Top 40 Gilbert Gottfried Quotes

You never know what people will choose to be offended by.

If the police ever try to pick me up, Michael Jackson told me I can hide out at his house.

I’m known for my slightly inappropriate remarks.

There are times when I’ve had ideas walking down the street that I thought were great, and the minute I got onstage, I would think of them and go, ‘Wow, that would never work,’ even before I did it in front of the audience.

I wanted to be a brain surgeon, but I had a bad habit of dropping things.

Reality TV has totally destroyed soap operas. They’re gone. They used to be the biggest thing in the world – they’re gone.

I’d like to have a kid, but I’d probably get a Frank Sinatra Jr. instead of a Gilbert Gottfried Jr. I’d totally screw up like that.

Some comedians tell nice jokes that you can tell to your kids. Some use bad words – they work ‘blue.’ If you don’t want to hear a joke that’s blue, you shouldn’t go to a comedy club where a comedian who makes blue jokes is performing.

My Bubbie lived to 104, which is probably a little too old to consider a ripe old age, because she had already started to turn. I still say she died young.

I guess if they ever do a remake of ‘Sophie’s Choice,’ I could play the Meryl Streep part. I’ve got to work on my Polish accent. Maybe I’ll be the definitive King Lear one day. You know, if they ever feel that King Lear should be more Jewy.

I’d make Jack Benny look like a philanthropist.

I predict one of these two teams will win the Super Bowl.

People have many theories about comedy, but being just plain funny is the one most important thing.

I always try to avoid anything that has to do with my life.

I remember being at the premiere of ‘Beverly Hills Cop II’ and the tremendous reaction from the crowd outside, then going to a party at a hotel afterwards where the speakers were blasting ‘Shakedown,’ a song from the movie. That felt like a show biz moment to me.

I’ve never been one of those who wanted to fill my calendar up 90 percent of the time.

No, generally I think influence is used as a nice word for plagiarism.

I just don’t accept midgets as human beings. There’s only so much political correctness I can accept.

I found out about Jonathan Winters’ death a day after it happened. That seems wrong. A talent like his should be more revered. The world knew about Kim Kardashian’s divorce before she did.

I always wish the hotels were like they are in movies and TV shows, where if you’re in Paris, right outside your window is the Eiffel Tower. In Egypt, the pyramids are right there. In the movies, every hotel has a monument right outside your window. My hotel rooms overlook the garbage dumpster in the back alley.

I would show up at a party for Al Qaeda if you said there’s going to be a dinner.

Comedy historians take note: this Gottfried character doesn’t have the best eye for detail – and, for a Jew, he doesn’t have the best eye for retail, either.

I’m a very anti-vacation person. Because I’m always getting on planes for work, to me, a vacation is when I don’t have to get on a plane.

With the Internet, if you erase something it just means you have to spend another half-minute to find it.

I find Washington audiences are basically the same as every other audience; they watch me and go, ‘Who’s idea was it to go see him? And is it too late to ask for my money back?’

If you’re a lead actor, people are just waiting to say ‘you’re too old’ or ‘you’re too unhip.’ If you’re a supporting actor, you can just work forever.

I’ve never understood people who say they’re not a practicing Jew. You never hear a black guy say he’s not a practicing African-American. What does it even mean?

Every time I give a straight answer and read it in a magazine, I say, ‘Ouch.’ One day I’d like to talk to a psychoanalyst about why celebrities reveal so much of themselves in interviews.

Back when Jerry Seinfeld was just another comedian hanging around the clubs, I’d imitate him to amuse myself and the other comics. The club owners would say, ‘What are you doing that for? Nobody knows him.’

The joy of the roasts is to watch people get hurt and offended, and then have to laugh to pretend they’re a good sport.

One thing I can take credit for, along with the rest of show business, is when the red ribbons were out, we cured AIDS. Any advancements that came towards fighting AIDS were not done by scientists or doctors – it was people with little ribbons on their lapels.

I always feel that most political jokes, if you’re going to do them, you have to do them within the next five minutes, or else they’re outdated. By the time you’ve got it to the point that it’s strong, it would be 12 years old.

With me, traveling for work is arriving at the airport, checking into the hotel, leaving the hotel the next morning at 4 or 5 to do something like ‘The Jimmy and Jackie Captain Crazy Morning Zoo,’ doing a bunch of those in a row, then going back to the hotel, and then finally going to the club.

There definitely is exposure in reality shows, but the exposure will basically get you more reality shows.

I understand being less sexy than Osama bin Laden, but not less sexy than Carrot Top. That, I find offensive.

I used to go to the Improvisation Comedy Club every night in Times Square. How I didn’t get killed in that area either means that 1) God is watching over me or 2) I am so insignificant to God that he didn’t bother having me killed.

A landlord is showing a couple around an apartment. The husband looks up and says, ‘Wait a minute. This apartment doesn’t have a ceiling.’ The landlord answers, ‘That’s OK. The people upstairs don’t walk around that much.’

I think a lot of people have too much time on their hands.

Off-camera, I sound like Perry Como.

Any misfortune that happens to another person is funny. If it happens to someone else and not me, it’s very funny.