Top 45 Rita Rudner Quotes

Being a dancer and a singer gave me some advantage with regards to having a stage presence. I always take my timing from the audience because they are half of my act.

I was going to have cosmetic surgery until I noticed that the doctor’s office was full of portraits by Picasso.

Neurotics build castles in the air, psychotics live in them. My mother cleans them.

Marriages don’t last. When I meet a guy, the first question I ask myself is: is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with?

If you are who you are on stage, people pay attention.

My boyfriend and I broke up. He wanted to get married and I didn’t want him to.

I did six Broadway shows, and I noticed there weren’t many female comedians. When I went to a dancing audition, there were 1,000 girls. And there were three jobs. So I said I’ll just try comedy. And I loved it.

When I eventually met Mr. Right I had no idea that his first name was Always.

I started taking ballet lessons when I was 4, and I was performing in ballet companies when I was 10, and I did summer stock in Miami Beach when I was 12, and finally I said, ‘I gotta go to Broadway.’

I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry.

I don’t like when there’s too much conversation because I’m shy and it makes me uncomfortable.

I had the worst birthday party ever when I was a child because my parents hired a pony to give rides. And these ponies are never in good health. But this one dropped dead. It just wasn’t much fun after that. One kid would sit on him and the rest of us would drag him around.

I got kicked out of ballet class because I pulled a groin muscle. It wasn’t mine.

You are always trying to please people before you get to the public whenever you do anything that requires a corporate body to sanction it.

I have no organisational skills. All my energy goes into worry – worrying takes a lot of energy.

I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

My mother buried three husbands – and two of them were only napping.

In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.

I found out I had a real love for comedy and comedy writing. The logic was, there weren’t too many female comedians, so I thought I might as well try a field that had fewer competitors than the field I was in, which was acting, singing and dancing.

Every audience has a personality. Some of them don’t have the best personalities, but you’re on a date with them for an hour and a half, so you just make the best of it.

I don’t do Jewish stuff because I don’t want people to be left out. If I mention the Torah in Alabama, it’s not going to go down that well. I used to do some Jewish jokes because when I started, I used to play lots of Jewish country clubs.

I know I want to have children while my parents are still young enough to take care of them.

I love to write jokes and that’s all I think about.

It wasn’t that no one asked me to the prom, it was that no one would tell me where it was.

I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult.

I have to visualise my jokes, live my jokes, feel the audience because every audience is different. It’s like having a different dancing partner every night.

Whenever I date a guy, I think, ‘Is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with?’

I get a lot of return business. I think it’s all those years I put in traveling around the country; people saw me before and had a good time so they want to see me again.

They usually have two tellers in my local bank, except when it’s very busy, when they have one.

I had no desire to be a stand-up comic until I decided to do it.

The logic was, there weren’t too many female comedians, so I thought I might as well try a field that had fewer competitors than the field I was in, which was acting, singing and dancing.

My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We can’t decide whether to ruin our carpet or ruin our lives.

Some people think having large breasts makes a woman stupid. Actually, it’s quite the opposite: a woman having large breasts makes men stupid.

I think the most important thing about learning comedy is to start from who you are. If you begin the process by imitating what you perceive to be a comedy rhythm, you will get laughs sooner, but you will not be unique.

I’m a very simple person. I’m very shallow. Shallow, simple, easily pleased: that’s me.

My husband gave me a necklace. It’s fake. I requested fake. Maybe I’m paranoid, but in this day and age, I don’t want something around my neck that’s worth more than my head.

Men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage – they’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry.

I wanted to say things that were natural coming from me.

I was a vegetarian until I started leaning toward the sunlight.

I don’t plan to grow old gracefully. I plan to have face-lifts until my ears meet.

I get so happy when I write a joke. It’s a very satisfying, liberating feeling.

Before I met my husband, I’d never fallen in love. I’d stepped in it a few times.

Someday I want to be rich. Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity. That’s how rich I want to be.

My Vegas act is how I make my money.

A man will go to war, fight and die for his country. But he won’t get a bikini wax.