Words matter. These are the best Erma Bombeck Quotes, and they’re great for sharing with your friends.
I never leaf through a copy of National Geographic without realizing how lucky we are to live in a society where it is traditional to wear clothes.
A friend doesn’t go on a diet because you are fat.
Who in their infinite wisdom decreed that Little League uniforms be white? Certainly not a mother.
Most women put off entertaining until the kids are grown.
Don’t confuse fame with success. Madonna is one; Helen Keller is the other.
Youngsters of the age of two and three are endowed with extraordinary strength. They can lift a dog twice their own weight and dump him into the bathtub.
In general my children refuse to eat anything that hasn’t danced in television.
There’s nothing sadder in this world than to awake Christmas morning and not be a child.
No one ever died from sleeping in an unmade bed. I have known mothers who remake the bed after their children do it because there is wrinkle in the spread or the blanket is on crooked. This is sick.
Housework, if you do it right, will kill you.
Onion rings in the car cushions do not improve with time.
It takes a lot of courage to show your dreams to someone else.
When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left, and could say, ‘I used everything you gave me’.
For years my wedding ring has done its job. It has led me not into temptation. It has reminded my husband numerous times at parties that it’s time to go home. It has been a source of relief to a dinner companion. It has been a status symbol in the maternity ward.
There is nothing more miserable in the world than to arrive in paradise and look like your passport photo.
People shop for a bathing suit with more care than they do a husband or wife. The rules are the same. Look for something you’ll feel comfortable wearing. Allow for room to grow.
How come anything you buy will go on sale next week?
There’s something wrong with a mother who washes out a measuring cup with soap and water after she’s only measured water in it.
I have a hat. It is graceful and feminine and give me a certain dignity, as if I were attending a state funeral or something. Someday I may get up enough courage to wear it, instead of carrying it.
Thanks to my mother, not a single cardboard box has found its way back into society. We receive gifts in boxes from stores that went out of business twenty years ago.
Thanksgiving dinners take eighteen hours to prepare. They are consumed in twelve minutes. Half-times take twelve minutes. This is not coincidence.
I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.
Never order food in excess of your body weight.
Never have more children than you have car windows.
Car designers are just going to have to come up with an automobile that outlasts the payments.
If you can’t make it better, you can laugh at it.
Some say our national pastime is baseball. Not me. It’s gossip.
I have a theory about the human mind. A brain is a lot like a computer. It will only take so many facts, and then it will go on overload and blow up.
Do you know what you call those who use towels and never wash them, eat meals and never do the dishes, sit in rooms they never clean, and are entertained till they drop? If you have just answered, ‘A house guest,’ you’re wrong because I have just described my kids.
Never accept a drink from a urologist.
What’s with you men? Would hair stop growing on your chest if you asked directions somewhere?
On vacations: We hit the sunny beaches where we occupy ourselves keeping the sun off our skin, the saltwater off our bodies, and the sand out of our belongings.
Before you try to keep up with the Joneses, be sure they’re not trying to keep up with you.
There is a thin line that separates laughter and pain, comedy and tragedy, humor and hurt.
When your mother asks, ‘Do you want a piece of advice?’ it is a mere formality. It doesn’t matter if you answer yes or no. You’re going to get it anyway.
It goes without saying that you should never have more children than you have car windows.
My kids always perceived the bathroom as a place where you wait it out until all the groceries are unloaded from the car.
Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth.
It is not until you become a mother that your judgment slowly turns to compassion and understanding.
Never go to your high school reunion pregnant or they will think that is all you have done since you graduated.
My second favorite household chore is ironing. My first being hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint.
Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.
If a man watches three football games in a row, he should be declared legally dead.
When a child is locked in the bathroom with water running and he says he’s doing nothing but the dog is barking, call 911.
