Top 50 Dave Barry Quotes

Words matter. These are the best Dave Barry Quotes, and they’re great for sharing with your friends.

Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hy

Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer.
Dave Barry
The four building blocks of the universe are fire, water, gravel and vinyl.
Dave Barry
The ultimate camping trip was the Lewis and Clark expedition.
Dave Barry
Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight Protestants, today it’s open to anybody who owns hideous clothing.
Dave Barry
The Democrats seem to be basically nicer people, but they have demonstrated time and again that they have the management skills of celery.
Dave Barry
Never assume that the guy understands that you and he have a relationship.
Dave Barry
It always rains on tents. Rainstorms will travel thousands of miles, against prevailing winds for the opportunity to rain on a tent.
Dave Barry
To an adolescent, there is nothing in the world more embarrassing than a parent.
Dave Barry
Scientists now believe that the primary biological function of breasts is to make males stupid.
Dave Barry
Eugene is located in western Oregon, approximately 278 billion miles from anything.
Dave Barry
People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
Dave Barry
For me, the worst part of playing golf, by far, has always been hitting the ball.
Dave Barry
My problem with chess was that all my pieces wanted to end the game as soon as possible.
Dave Barry
Bill Gates is a very rich man today… and do you want to know why? The answer is one word: versions.
Dave Barry
The information encoded in your DNA determines your unique biological characteristics, such as sex, eye color, age and Social Security number.
Dave Barry
It is a well-documented fact that guys will not ask for directions. This is a biological thing. This is why it takes several million sperm cells… to locate a female egg, despite the fact that the egg is, relative to them, the size of Wisconsin.
Dave Barry
American consumers have no problem with carcinogens, but they will not purchase any product, including floor wax, that has fat in it.
Dave Barry
I have been a gigantic Rolling Stones fan since approximately the Spanish-American War.
Dave Barry
And so by the fifteenth century, on October 8, the Europeans were looking for a new place to try to get to, and they came up with a new concept: the West.
Dave Barry
Eating rice cakes is like chewing on a foam coffee cup, only less filling.
Dave Barry
Skiing combines outdoor fun with knocking down trees with your face.
Dave Barry
As a child, I was more afraid of tetanus shots than, for example, Dracula.
Dave Barry
Hobbies of any kind are boring except to people who have the same hobby. This is also true of religion, although you will not find me saying so in print.
Dave Barry
The world is full of strange phenomena that cannot be explained by the laws of logic or science. Dennis Rodman is only one example.
Dave Barry
We believe that electricity exists, because the electric company keeps sending us bills for it, but we cannot figure out how it travels inside wires.
Dave Barry
Thus the metric system did not really catch on in the States, unless you count the increasing popularity of the nine-millimeter bullet.
Dave Barry
I believe that we parents must encourage our children to become educated, so they can get into a good college that we cannot afford.
Dave Barry
We’ll try to cooperate fully with the IRS, because, as citizens, we feel a strong patriotic duty not to go to jail.
Dave Barry
Camping is nature’s way of promoting the motel business.
Dave Barry
It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another person’s plate.
Dave Barry
Big business never pays a nickel in taxes, according to Ralph Nader, who represents a big consumer organization that never pays a nickel in taxes.
Dave Barry
The Sixties are now considered a historical period, jus

The Sixties are now considered a historical period, just like the Roman Empire.
Dave Barry
We operate under a jury system in this country, and as much as we complain about it, we have to admit that we know of no better system, except possibly flipping a coin.
Dave Barry
Your modern teenager is not about to listen to advice from an old person, defined as a person who remembers when there was no Velcro.
Dave Barry
I want a pit crew… I hate the procedure I currently have to go through when I have car problems.
Dave Barry
Have you noticed that whatever sport you’re trying to learn, some earnest person is always telling you to keep your knees bent?
Dave Barry
Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
Dave Barry
The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion or ethnic background, is that we all believe we are above-average drivers.
Dave Barry
What may seem depressing or even tragic to one person may seem like an absolute scream to another person, especially if he has had between four and seven beers.
Dave Barry
If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be ‘meetings.’
Dave Barry
The leading cause of death among fashion models is falling through street grates.
Dave Barry
Nobody cares if you can’t dance well. Just get up and dance.
Dave Barry
Sharks are as tough as those football fans who take their shirts off during games in Chicago in January, only more intelligent.
Dave Barry
Magnetism, as you recall from physics class, is a powerful force that causes certain items to be attracted to refrigerators.
Dave Barry
If you have a big enough dictionary, just about everything is a word.
Dave Barry
There is a breed of fashion models who weigh no more than an abridged dictionary.
Dave Barry
The problem with winter sports is that – follow me closely here – they generally take place in winter.
Dave Barry
The problem with writing about religion is that you run the risk of offending sincerely religious people, and then they come after you with machetes.
Dave Barry
Newspaper readership is declining like crazy. In fact, there’s a good chance that nobody is reading my column.
Dave Barry
‘Escargot’ is French for ‘fat crawling bag of phlegm’.
Dave Barry