Top 25 Zach Galifianakis Quotes

When I do stand-up for a long time, I’ll get burned out, then I’ll get an acting gig. For me, the grass is always greener. I’d like to do a mixture of all of it. My goal is just to do small movies that I’ve written. That’s what I’m trying to do now, just write smaller movies.

I am going to be the next Ryan Gosling.

I haven’t been hit since Leon Spinks hit me in ’92.

We talked about politics constantly in my family growing up in North Carolina. There were always debates. Being of Greek background, it’s in our blood to drink coffee and talk politics.

When I was in high school I used to sit by myself in the cafeteria – not necessarily by choice – but I thought it was funny to talk to people that weren’t there.

People get TV deals by doing something in their grandmother’s basement. It is definitely the wave. Everybody is trying to do all that stuff. I mean, the Internet is the only reason that I’ve gotten work is because I’ve somehow created a line and people have seen it. And then I’ve been asked to auditions.

My real last name is Galifianakisburg.

I don’t like cursing in movies. I feel like cursing has become the new hackiness. You try to find substitutions for cursing.

I think if they put a laugh track on ‘Intervention,’ it would be funny.

I would have changed my last name if being famous were my goal.

I like dark comedies. That’s why I like the Wayans Brothers.

My dad doesn’t get any of my jokes. He laughs at them, but he doesn’t understand them. He’s just laughing because people around him are laughing.

I can get away with anything. But when I try to be sincere, people just roll their eyes.

That’s one of the great things about comedy: we can – and should – say the things that other people aren’t supposed to say. If we didn’t do that, if we didn’t push against those limits, we’d just be standing around onstage and yelling.

I talk to younger actor types, and they bring up that word, ‘brand,’ and it’s like, ‘All right, if that’s the way you want to look at yourself.’ Diet Pepsi’s a brand; you’re a human being.

I’m not versed enough in constitutional law to run for office. I’d have to go back to school or something.

I kind of put myself out there as is. I’m a quiet person. I don’t know if that’s surprising. I’m a Pilates junkie.

The congressmen and senators used to go have a drink in D.C. They would disagree all day long, but they would find that time to sit down and learn about each other personally. I think that’s totally wiped out; I don’t think it really exists anymore.

We all know how funny Morrissey is. Actually, you know what? I say that sarcastically. His songs are some of the funniest songs I’ve ever heard in my life. I mean, really. I mean, not that the ‘Girlfriend in a Coma’ is, like, really funny.

American society loves to prop people up and then take them down.

I wish I could sit back and say, ‘Oh, I’m gonna wait for a Merchant-Ivory film to come my way. Or Ivory-Merchant. Whatever it’s called. But you just take what’s given and then, hopefully, down the road you can be more choosy and only do, say, Wayans brothers movies. That’s my goal: to be more Merchant-Ivory-Wayans.

I try to write three jokes every day. I don’t sit down and write them, it’s just things that pop into my head. Then I’ll go watch it fail onstage that night.

A fantasy of mine is to do a podcast that’s Marcel Marceau and I, and you only hear me laughing at him and trying to figure out what he’s doing.

Actually, I used to be a busboy in a strip joint in New York and so I hate strip joints. I’m not that kind of person.

I have a 60-acre farm in North Carolina, and I have a tractor and a farmhouse. As soon as I groom the land, I want to put cabins around and have a place where people can write and hang out. It’ll be either that or an all-black nudist colony.