Words matter. These are the best Conan O’Brien Quotes, and they’re great for sharing with your friends.
Officials at the White House are saying that President Bush hasn’t changed his schedule much since the war started. The main difference, they say, is that he’s started watching the news and taping Sponge Bob.
In West Virginia yesterday, a man was arrested for stealing several blow-up dolls. Reportedly, police didn’t have any trouble catching the man because he was completely out of breath.
I think the best thing I ever did was, years before I got the ‘Late Night’ show, when I first got out to Los Angeles to be a television writer, the first thing I did was I signed up to take improvisational classes… And I studied that for years, and I really loved it.
A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: ‘Duh.’
Republicans have called for a National African-American Museum. The plan is being held up by finding a location that isn’t in their neighborhood.
The U.S. army confirmed that it gave a lucrative fire fighting contract in Iraq to the firm once run by the Vice President Dick Cheney without any competitive bidding. When asked if this could be conceived as Cheney’s friends profiting from the war, the spokesman said ‘Yes.’
Earlier today, Arnold Schwarzenegger criticized the California school system, calling it disastrous. Arnold says California’s schools are so bad that its graduates are willing to vote for me.
One’s dream is constantly evolving, rising and falling, changing course. This happens in every job, but because I have worked in comedy for twenty-five years, I can probably speak best about my own profession.
President Clinton signed a $10 million deal to write a book by 2003. Isn’t that amazing? Yes, and get this, not only that, President Bush signed a $10 million deal to read a book by 2003.
Keep cool my babies.
There are few things more liberating in this life than having your worst fear realized.
If you watch a lot of television, the pacing, the quick cutting is so frenetic, but it doesn’t always make it funnier. What I’m noticing is that when things are allowed to unspool more slowly, younger crowds really like it. They really appreciate it.
In Cleveland there is legislation moving forward to ban people from wearing pants that fit too low. However, there is lots of opposition from the plumber’ union.
Apparently Arnold was inspired by President Bush, who proved you can be a successful politician in this country even if English is your second language.
Michael Jackson was inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. It caused quite a controversy, because his nose isn’t eligible for another fifteen years.
Early on, they were timing my contract with an egg timer.
Tom Cruise’s attorney said he is going to sue anyone who claims he is gay. In a related story, Ricky Martin’s attorney has been hospitalized for exhaustion.
Your path at 22 will not necessarily be your path at 32 or 42.
President Bush left for Canada today to attend a trade summit. Reportedly, the trade summit got off to an awkward start when the president pulled out his baseball cards.
Nobody in life gets exactly what they thought they were going to get. But if you work really hard and you’re kind, amazing things will happen.
Apparently the new high-tech Star Wars toys will be in stores any day now. The toys can talk and are interactive, so they can be easily distinguished from Star Wars fans.
Scientists announced that they have located the gene for alcoholism. Scientists say they found it at a party, talking way too loudly.
I hate cynicism – it’s my least favorite quality and it doesn’t lead anywhere.
If life gives you lemons, make some kind of fruity juice.
CBS news anchor Dan Rather has interviewed Iraqi dictator Saddam Hussein. When asked what it was like to talk to a crazy man, Saddam said, ‘It’s not so bad.’
The nightmare is you spend the rest of your life being funny at parties and then people say, ‘Why didn’t you do that when you were on television?’
I’ll say I’m happy doing my thing. No one says ‘no comment’ anymore.
Yesterday, the Pentagon warned U.S. reporters that they should get out of Baghdad as soon as possible because the U.S. could attack at any time. Then the Pentagon added, ‘Whatever you do, don’t tell Geraldo.’
The beauty is that through disappointment you can gain clarity, and with clarity comes conviction and true originality.
Every comedian dreams of hosting ‘The Tonight Show’ and, for seven months, I got to. I did it my way, with people I love, and I do not regret a second.
