Words matter. These are the best Dave Barry Quotes, and they’re great for sharing with your friends.
Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer.
The four building blocks of the universe are fire, water, gravel and vinyl.
The ultimate camping trip was the Lewis and Clark expedition.
Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight Protestants, today it’s open to anybody who owns hideous clothing.
The Democrats seem to be basically nicer people, but they have demonstrated time and again that they have the management skills of celery.
Never assume that the guy understands that you and he have a relationship.
It always rains on tents. Rainstorms will travel thousands of miles, against prevailing winds for the opportunity to rain on a tent.
To an adolescent, there is nothing in the world more embarrassing than a parent.
Scientists now believe that the primary biological function of breasts is to make males stupid.
Eugene is located in western Oregon, approximately 278 billion miles from anything.
People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
For me, the worst part of playing golf, by far, has always been hitting the ball.
My problem with chess was that all my pieces wanted to end the game as soon as possible.
Bill Gates is a very rich man today… and do you want to know why? The answer is one word: versions.
The information encoded in your DNA determines your unique biological characteristics, such as sex, eye color, age and Social Security number.
It is a well-documented fact that guys will not ask for directions. This is a biological thing. This is why it takes several million sperm cells… to locate a female egg, despite the fact that the egg is, relative to them, the size of Wisconsin.
American consumers have no problem with carcinogens, but they will not purchase any product, including floor wax, that has fat in it.
I have been a gigantic Rolling Stones fan since approximately the Spanish-American War.
And so by the fifteenth century, on October 8, the Europeans were looking for a new place to try to get to, and they came up with a new concept: the West.
Eating rice cakes is like chewing on a foam coffee cup, only less filling.
Skiing combines outdoor fun with knocking down trees with your face.
As a child, I was more afraid of tetanus shots than, for example, Dracula.
Hobbies of any kind are boring except to people who have the same hobby. This is also true of religion, although you will not find me saying so in print.
The world is full of strange phenomena that cannot be explained by the laws of logic or science. Dennis Rodman is only one example.
We believe that electricity exists, because the electric company keeps sending us bills for it, but we cannot figure out how it travels inside wires.
Thus the metric system did not really catch on in the States, unless you count the increasing popularity of the nine-millimeter bullet.
I believe that we parents must encourage our children to become educated, so they can get into a good college that we cannot afford.
We’ll try to cooperate fully with the IRS, because, as citizens, we feel a strong patriotic duty not to go to jail.
Camping is nature’s way of promoting the motel business.
It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another person’s plate.
Big business never pays a nickel in taxes, according to Ralph Nader, who represents a big consumer organization that never pays a nickel in taxes.
The Sixties are now considered a historical period, just like the Roman Empire.
We operate under a jury system in this country, and as much as we complain about it, we have to admit that we know of no better system, except possibly flipping a coin.
Your modern teenager is not about to listen to advice from an old person, defined as a person who remembers when there was no Velcro.
I want a pit crew… I hate the procedure I currently have to go through when I have car problems.
Have you noticed that whatever sport you’re trying to learn, some earnest person is always telling you to keep your knees bent?
Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion or ethnic background, is that we all believe we are above-average drivers.
What may seem depressing or even tragic to one person may seem like an absolute scream to another person, especially if he has had between four and seven beers.
If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be ‘meetings.’
The leading cause of death among fashion models is falling through street grates.
Nobody cares if you can’t dance well. Just get up and dance.
Sharks are as tough as those football fans who take their shirts off during games in Chicago in January, only more intelligent.
Magnetism, as you recall from physics class, is a powerful force that causes certain items to be attracted to refrigerators.
If you have a big enough dictionary, just about everything is a word.
There is a breed of fashion models who weigh no more than an abridged dictionary.
The problem with winter sports is that – follow me closely here – they generally take place in winter.
The problem with writing about religion is that you run the risk of offending sincerely religious people, and then they come after you with machetes.
Newspaper readership is declining like crazy. In fact, there’s a good chance that nobody is reading my column.
‘Escargot’ is French for ‘fat crawling bag of phlegm’.