Top 530 Comedian Quotes

Dylan Moran, my favourite comedian, was walking down the street in Edinburgh. I nearly got run over as I sprinted up to him to tell him I was his biggest fan. His stand-up comedy gives me a stitch from laughing.

My daughter has studied in London and when she came back, she wanted to be a stand up comedian.

A stand-up comedian will never be the life of a party. Instead, he will be the guy who is standing at a corner and observing people.

I want to show people that there’s a side of myself other than just the outrageous comedian.

When I first started doing comedy years ago, I used to be the biggest Michael Richards fan. I used to love this dude. He was on a TV show called ‘Fridays,’ and man, he was tall and lanky – and I was tall and lanky. I love physical comedy, and he was a physical comedian, and I said, ‘Man, I love this guy.’

I’m a comedian who happens to be Muslim; my comedy stems on all forms of my identity.

I love hecklers. They remind you that you are a comedian.

I’m glad Reagan is president. Of course, I’m a professional comedian.

I consider myself a bit of a comedian. I write a lot of humorous songs.

I think there’s something so funny about Ram Dass. I was lucky enough to sit across from him at dinner once, and I got up the courage to tell him that he was my favorite comedian. Even though he’s not a comic, he talks about showbiz in a certain way and understands that there’s a presentation to it.

People assume because you’re a comedian that you want to be an actor or that you want to be a writer too. It is a very cool kind of open-ended place to enter because I don’t know if I ever really imagined myself working in a writers room or acting in that capacity.

I’m quietly becoming New York’s premiere actor. People don’t understand. They have me pigeon-holed as a comedian.

The one thing an audience always has in common with a comedian is troubles. The Yiddish word for that is tsuris. You’re always putting your tsuris on stage whether you like it or not. No one is untroubled, unless they’re just, you know, an imbecile.

I love the buzz of doing live. I am a stand-up comedian and so I am not scared of live.

If all you had to be was a comedian to be a good football player. Bob Hope would be great. But you have to perform.

I don’t perceive my role as a newsman at all. I’m a comedian from stem to stern. You can cut me open and count the rings of jokes.

I say I’m the only serious comedian in the presidential race. And I’d like to take this opportunity to ask both Romney and Obama to debate me. Because I think that both of those guys – I think that the American people are being given a false choice, because the choice between the lesser of two evils is a false choice.

My greatest hope was to get discovered as a comedian and get on a sitcom.

I remember talking to comedian Jimmy Pardo about his experience waiting to hear about his own pilot, and we both agreed on one thing: When you can’t control your showbiz fate, you can at least control the amount of ice cream you’re eating. And if you’re like us, it was a lot.

I don’t like it when I see a racist comedian go up and say, ‘What are we gonna do about all these immigrants?’ and they get a round the applause. I think, ‘Well that’s not a joke. That’s just your biased opinion.’

I love pure joke-tellers, but if I go to see a comedian for a full show, I want to feel I know them more than when I came through the door.

I’m not just a pundit – I’m a comedian.

I have definitely learned – and this is definitely a human nature thing – that people are willing to, in an interaction with a comedian, admit things and talk about things with candor that they would never admit to a group of friends or an individual.

You can’t really label me as a musician, a comedian, or a rapper – you know, it’s different.

I just think of myself as a comedian, really.

I mean, sometimes… a comedian becomes an actor, and they just don’t deliver, because the bottom line of comedy is to be funny, and the bottom line of acting is to be truthful, and they get that mixed up sometimes, or don’t even notice that that’s the thing.

I set out to be a comedian, and then the spokesperson thing is kind of just something that came along with it.

From the time I was 18, I knew I wanted to be a comedian, but I was just scared to try it. And first I thought, ‘Well, I should go to college and get a degree.’ That didn’t pan out.

Before the Polaroid commercials, my image was that of a solid actress, a theater actress who could do anything. But the Polaroid commercials were high comedy… Through them I was finally noticed as a comedian.

As a disabled comedian, often my hecklers are also disabled.

Your number one job as a comedian is to be aware. You’re supposed to understand the temperature in the room more than anyone on the planet – that’s the whole craft of comedy.

I’ve never seen myself as a victim because of my physicality. If I did play that game, I wouldn’t be the comedian that I am.

In the end, censoring a comedian’s jokes is on par with censoring ‘Huckleberry Finn.’ Now, I’m not comparing myself to Mark Twain – he had much wavier hair and a slightly thicker mustache. But when you deny an artist the chance to explore his art, you’re forcing your beliefs on him.

We were against the war in Vietnam and for voter registration and social issues. Everybody has their choices, and the obligation of a comedian is first to entertain. And if you’re so inclined, and you have some bigger thought, make sure you express it, because that’s a gift.

I started out as a stand-up comedian. And that’s what I’m most comfortable doing.

I’m not really a comedian, innit; I just naturally say things which people class as funny.

I’m not a stand-up comedian by any means, but I do think it’s tougher for a woman to go to that territory because it does make people go, ‘Aww,’ instead of laughing.

Karaoke isn’t fair when you’re a comedian. The whole idea is to get people laughing and enjoying themselves, and I’m a professional funny guy.

When I think of myself, I’m definitely… I’m not like a comedian.

I’m a physical comedian, and I don’t get to show it off very often.

A lot of being a comedian is about observing people.

Sometimes, as a comedian, a line will come to you, that is so beautiful, so perfect, that you think: I did not create this line. This line belongs to all of us. Surely this is a line of God.

I don’t know that I’d be a comedian if I stayed in Canada.

I’m a comedian, which is the opposite of a lifestyle that equips you to be a parent.

I never really set out to be a comedian, but as a kid, I loved doing sketches and playing characters. And then a great friend kept telling me I should be a comedian, so I followed her advice and gave it a shot.

I was a standup comedian, which is kind of like writing and directing yourself.

I think I’m just a comedian who’s a pretty good con man, and I don’t see that changing any time soon.

If you’re billed as a comedian, people will accept anything you say as light-hearted and not with intent behind it.

I’m a comedian. I want you to laugh. That’s my main goal. I punch things up to get things tighter, quicker and get you to the joke faster.

Here’s the thing about Red Sox fans, or actually just fans from that region, in general: they appreciate the effort. And if you mail it in or if you give 80 percent, even with a win, they’ll let you know that’s not how you do it. They want – if it’s comedian, if it’s a musician, bring us your best show.

During Vietnam, I was in college, enjoying my student deferment. The government wisely felt that, in my case, military service was less important than completing my studies to prepare me for my chosen career: comedian.

I was with a famous comedian when a young fan walked up and asked for an autograph. The comedian blew him off. I’ll never forget the look on the young boy’s face. He was devastated.

I’ve been seesawing between not doing too much racial stuff – because I’d rather be known as the funny comedian than the funny Chinese comedian – but at the same time embracing my voice and who I am and what makes me unique, you know, which is the racial background.

From very early on, I had always wanted to be a stand-up comedian. It was my passion; it was my goal. It was a world I was simply infatuated with. So, as soon as I could, I moved out to L.A. chasing after my dream.

I’m a comedian who happens to be Latino. What’s the difference? The difference is, my special will air on Comedy Central, not Telemundo.

Some of the most fun I’ve ever had has been filming ‘Bert the Conqueror.’ As a stand-up comedian, I love putting this humorous spin on travel, and I get the added bonus of using all these wild adventures in my act.

If you’re a comedian, you can change peoples lives for the better in much smaller increments – not their entire life, but for 15 minutes or a half hour.

I was the Head Boy of East High School in 1999. I represent 303 – the area code, not the band – Mile High, until I die. I’m 31, a comedian; I juggle, but I don’t glove it. I think waxed mustaches run a very thin line between hipster and 1800s barkeep.