Top 35 Michelle Wolf Quotes

I’ve been lucky enough to do a lot of very interesting things, and every time, I’ve been like, ‘I want to put everything into this because I want to see how far I can go with it.’

I did so many open mics. I would write jokes on Twitter constantly, and then slowly, over time, open mics turned into shows. If you can get a joke to work at an open mic, it’s a good joke.

There’s a lot of nuances to stand-up that you definitely see when you watch someone like Chris Rock in that his body position is also part of why the joke works.

It’s one thing to be funny in a tweet. It is another to be funny for an hour.

The thing that’s frustrating about improv is that even if you have the best show in the world, it’s over when it’s over. You get to build stand-up – I really like that aspect of it. I like writing jokes, and you don’t get to do that in improv.

I’m a standard overachiever.

Republicans are easy to make fun of.

I would love to be a dad. There are plenty of comedians who have kids. But they’re dads. Being a dad is so different from being a mom.

The more confident I am, the more daring I am.

I’m so lucky that I found comedy and that I get to do it for a living.

I think I’m a good joke writer. I’m also very scared that the last joke I wrote is the last joke I’ll ever write.

Comedy, in my opinion, is best when it’s in the gray, and you’re kind of pushing people’s thoughts that they sort of had but never vocalized. And I think a joke is not good if someone says something, and immediately people are clapping because they’re like, ‘Yes! That is how I feel as well!’

I am a feminist.

I always almost miss my flight. My routine is to constantly, no matter how bad or good the traffic is, to almost miss my flight.

I was a kinesiology major in college, which is exercise science. Then, I was either going to get my Ph.D. or go to medical school, but I was kind of burned out after school.

Honestly, I never really thought I’d be a comedian. But I did take an aptitude test in seventh grade – and this is 100 percent true – I took an aptitude test in seventh grade, and it said in my best profession was a clown or a mime.

I always loved comedy, but in my mind, it wasn’t a viable career option. I always thought, ‘You go to college. You get a job, and then you pay off college.’

A lot of people want Trump to be impeached. I do not. Because just when you think Trump is awful, you remember Mike Pence. Mike Pence is what happens when Anderson Cooper isn’t gay.

It’s hard to make a joke out of someone that’s a joke.

Mike Pence is the kind of guy that brushes his teeth and then drinks orange juice and thinks, ‘Mmm.’

The most useful information on CNN is when Anthony Bourdain tells me where to eat noodles.

You know how I know I’m white? I can cry myself out of a parking ticket.

I took an improv class, and after my first class, I was like, ‘Oh, I just want to do something like this. This is super fun.’

For eight years, all I cared about was track.

I’m very quiet off stage. I think I’m a pretty boring person. I’m not super talkative; I spend a lot of my time running and zoning out. I spend so much time trying to write jokes and ‘be on,’ so when I’m finally off stage, I just want to sit.

I think Trump is terrible for comedy. A lot of people say he is great. He’s not. You can’t joke a joke.

I got a third-degree ankle sprain practicing long jump. I never fully recovered. That was my first heartbreak. I thought track was going to be something that was going to happen in my life. It never went in the direction I wanted it to, no matter how hard I tried.

Before stand-up, I’m not sure I even had a point of view.

Twitter is a good medium to lean how to write jokes. It pushes you to write a better joke in that, on Twitter, the first joke about something has already happened. You need to think of the second joke and the third joke.

I don’t want to be in a relationship for the same reason I don’t want a kid: I don’t want anything in my life to be more important than me.

We cannot forget about Rachel Maddow. She is the Peter Pan of MSNBC. But instead of never growing up, she never gets to the point.

I’ve watched ‘The Daily Show’ forever. So being a part of it is surreal.

We’re never gonna have a nice lady run for president.

Very early on, I met this one comic who said if you’re not doing stand-up every night, you’re not doing it. And so I just kind of believed that and worked off that.

Taking a night off from comedy to go on a date with someone I’m probably not going to like anyway sounds like the worst trade-off in my mind.