Top 44 David Sedaris Quotes

I go to the movies at least five times a week, and after a while everything becomes a blur to me.

I love things made out of animals. It’s just so funny to think of someone saying, ‘I need a letter opener. I guess I’ll have to kill a deer.

I don’t think my life is more interesting than anybody else’s.

I cry all the time when I watch ‘Glee’ because I don’t know if it’s satire or melodrama and that makes me feel like the writing is aware of itself, and that makes it OK to cry.

I’ve always been very upfront about the way I write, and I’ve always used the tools humorists use, such as exaggeration.

People ask me, ‘Have you ever considered doing stand-up?’ To me it would be less offensive if someone asked me, ‘Have you ever considered dental implants?’

It’s odd the things that people remember. Parents will arrange a birthday party, certain it will stick in your mind forever. You’ll have a nice time, then two years later you’ll be like, ‘There was a pony there? Really? And a clown with one leg?’

My sister Tiffany told me years ago, ‘You can never write about me.’ Then she called six months ago and said she wanted to be in a story. She was worried people thought I didn’t like her.

After a few months in my parents’ basement, I took an apartment near the state university, where I discovered both crystal methamphetamine and conceptual art. Either one of these things are dangerous, but in combination they have the potential to destroy entire civilizations.

I don’t have email.

Sometimes with ‘The New Yorker,’ they have grammar rules that just don’t feel right in my mouth.

I think it’s important to take chances.

Actually I liked that ‘Let the Right One In,’ that Swedish vampire movie.

I started writing when I was twenty, and my first book came out seventeen years later.

They were nothing like the French people I had imagined. If anything, they were too kind, too generous and too knowledgable in the fields of plumbing and electricity.

I like books on tape, and will listen to just about anything.

I haven’t got the slightest idea how to change people, but still I keep a long list of prospective candidates just in case I should ever figure it out.

I always think it’s a good policy to like the people who like you.

If I’m riding my bike I just replay the same scenarios over and over in my head, like I haven’t had a new mental adventure since high school. So that’s what I like about books on tape, so my mind can’t wander anywhere.

I started writing one afternoon when I was twenty, and ever since then I have written every day. At first I had to force myself. Then it became part of my identity, and I did it without thinking.

I meet people at book signings. My record now, for signing, is ten and a half hours in one sitting.

I guess my guilty pleasure would be listening to the British audio versions of the ‘Harry Potter’ books.

Lovers of audio books learn to live with compromise.

There are lots of things that happen to me that I don’t write about.

I’ve never gone on Facebook and am not sure I understand it. The same goes for Twitter. I have someone sending tweets and pretending to be me, but I don’t know why.

I’ve been keeping diaries for 27 years.

What other people call dark and despairing, I call funny.

When you read comic material and people aren’t laughing how do you know they’re listening.

I tend to show everything I do to my family, to check they won’t be offended.

I just enjoy lying on the couch and reading a magazine.

I love getting attention, just like a child loves it, and it’s never worn off. So when people say, oh the book signings go on, why would I shoo away someone who’s giving me attention? What part of standing in line for 10 hours to say how much they love you is bad to you?

But I don’t distinguish between being laughed with, and laughed at. I’ll take either.

My family isn’t really all that different from anyone else’s. Well, maybe they’re a bit more entertaining.

I like listening to books as well, as that way you can iron at the same time.

I like to reserve the right to write about whatever I like.

Also, I used to think that one day I might get someone to iron my shirts, but the truth is I really like doing them myself.

But I’m a humorist. I’m not a reporter, I never pretended to be a reporter.

The humor section is the last place an author wants to be. They put your stuff next to collections of Cathy cartoons.

I just think that the people who say: ‘That’s not true’ when someone tells a story at dinner are the people who didn’t get any laughs when they told their story.

No one writes dialect better than Flannery O’Connor. No one should even try.

To say that a humorist exaggerates to get big laughs, I don’t see how that’s big news.

I always knew I wanted it to be illustrated.

I sometimes read books on my iPad.

But most good movies have a gun in them.