Top 55 Lewis Black Quotes

My parents were married for sixty-five years, and I was married for about ten minutes, my first year at Yale Drama School. Something, somehow, didn’t get passed on to my generation.

Everybody’s always asking me about my blood pressure. They did an interview once where they hooked me up to a blood pressure machine and they’d rile me. I’d yell and scream, and then it would just go back to normal in a few minutes. Everything else is probably rotting, but the blood pressure is spectacular.

I’m amazed that anyone is interested in what I have to say.

Socialism appeals to me. It’s like imposed Christianity. You’ve got to share.

Republicans have nothing but bad ideas and Democrats have no ideas.

I continue to work on plays, but I’ve always felt that you could put a note in a bottle and send it offshore, and you’d have as much chance communicating with people.

I started playing golf when I was a kid, because across the street from where we lived there was a little nine-hole golf course where my father worked.

Saying that the Palestinian people aren’t really a people – that’s not a zany thing to say. That’s a psychotic thing to say in the midst of all of the politics we live through on a daily basis.

I’m constantly in fear of having a stroke.

A father and two sons run Adelphia. It’s a cable company. And they took from that company a billion dollars. A billion. Three people – three people took a billion dollars. What were they gonna do, start their own space program? ‘Let’s send the monkey to Mars, Dad!’

It’s absolutely stupid that we live without an ozone layer. We have men, we’ve got rockets, we’ve got saran wrap – fix it!

Stupidity really gets me going, when it’s just plain stupid, obvious stupidity.

You look at my audience, and it proves what Congress thinks America is, is wrong. I get people across the political spectrum. Parents and kids come and they’re all punked out, and there are these other guys in John Deere caps.

I think that I don’t panic as much as the folks on the left or the right do. I don’t have that sense of panic.

As psychotic as it gets outside, the comic can be more psychotic.

I’m not a great joke writer, which is odd for a comic to say, but I’m not.

And I know this happens because I took economics, and I’d explain it to ya, but I flunked that course. Not my fault. They taught it at 8 o’clock in the morning. And there is absolutely nothing you can learn out of one bloodshot eye.

When you’re fund-raising for schools, then something’s wrong. We seem to have lost some sort of sense of what the common good is, and if you don’t have a sense of what the common good is, then at least give to what you think your specific goods are.

I think that many things that go on in an art school have a tendency to undermine confidence, and that shouldn’t be part of the ballgame, ever.

You’ve got to be stupid to heckle me – I am very equipped to win.

The core of the American public, their hearts and their minds are in the right place. And that gives me hope.

Stand-up is the only thing in which you actually write it, act it and direct it simultaneously, so it’s actually a great theater exercise.

If you yell about one woman, you’re not a misogynist. If I yell about Michelle Bachman, that doesn’t make me a misogynist. If I compare all women to Michelle Bachman, then I’m a misogynist.

I do the same gig. I might change it a little; I might slow it down if I’m in the South. I talk fast, and they’re not used to people talking that fast.

Kids seem to get me when I play colleges – they like it because I go after them. They’ll come up after and say I am like their dads, only funny.

Usually I’m too tired to apologize.

Self-love is a big part of golf.

One thing I know about the rich, being rich, is that you can take money from me and tomorrow, I’m still going to be rich.

Harry Reid is not funny; he’s creepy. Nancy Pelosi is creepy. Charles Schumer is sneaky and creepy.

If you’re going to pick a book and you want to base a system of government around it, why not ‘Harry Potter?’

Everybody’s got cable.

One of the most important things, especially when you’re leaving school, is to realize you’re going to be dealing with a lot of idiots. And a lot of those idiots are in charge of things, so if you’re in an interview and you really want to tell the person off, don’t do it.

My parents are the last of the middle class. My father worked for the government designing sea mines. My mother was a substitute teacher. Together, they worked really only until they were sixty.

Basically, I started on stage yelling and I kept yelling, and then I yelled some more, and then I yelled even louder. I’m modulated now.

Do you know what ‘meteorologist’ means in English? It means liar.

When I’m funny is when I’m angriest.

Every time I use an app, part of my brain dies! We’ll get to the point where we go to bed and wonder: ‘Did I have a thought today?’ You’ll have to go to your ‘Thought’ app!

If the people of New Zealand want to be part of our world, I believe they should hop off their islands, and push ’em closer.

It’s a privilege to pay taxes. Yeah! It’s not a political question, folks. We have to pay for stuff.

My problem has always been with authority, and I’m sure if anybody understands that, it’s people in uniform.

I like college football, but I’m a huge college basketball fan. I could sit and watch every game of March Madness and be happy. That could be a vacation.

Democrats should be focused on which way we can help the most people in this country, and Republicans should be focused on how to do that in the most fiscally responsible manner possible.

All the candy corn that was ever made was made in 1911.

The thing that makes my generation The Greatest is our ability to hang out. We’re spectacular at it. If you take somebody from my generation and sit them on a couch and bring them food and plumbing, they’ll sit there and talk to you about anything you want until the day you die.

If we’re not going to tax the rich anymore, we’re going to create class warfare.

The whole Valentine’s thing is fine, but you don’t back it up right next to the biggest gift-giving holiday of the year. Unbelievable. And we find it acceptable.

For a while, I thought the great disappointment of my life was that I don’t have a family of my own. Then it dawned on me: That’s not what I think; that’s what married people think.

I like indoor Christmas trees. And I like people who decorate their homes with lights and all that crap. I think it’s a healthy outlet for them. If they weren’t covering their lawns with twinkling lights, they’d be doing something that was really, really creepy.

I think the only reason you visit an Apple store is because you wonder what life is like on another planet.

You got to be just stupid to not be focused on alternative energy.

I’ve been very lucky. There are guys I know who are really terrific in this business of stand-up who have not gotten the recognition they deserve. And it’s nice, if you’ve put in the time, to achieve that recognition.

People would be a lot better off if they’d enjoy being single.

What I find most disturbing about Valentine’s Day is, look, I get that you have to have a holiday of love, but in the height of flu season, it makes no sense.

The fear of health care changing is beyond belief. Like there’s a way to make the system worse. Really?

I like my friends because they make me feel normal, even though I’m not.