Top 66 Ron White Quotes

I don’t watch Comedy Central. I don’t enjoy it.

I was so in love with the idea of making people laugh for a living that I didn’t care what I had to do to get there. Or how much money I was going to make when I did get there.

I believe everything creative is somewhat collaborative. If you’re a painter and someone stretches your canvas, it was collaborative on some level.

I do live like a rock star, but it’s not as great as it sounds. It’s a lot of traveling.

Diamonds – that’ll shut her up… for a minute!

If you look at the common denominator of all the comics who have had big success, it’s being true to their nature… that’s what takes a long time to learn.

You wanna get the truth out of me, get me hammered.

I had the right to remain silent… but I didn’t have the ability.

Anything I write that I consider stage-quality work, I won’t give my TV show. I put it in my live show.

I just try to keep it fresh without sacrificing funny.

I could do no wrong in my mother’s eyes from the day I was born. My fans bought her a very nice house in San Antonio, and she has a great life.

All of my comedian friends are some of the best joke writers in the world.

There’s not a pill you can take; there’s not a class you can go to. Stupid is forever.

My uncle was a preacher, and I used to go watch him preach. He was also funny, so I’m very ‘preacher-ish’ on stage, not by intent but because that’s where I learned to talk in front of people.

I do a lot of gay-friendly stuff in my show, and men, women, they all love it. I practice non-judgment in my daily life and hope other people do the same thing.

I go through about 140 cities a year.

Comedy is all about the pause.

There’s no such thing as a hit joke.

There have been times in my life that I’ve had a ton of vices, and my demons have run amok for years and years and years.

I write these shows one joke at a time. There’s no continuity. I do try to figure an order to the stories, but there’s not continuity.

There were years when I was a beer and tequila guy, then I got real fat. And then I found that you could actually go on a diet and drink scotch. Then I got hooked on scotch, and if you get hooked on scotch, then everything else just tastes wrong.

Donald Trump – and I don’t dislike Donald one single bit – has no idea how good the Mexican people are at building tunnels.

I don’t like to do burnt material on stage. Even though my crowd loves to hear me do old stuff, I don’t like to do old stuff. So I do very, very little of it.

It never dawned on me that I had the option of becoming a comedian. I come from a little dirt street town in northwest Texas, and they really don’t talk about the arts there much on career day.

I still love to walk on stage and make people laugh, and I work very, very hard at it, and I take it seriously.

I think honest communication, no matter where it comes from, is positive for a relationship.

A killer Cuban restaurant with a giant cigar bar. Have me a Cuban sandwich. That’s just like heaven to me. I’m a simple man.

My brain is like a cross between a colander and a Lazy Susan – thin, slow, and it leaks.

I’ve asked these guys in rock bands with all the 18-wheelers driving to the venue how they make money. I just don’t understand it. But I don’t understand a lot of things.

When I was 20, I used to go around telling stories, and I knew where I was comfortable – onstage, talking, making ’em laugh and listen to the weirdest things. I liked being the center of attention.

My biggest pet peeve, I guess, is other comedians criticizing Larry the Cable Guy.

I’d rather do a really good small part than a really bad big part.

The first thing I ever got my hands on was Andy Griffith’s ‘What It Was, Was Football.’ I was fascinated with the fact that every syllable made it funny, and I would laugh even though I didn’t know what any of it meant.

I get e-mail from all over the world, and from lawyers and doctors and whoever – plumbers and drywall hangers.

The bulk of my fans are my age, and I’m aging at the same rate they are. That makes me relevant. They like hearing what I have to say. I work hard at it, but it’s addicting, really.

I don’t live under the illusion we don’t need a military to protect this country.

My opening acts are always really strong because I need a guy who can take on a big, big crowd. Which is not that easy to do.

People are saying that I’m an alcoholic, and that’s not true, because I only drink when I work, and I’m a workaholic.

I don’t like to do material people have heard. Now, they like to hear material that they know, because that’s the stuff that made me famous, and, unfortunately, I don’t do a ton of it.

I loved listening to laughter even as a little kid.

Think of The Rontourage as the Ron White Channel, where you can see us getting into trouble in all kinds of different places.

I don’t know who in my family thinks very fast at all, including me. The things that people see me do onstage are written, so it doesn’t have to be very quick if you have all day with a pen.

My show is more storytelling now than it’s ever been. It’s what I’m good at.

There’s no backlog of people we can fire for no reason and act as if they don’t exist.

You can teach somebody how to be a brain surgeon, but you cannot teach them how to walk on a stage and make people laugh.

I was always a funny guy. I don’t think anybody that makes it to this level of stand-up wasn’t a funny guy when they were young.

I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade… And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party.

I write all of my material. It’s all me.

Here’s how I operate. When I see something I like, 20 years later, I ask her brother for her phone number. She don’t even see me coming.

I have a very fun life. I don’t recommend it for anybody else, but it sure has been fun for me.

The hardest that I’ve laughed at a movie was probably Team America. I laughed ’til I thought I was just gonna throw up. I almost had to turn it off.

Pace, rhythm and timing. Pace, rhythm and timing is what it’s about. The content’s got to be great, but then it’s got to be delivered. It’s a tricky thing to do, and it takes a lot of work.

I was desperate for new material, so anything I can write a joke about that works is in the act. No matter who it offends, or who it bothers – doesn’t matter if its something my wife hates.

A lot of people can find something to laugh at in my humor, I guess.

There have been times when I played more than others, but I’ve been a road comic for a quarter of a century, so I’ve always played golf on the road because you have a lot of time to kill.

I don’t think we have a surplus of fine educators in this country that we can just start dropping them for no reason whatsoever.

I guarantee there’s people who watch television who have no idea how complicated it is to make a television show.

I was a little one-trick pony. I do what I’ve always done. That’s really where my best stuff comes from. I don’t know how it happens. It just happens.

I begged the universe to make me a famous comedian, and it did. So I tend not to ask for any more.

Anybody could say anything they want about me, and it literally never penetrates my skin.

I really understood a lot more about comedy after listening to Bill Hicks, who died at 32 years old. He’s probably the best comedian who ever lived. Although you can’t say that because of Carlin, Cosby and Pryor.

There are two kinds of comics; there are the ones who build bridges, and then there are the people who walk across the bridges as though they built them. The bridge builders are few and far between.

You can’t fix stupid.

I believe everything creative is somewhat collaborative.

I was by far the least popular of the Blue Collar crew when we started. There was a definite pecking order, and everybody knew it.

Let’s face it: a lot of my material comes from the stuff that happens to me on the road.