Top 35 Norm MacDonald Quotes

I sort of try to write everything for me. I’m a huge sports fan but have no interest in minutiae. I don’t remember who won Super Bowls five years ago or listen to sports talk radio. I’m trying to make sure the jokes are self-contained so they’re accessible to everyone.

I just hate plugs. It just doesn’t seem entertaining to me. I’ve never plugged anything in my life on a talk show ever. I understand people use that vehicle. It’s just not very entertaining.

I don’t have any ego about it, but I find there’s not a great work ethic in show business. A lot of people are in it to make money, and coming from stand-up, you have to work so hard because almost nothing works, and if you lose the audience for three minutes, you’re dead.

I always told everybody the perfect joke would be where the setup and punch line were identical.

I’m a huge sports fan but have no interest in minutiae. I don’t remember who won Super Bowls five years ago or listen to sports talk radio.

I never do impressions, but I probably should. People like that stuff.

I sort of have open invitations from a lot of people to do TV. But it’s very hard for me to do roles in sitcoms and movies because I’m not a great actor, so if the material isn’t good, I’m in torment while I do it.

When I hear a guy lost a battle to cancer, that really did bother me, that that’s a term. It implies that he failed and that somebody else that defeated cancer is heroic and courageous.

If you’re watching a comedian on television and he’s making a political point, I would say he’s gotten too serious.

I like the order and simplicity of sports. They have an ending. You can argue with your friends about it, but in the end, you still like sports. I almost love the fantasy world of sports more than the real world.

It’s a very odd thing with Hollywood, where you do stand-up, you’re good at it, then they go, ‘How would you like to be a horrible actor?’ Then you say, ‘All right, that sounds good. I’ll do that.’

I’d say Jon Stewart has remained funny the entire time. Jon always makes it funny first. And he’s just, he’s talking about serious things, but in a funny way. Other comedians will talk about serious things in a serious way, and then you don’t know what’s going on.

I don’t know anything about politics. Like, zero. Nothing.

Compared to politics, I think sports is funnier, because it’s inconsequential. And politics can be real important and all that. The more pointless something is, the funnier it is, you know? And the more grave or important things are… You know, some comedians can get this disease where they get serious all the time.

It got very tedious saying the same jokes in the same way with the same attitude.

Compared to politics, I think sports is funnier, because it’s inconsequential. And politics can be real important and all that. The more pointless something is, the funnier it is, you know?

I like to do talk show appearances where I get to just be myself, and I do stand-up where I can completely be myself. That’s what I’ve always loved the most, of anything.

I don’t really like politics that much. And I like the order and simplicity of sports. They have an ending. You can argue with your friends about it, but in the end you still like sports. I almost love the fantasy world of sports more than the real world.

I’m not gay, so I don’t know much about Broadway musicals.

I think clever people think that poor people are stupid.

I like doing a funny show where I don’t have to act and fall in love with a girl.

I love writing – it’s the best. But I really hate collaboration.

With the computer and stuff, the difference between a rich guy and a poor guy, to me, is nothing. Because I don’t like big houses, I don’t drive a car, so you know, I just live in a small apartment and I have my computer, which is really cool.

In theatres, you’re kind of disconnected. Also, it’s way too big for the likes of me. Unless you’re Robin Williams or someone that can fill a stage with movement and energy, it just looks like a small man on a big stage.

Whenever I do theaters, I don’t like ’em. I don’t think they’re right for stand-up.

I don’t like sports where it’s like, you watch a guy on a motorcycle flip or something, then another guy does it, it looks exactly the same, and then at the end one guy gets higher points! It seems so arbitrary; I don’t know who’s ahead ever.

There are these showcase clubs where 14 guys will go on in a row and people are laughing at everything, and I’m like – ‘I can’t laugh that much. That’s so weird to me.’

I don’t know anything about politics. I wouldn’t put too much into my prediction on politics.

I watch political shows for a number of weeks in a row, and all I see are guys arguing with each other over issues I have no idea about. My brother, he loves war-torn places. My dad would always read the paper and tell me I should watch CNN, but I usually wind up watching ‘Breaking Bad.’

I would love to stay at SNL forever. But you can’t stay in the same place. People think you’re a loser.

My dad had this thing – everyone in Canada wants to play hockey; that’s all they want to do. So when I was a kid, whenever we skated my dad would not let us on the ice without hockey sticks, because of this insane fear we would become figure skaters!

You can’t love your team without hating another team.

When I was a kid, everybody that played golf was an old man. Until Tiger showed up, they weren’t in very good shape.

You’re trying your best to make people laugh; then if you fail, they hate you. But your intent’s the same. It’s not like you’re trying to do evil to them.

Letterman is very intimidating because he’s so funny, so you have to be really prepared. Also, he’s a little squeamish about certain things, so you have to always be on guard to please him.