Top 50 Victoria Coren Mitchell Quotes

Weight gain is good because it makes your dresses tight. This is not necessarily classy or flattering, but it means you don’t have to iron anything.

Socks and sandals together are absolutely fine, as long as your flares are wide enough to cover your feet.

My own, purely personal view is that reading, study, poetry, and scientific experiment might be more rewarding than a job or children, so I would never advise anyone against university if they’re going for the right reasons.

I can’t believe that 100% of the people who stand in art galleries looking at art are thinking, ‘Well, here I am, looking at art.’ They must be having some sort of other, unselfconscious experience.

I remember I had a copy of ‘David Copperfield’ that I lugged around at primary school. I started reading it when I was seven, and I was eight when I finished it. I read an awful lot as a little girl and played games and imagined lots of things.

Women are under-represented in TV comedy for a variety of reasons, the hackneyed ‘fear that women aren’t funny’ being one of them.

I tried doing yoga to see if it would make me a more patient person, but I lost interest after about six minutes.

Video piracy is among the most irritating aspects of modern life for those who work in the film business. Adverts telling you not to commit video piracy are among the most irritating aspects of modern life for those who don’t.

I’ve never danced while driving, nor put on makeup.

When I was at school, I got into trouble quite often.

Casino games such as roulette, blackjack, baccarat, slot machines and so on, are stacked in favour of the house.

I’ve never seen any ‘Star Wars’ movie.

The older you get, the more ‘mindfulness’ becomes about trying to remember why you came upstairs.

When I met my husband, he had never spent more than £10 on a haircut.

I have a complicated relationship with the zoo; maybe everyone does. It’s so wonderful and so sad.

I’ve always hated the idea of carrying grudges and resentments around like a load of mouldy suitcases.

Given the choice, the majority of children wouldn’t go to school at all. The whole thing’s ghastly.

Anyone who’s tuned in to the House of Commons TV coverage knows the benches are often empty. I like that. I’m a big fan of political transparency. It’s good for us to know which debates the MPs consider important enough to show up for, and which not.

In ‘The Pianist,’ Polanski transformed his ghastly knowledge of the camps into an act of artistic self-expression.

Anger at the wealth gap is no longer about dukes in horse-drawn carriages; it’s about vast, tax-dodging corporations. This will not be assuaged by seeing the royal family claiming to live like we do. If anything, that will make us angrier.

I’d like to be more decisive. I can take an hour to choose between two brands of washing powder in the supermarket.

I’m too short-sighted, too squeamish for contact lenses and too vain for glasses.

When I was learning to drive, I thought the big milestones were changing gear, changing lane, and three-point-turns.

My ‘Only Connect’ personality isn’t put on: it’s definitely me.

The best thing about universal free school meals is that they would remove one of the embarrassing signals, easily picked up by children’s supersensitive antennae, of family poverty.

I’ve never understood why the knowledge training and rigorous testing of London cabbies isn’t rolled out all over the U.K.

After a bath, we all love to dry off with a towel. But do we need it to survive? No. It’s a luxury.

I like the fact that the weather forecast is always wrong. In a world of BlackBerry insta-connection, Google research, and Hadron Colliders, it is a daily reminder of the ultimate ignorance of man. It is a signpost towards all the enormous things we cannot understand.

I am a big fan of Bournemouth, having enjoyed many happy hours on its sandy beach and crazy golf course.

Driving a car is no longer about zooming down clear lanes, the joy and freedom of the road flowing through your hair like a fine westerly breeze. It’s about solid traffic, petrol fumes, spy cameras, eco-guilt, and simultaneous social media.

Nature made your eyebrows like that for a reason. I don’t know the reason. Some people say it’s to do with keeping rain out of monkeys’ eyes. Whatever. The point is, if you try to redesign your eyebrows with tweezers and pens, it will look terrible.

I like snow, but I don’t want to live in Siberia.

Half the point of education is to build peer groups and social bonds.

I am terrible at doing nothing. I’m not brilliant at doing one thing at a time, either. Ideally, I would fill out my tax return while watching a film; peel potatoes while reading the post; send emails in the bath.

They say multitasking is a female trait, but it’s not about gender; it’s about personality type.

Many poker players swear by sleeping a certain number of hours before a tournament, going to the gym in the morning, and ‘clearing the mind.’ Juggling two jobs alongside my chosen game, I never have time and am invariably sending work emails from my iPhone between hands.

Makeup is only fun if it’s occasional and capricious – just like it’s a treat to have an empty day ahead, but it wouldn’t be if you were doing 20 years in Parkhurst.

It is weird, the relationship between people and food. It’s always deeper than you think. It always stands for something else.

I don’t really think of myself as stupid – but then, who does?

I grew up near London Zoo, with which I was obsessed. I would lie in bed at night, thinking about the lions and tigers and wolves that were prowling only a few miles away.

I play quite an old-fashioned game of poker. It’s a lot about getting a sense of people at the table rather than the maths of the thing.

If you are actually ordinary, the only way to give royal status meaning is to live an extraordinary life. It can’t be jeans and burgers and granny doing the babysitting.

It is impossible to identify a nice scent from within the chemical cloud of a perfume department.

I play poker, a game where there is no edge but the luck of the deal and the skill of the player.

If you find it difficult to draw a neat line with an eyeliner pencil, start with a big, thick, wonky line and then reduce it with eye makeup remover. This is serious advice. I do this every single time I put makeup on.

The truth is, I feel sorry for the Old Etonians. Everybody should be judged on his or her own merits. Assuming that toffs are ‘out of touch’ is more modern and fashionable than assuming they have a ‘natural fitness for government,’ but it’s no fairer.

I’m really bored by the constant vilifying of people (especially women) for things they didn’t say.

Pudding is not a human right.

My speeding offences (whether caught or not) are always in situations where the speed limit is 30, but I think it’s 40. And I’m never doing 40, always a careful 37.

I have quite a good card sense. My grandmother taught me to play bridge, so I had a reasonable sense of the cards and how they work.