Top 45 Bob Mortimer Quotes

I was a solicitor once, so I’m truly grateful because I know what it’s like to have a proper job.

We’re not scientific comedians, thinking like, ‘Things have moved on, we need to do this, we need to reflect the world in this way.’

If you want the best audience, make your way up North to be honest.

We’ve ignored audiences all these years. We’ve just amused ourselves and hoped enough people would want to eavesdrop to make it all viable.

I hate every moment of live performance.

I hate dinner parties, you know, can’t stand them. Friends don’t bother inviting me any more, because they know I won’t come. I could never think of anything to say between courses – it’s a confidence thing, I suppose.

I sometimes wonder, with the Oxbridge comics, the broadcasters seem to say, at some point, now I trust you to do a documentary, you can be the voice for a maths show, or whatever. I don’t think we’re ever considered in that way.

I have always been a bit of a recluse, but I really was after the heart thing. And everyone knew.

When we first did ‘Big Night Out,’ there was no chance of someone doing a little show in a pub then being on telly. There was a little Oxbridge route in and an old-fashioned variety route.

I’m not that interested in other people, and I don’t have any friends, so I’m not really the ideal candidate for Twitter.

When I was about 13, I went to see this band called Free, who I’d never heard, and I just fell in love with them. I found my heroes. I stood at the front with my chin on the stage.

Families At War’ is a show we are very proud of. It was a great show.

A lot of comedians want people to listen to them. I don’t think we’ve ever been that bothered about whether people would want to listen to us.

I used to like getting cups and putting tiny bits of food and liquids in them. I’d grow mould plumes in the dark wardrobe of my little back bedroom. Not to eat them, mind – just to admire the growing power.

Other people just look so comfortable with a book in their hands – I never feel like that.

I wouldn’t wish it on people but there is a positive side to a near-death experience. People used to ask me do you fancy doing this or that – and it was like I had a file of reasons in my head for not doing things. I would riffle through it until I found one. But I’ve dropped that.

We can write idiots quite well.

Darts is bad.

We live very ordinary lives.

That’s the thing, you see, we were never good enough to write proper punchlines.

The more cynical commentators on our careers would say that the northern accent has been the basis of our success. There’s a certain authenticity to the voice – which isn’t to my credit; I was just born there.

I am allowed one matchbox-sized piece of cheese a week.

It can be very lonely knowing that you have things to say but you daren’t say them. Knowing that you could contribute to something but you don’t dare quite do it.

I thought I had a chest infection and went to the doctor – five days later I was under the knife. It came completely out of the blue. My arteries were 95% blocked.

My doctor told me that I would have had a heart attack on stage.

I go on ‘Sunday Brunch’ and Simon Rimmer’s mashed potato is like heaven.

Laughter is the only currency I’ve really ever known. Ever since I was a boy.

You can have a mate for 30 years, it’s easy.

There are quite detailed rules with sitcom. When people can leave scenes, act structure, joke rhythm. You can’t not have a straight man.

I don’t think ‘Shooting Stars’ has ever successfully been replaced.

I didn’t think I had time for fishing before I fished.

I look at stuff like the ‘The Whole 19 Yards’ and it reminds me of my childhood watching shows with Mike Reid and kids climbing over obstacles.

After I had my heart operation I got really into heart stuff. I did think it would be lovely to go on ‘Strictly’ just so people could see I wasn’t finished. But, sadly, now I couldn’t because of my joints. I’d be hobbling around.

Rheumatoid arthritis generally happens when your immune system attacks your joints, but I’ve had it attack my iris.

My shyness probably defined the first 30 years of my life, really. It’s a crippling thing. It can be very lonely knowing that you’ve got things to say, but you daren’t say them.

I’ve started to get iritis, which affects the eyes. But I’m not going to give in.

I saw Alan Davies on a show from the London Palladium and he did a nice routine about having kids or whatever. I couldn’t do that.

After your heart fails, you just feel really vulnerable for a while. You just want telly and your little house. Then, suddenly, three, four months have passed.

House of Fools,’ that was the first thing I was sad that we couldn’t do any more.

When you’ve had a heart thing, a lot of the problems are psychological.

It’s like cooks don’t watch cooking programmes – I suppose maybe comedians don’t watch comedy shows.

I played for Middlesbrough’s youth team. At the age of 16, I went into a shed at the training ground and was told that they weren’t signing me on, so that was the end of that dream. Football was my life. I played football when I got to school, football every break and football as soon as I got home.

We’ve always been a slightly specialist interest, and as you get older, for specialist interest programmes I think broadcasters are probably looking for younger talent, really.

After heart surgery you can go two ways, you can kind of get scared, shrink on to your sofa and keep yourself safe, or you can engage with life again. I probably was in danger of taking the first option.

After my triple bypass I got my sheet of healthy and unhealthy foods and I was like, croissants!?! Literally as bad as lard.