. I need to have sex with women who have saved someone’s life.
I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, ‘You’re gonna have to move, you’re blocking a fire exit.’ As though if there was a fire, I wasn’t gonna run. If you’re flammible and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.
My sister wanted to be an actress, but she never made it. She does live in a trailer. She got halfway. She’s an actress, she just never gets called to the set.
I wish I could play little league now. I’d be way better than before.
I saw a human pyramid once. It was very unnecessary.
All these jokes have been pre-approved as funny by me.
Dogs are forever in the push up postion.
It’s very dangerous to wave to people you don’t know because what if they don’t have hands? They’ll think you’re cocky.
Do you think I am standing here, making this up as I go? I am sorry to disillusion you. I am not Robin Williams. I am the king of the pen.
I used to be a hot-tar roofer. Yeah, I remember that… day.
I can whistle with my fingers, especially if I have a whistle.
Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults.
People teach their dogs to sit; it’s a trick. I’ve been sitting my whole life, and a dog has never looked at me as though he thought I was tricky.
I like to play blackjack. I’m not addicted to gambling. I’m addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.
I’m gonna fix that last joke by taking out all the words and adding new ones.
If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be messed-up.
Bologna is a deli meat for people with eyes.
I would imagine that if you could understand Morse code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.
I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.
It’s weird… people say they’re not like apes. Now how do you explain football then?
Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus, or just a really cool Opotamus?
Spaghetti… I can’t eat spaghetti, there’s too many of them. No matter how hungry I am, 1,000 of something is too many. I’ll have 1,000 pieces of noodles.
