It is easy for me to love myself, but for ladies to do it is another question altogether.
I’m going to take this God-given gift of being funny, and I’m going to spread it out like peanut butter on everything I do.
A committee is a group that keeps minutes and loses hours.
I never thought I was funny, but I enjoy being funny.
Macho does not prove mucho.
I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.
If you take a bunch of superstars and put them in a room where they don’t have their assistants and entourage, it’s funny to see what happens.
Originality is the fine art of remembering what you hear but forgetting where you heard it.
It’s simple, if it jiggles, it’s fat.
If a cluttered desk is the sign of a cluttered mind, what is the significance of a clean desk?
I consider that a man’s brain originally is like a little empty attic, and you have to stock it with such furniture as you choose.
What’s funny is I probably still have some calligraphy business cards floating out in the world, and I can’t wait for someone to call me in a month or something, and say, ‘Can you do these for my son’s Bar Mitzvah?’
I was the class podiatrist. I never made it to class clown. I wasn’t funny enough. I would examine feet and prescribe and ointment. It was a sad childhood.
Getting fan mail from Brazil is kind of funny.
A transposable aphorism is a malaise of the urge to be witty, or in other words, a maxim that is untroubled by the fact that the opposite of what it says is equally true so long as it appears to be funny.
I don’t think anyone should write their autobiography until after they’re dead.
It’s funny how life works. You end up sometimes back where you started.
I don’t say things to be offensive; I say things because they’re funny to me. It amuses me.
I was sleeping the other night, alone, thanks to the exterminator.
I basically started performing for my mother, going, ‘Love me!’ What drives you to perform is the need for that primal connection. When I was little, my mother was funny with me, and I started to be charming and funny for her, and I learned that by being entertaining, you make a connection with another person.
If I studied all my life, I couldn’t think up half the number of funny things passed in one session of congress.
The things that make me laugh are considered smart or whatever, I guess. But stuff that’s self-consciously intelligent or self-consciously hip or cool, that doesn’t do it for me either. You just try to be funny.
If I knew for a certainty that a man was coming to my house with the conscious design of doing me good, I should run for my life.
I’m sorry, if you were right, I’d agree with you.
A woman’s mind is cleaner than a man’s: She changes it more often.
I love sprinting, but I hate long-distance running. Isn’t that funny?
O Lord, help me to be pure, but not yet.
I’ve dated some women who have turned me on to some funny things that are strange for men to actually do, but these things have become part of my process. I think the things I do for my appearance help make me look better. I even colour my hair because I like how it makes me look.
The reports of my death have been greatly exaggerated.
‘Come out’ is so funny to me because I’ve never been in.
It’s a real primal thing, watching someone get hurt. It’s funny and accessible.
I don’t believe in angels, no. But I do have a wee parking angel. It’s on my dashboard and you wind it up. The wings flap and it’s supposed to give you a parking space. It’s worked so far.
I was asked to act when I couldn’t act. I was asked to sing ‘Funny Face’ when I couldn’t sing, and dance with Fred Astaire when I couldn’t dance – and do all kinds of things I wasn’t prepared for. Then I tried like mad to cope with it.
I grew up between Detroit and Ghana, and I had to make friends in an instant. It sharpened my wit, and also, just for my own sanity’s sake, I felt like I wanted to entertain myself. So I’m going through all these experiences, and I ask myself, ‘Is this crazy? Is it? Wait, what’s so funny about this?’
If you live to be one hundred, you’ve got it made. Very few people die past that age.
All I care about is making jokes that are funny and making people laugh.
Electricity is really just organized lightning.
My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.
Yield to temptation. It may not pass your way again.
I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house.
The funny thing about the people I don’t like – they’re very self-centered.
It’s funny, there’s all these slogans like ‘you’re never too old to keep dreaming.’ You know it’s funny how in the basketball world, and in the business world where you’re just supposed to stop. In the sports world, I feel like at 35 you’re just supposed to stop. If you do, that’s great.
Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before.
But I think you can make fun of anything as long as it’s funny enough.
Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.
When I was a kid, I used to be like a professional juggler in training. That’s funny, right?
In comic strips, the person on the left always speaks first.
Playing video games, as funny as it might sound, it’s a very important part of our day. Our schedule is so hectic, chaotic, demanding that we need an outlet. We need ways to express ourselves and let our energy out.
Seeing the funny side of life is useful, and I’ve always had a sense of humour.
Why do I want to annoy people? Because annoying people is funny.
There are some extremely acceptable male comedians out there: Joel Osteen, Abraham Lincoln, the man who played Phil Spector in HBO’s ‘Phil Spector.’ But even those guys, while insightful and amusing, aren’t exactly funny.
In person, RuPaul is warm, funny, personable – someone who thoroughly enjoys life.
Prejudice is a great time saver. You can form opinions without having to get the facts.
I don’t believe that anybody has come to a conclusion on why something is funny. It’s funny because it’s ridiculous and it’s ridiculous for different reasons at different times.
How could anyone like me for my true self? Being gay, disabled, loud and funny was too much in one 5ft person.
That’s the funny thing about time. It is only in looking back that it’s easy to connect the dots. To see exactly why everything needed to happen the way that it did.
I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
I may be drunk, Miss, but in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly.
If at first you don’t succeed, blame your parents.
Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive.
I can’t be funny if my feet don’t feel right.
I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.
Life is hard. After all, it kills you.
Something that I’ve always been really keen on representing is some honesty with the way that we view ourselves. That’s something I’ve always appreciated watching actors that I’ve looked up to, is when they look like you and me, or they have a funny elbow, or they have, you know, a hairy face.
Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please.
One of the funny things about the stock market is that every time one person buys, another sells, and both think they are astute.
Flea markets are fun because they are the ultimate treasure hunt. Be open to the fact that you never know what you’ll find. The most beautiful, quirky, funny, scary pieces may not have an intrinsic value.
The first day one is a guest, the second a burden, and the third a pest.
If I had to live my life over, I’d live over a saloon.
When I started out, everyone seemed to be adopting these names… Johnny Rotten, Sid Vicious. I wasn’t really Rotten or Vicious or Nasty, so I wanted something a bit more funny – yet something that seemed real rock ‘n’ roll… something that acknowledged my ambition.
A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, ‘At my age, I don’t even buy green bananas.’
I think it’s a comedian’s job to make everything funny. Nothing is off-limits.
Funny is funny, and it can come in 8 billion different shades and flavors, so I think it’s silly to kind of limit it.
I don’t think I’m funny.
I own and operate a ferocious ego.
My girlfriend doesn’t think I’m funny at all.
Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.
Letterman is very intimidating because he’s so funny, so you have to be really prepared. Also, he’s a little squeamish about certain things, so you have to always be on guard to please him.
I’m a funny guy. I want people to laugh. I laugh at myself, I make fun of myself. But at the end of the day everything that I say has a message in it.
It all started when my dog began getting free roll over minutes.
