Top 60 Ralphie May Quotes

I’m honest, at the end of the day – I’m obese, but I’m not obtuse.

My jokes aren’t predicated on my weight that much. I talk about it some, but it’s definitely not the focus, so I don’t feel any pressure to stay big.

I mean, comics fear sue – you know, lawsuits and stuff like that, just because they don’t like to do paperwork.

America thinks if you’re fat, you’re stupid. That’s great. I want them to keep thinking that. Let them keep on thinking that because the truth is, the expectations are blown away even more when you realize what I’m saying and doing.

My name is Ralphie. How many Ralphie’s do you know? It’s unique.

I’ve never seen myself as a victim because of my physicality. If I did play that game, I wouldn’t be the comedian that I am.

There’s no getting around it – I am a politically incorrect, racially insensitive, culturally controversial comic, but at least I’m self-aware.

I’m so Southern that I’m related to myself. I’m actually my own cousin.

I’m a fan of old vaudeville theaters.

I’ve been shortchanged and overlooked my whole life. And if you boo-hoo about everything, that’s all you’re going to do your whole life.

I never wanted to be known as a fat comic, just a comic who happens to be fat.

I’m even handed. I just point out the stupidity we all do.

I think there’s a bias against fat people on network television.

I want to raise awareness about evils perpetuated on American citizens by other American citizens.

My children are terrific babies.

I’m not crooked, and I want to help people.

I think it’s funny when stereotypes happen.

Most comics give you what you want. I give you what you need.

Fat people are the only people you can still make fun of in this country.

My audience expects me to push the limits, to be politically incorrect. I do that because for me, that’s the only place where the fun is, when I get to push the boundaries and make people laugh at things that they probably didn’t want to laugh at.

I wouldn’t want my comedy show to hurt anybody. I’m not Donald Trump.

The people I make fun of most are white people. They’re the dumbest ones. They really are.

Most comics can’t produce the amount of material I produce.

I do like two hours of new material every year.

I loved ‘Celebrity Fit Club,’ working out six days a week, running a mile and a half three times a week, and doing 1,000 crunches and sit-ups a day with a trainer. I did too much, but I lost 78 pounds of fat and 18 inches around my waist in four months.

I’m a dirty, filthy animal and I’m a dirty comedian, but I got a lot of charisma and charm.

If people get their feelings hurt from jokes, then they are too delicate to be in society.

We are all fingers on the same hand. We may not look alike, but we are all needed.

I work hard, and I make people laugh. What’s wrong with that?

Some nights you walk off stage and go ‘That was a good crowd.’

In L.A., fat people are mythical. We’re like Big Foot. ‘Oh, yeah, my cousin knows someone who’s fat.’ Nobody’s fat in L.A.

People don’t know where to place me, and I think that’s why my audience is so big.

Atlanta is interesting. You have high education rates but there are plenty of regular folks. People have degrees but chop wood on weekends.

I don’t like being run out of any town.

I don’t need the fame or power.

The day you don’t mess with somebody, that would be exclusive rather than inclusive. I strive to be inclusive.

I’m too Southern.

I see the absurdity in things, and I think it’s my job to point it out.

I keep my nose clean. I let the drama go on with somebody else.

I’m an entertainer first. But I do as a stand up comedian, the way for me to evolve is to make a difference, to make people laugh and learn and do something different. Because there’s too many comedians out there just making people laugh. And anybody can do that.

Comedy is not about appearance; it’s about rockin’ a mike. Are they laughing? That’s the only test.

I’m dirty, I’m irreverent – but I’m still a very topical comedian.

I’ve been enjoying classes at the gym, where people look at me because I’m fat. At the end of the workout, they’re sucking air and I’ve beaten them because I have more heart, because I had it much harder.

I’m topical as hell. That’s not going to change if I lose weight. There are a lot of comics that do ‘fat jokes’ better than I do – Louie Anderson, John Pinette, Gabriel Iglesias. These guys are phenomenal.

I’m blue collar, which means white trash with a job. But it also means people who take pride in what they do.

If we were all sitting around as different races and as different religions, if you were a real friend of these people, you would bust on them all.

I know I wanted to be a comic when I was nine. I was thirteen the first time I did it. I was attending a Methodist Church youth retreat at the University of Southern Alabama. They held a talent show on the last night. I won, and then I made out with a 14-year-old girl from Prattville, Alabama.

When somebody’s different, it’s so easy to dismiss what people say because of what they look like. They really want to judge the book by its cover.

I love what I do. I do what I love. I’m honest about it!

I know a way for no Americans to die in Iraq: Leave.

I’ve always been Ralphie, ever since I was a kid. My grandfather was Ralph. It suits me better to be Ralphie.

I’m a crazy fat guy. And a strange one.

Jay Mohr saved my life. That’s not an overstatement either.

When I do jokes that maybe are seen as social commentary, I research them to the nth degree. I probably do more research than I do actual joke writing. I want to make sure what I’m saying is correct.

I’ve had people hate me for my appearance. I think it gets me a certain level of empathy with the audience. If I was white and handsome and privileged, I probably couldn’t talk about what I talk about because people wouldn’t believe that I have empathy or I could be evenhanded and objective. It’s strange.

I’m too blunt, too matter-of-fact and not PC enough.

I didn’t get into comedy to be loved by everybody.

Michigan… it’s a great state… somewhere.

Political correctness, to me, is an enemy.

I want more stand-up comics in prime time. It’s great for every comedian.