When you’re small, you either are funny, or you get beat up a lot.
Progress was all right. Only it went on too long.
There have been times when I felt suicidal and I would stop my head from going in that direction of negativity because I thought there’d be something I’d miss that was funny in the future. If there’s a chance I’m going to laugh tomorrow then want to live to experience that.
I never smoked. I never drank and I never took drugs. The funny thing is, nothing is more boring, people like this. For me, it’s OK. But most of my friends, at least they smoke and drink.
Do not let a flattering woman coax and wheedle you and deceive you; she is after your barn.
Sometimes I’m really funny, sometimes I’m quiet, sometimes I’m shy, but I’m constantly changing.
I want someone that’s caring, funny, who’s similar to me – who doesn’t take life too seriously – keeps their private life private and is mature!
Our national flower is the concrete cloverleaf.
As a comedian, it really gelled when I started doing standup. Because standup is so much about bravery, especially in the early days. There is no doubt that it is going to go terribly for you over and over and over again. But you cannot get funny without bombing.
There are so many funny women in the world, and there has been for so many years, so I’ll be happy when people can just move on from that, and things can just be ‘comedies’ and not ‘female’ or ‘male,’ and everyone gets an equal opportunity.
Sex is funny and love is serious.
May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.
Any girl can be glamorous. All you have to do is stand still and look stupid.
He looked about as inconspicuous as a tarantula on a slice of angel food.
A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.
Apparently, my father was funny. I didn’t really know him, but people have theories that the gag-smith gene trickles down through the blood amongst other terrible traits like a big nose and a temper.
There are a lot of funny things that happen in one’s life.
If you’re going to tell people the truth, be funny or they’ll kill you.
One man is as good as another until he has written a book.
Weather forecast for tonight: dark.
We owe a lot to Thomas Edison – if it wasn’t for him, we’d be watching television by candlelight.
It’s a weird thing. Rick Springfield wrote ‘Jessie’s Girl,’ and he probably gets sick of talking about ‘Jessie’s Girl.’ The thing is, I didn’t write ‘Blurred Lines.’ I didn’t direct the music video. I’m really happy for the success, but it is kind of a funny thing to follow me around.
But I think you can make fun of anything as long as it’s funny enough.
I love airports because funny things always happen at them. They’re giant complexes full of urgency, seriousness, and confusion. Where am I supposed to be? Which way do I go? And that’s just the staff.
What contemptible scoundrel has stolen the cork to my lunch?
My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She’s ninety-seven now, and we don’t know where the hell she is.
Don’t send funny greeting cards on birthdays or at Christmas. Save them for funerals, when their cheery effect is needed.
Why don’t you get out of that wet coat and into a dry martini?
I wasn’t even 20 at the time, but it taught me something about drugs. They can take a good man, a warm, funny, loving family man, and turn him into a loser and worse.
I think being funny is not anyone’s first choice.
My parents are both very funny but they’re also relatively soft-spoken, normal human beings while I’m just a lunatic. I don’t know where this loud, ballsy, hammy ridiculousness came from. I’m just glad I followed my goals and my parents did too. It’s not like we even had a plan when I dragged my mom to Los Angeles.
You’re unlikely to discover something new without a lot of practice on old stuff, but further, you should get a heck of a lot of fun out of working out funny relations and interesting things.
When I’m being funny, I try not to offend. I don’t think much of what I’ve done has been in really ghastly taste. I don’t think I have embarrassed many people or distressed them.
I think they should have a Barbie with a buzz cut.
Drawing on my fine command of the English language, I said nothing.
If my life wasn’t funny, it would just be true, and that’s unacceptable.
Never have more children than you have car windows.
My favorite type of pet has always been a dog. They’re loyal, kind, and offer endless affection. My friend Eric says, ‘The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.’ Funny thought.
I was the kind nobody thought could make it. I had a funny Boston accent. I couldn’t pronounce my R’s. I wasn’t a beauty.
Be obscure clearly.
My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.
Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen.
I realized I was gay in the shower one day with Barbra Streisand. It happened while I was lathering, rinsing, and repeating with Pert Plus. As I was belting out the chorus to my favorite song from ‘Funny Girl,’ ‘Oh my man, I love him so, he’ll never know…’ it hit me.
Show me one guy or woman as funny as Rodney Dangerfield or as good as George Carlin, Richard Pryor, Bill Cosby, or Joan Rivers. There are a lot of good comics out there, no doubt, but as far as the quality of the comics goes, I think what you have is a bunch of situational comics.
A sure cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree.
I distrust camels, and anyone else who can go a week without a drink.
It’s funny. All you have to do is say something nobody understands and they’ll do practically anything you want them to.
I know that I’m going to die and that you’re going to die. I can’t do anything about that. But I can explore it through a metaphor and make a kind of funny, dark story about it, and in doing so, really exhaust and research as many aspects of it as I can imagine. And in a way, that does give me some closure.
I buy expensive suits. They just look cheap on me.
I’m funny. I’m a comedian. I’m not a clown.
I have Slavic fat pads that make me look like a chipmunk and arched predatory eyebrows. With that, you’re not going to get funny. That’s why I play so many bad guys.
I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn’t it.
It’s funny how people who ain’t never been down there can think that America is so fair and that we should be alright. It’s funny that the people who have their foot on our neck are telling us, ‘Get up. What’s wrong with you?’
If you have a secret, people will sit a little bit closer.
The funny thing is musicians often love to go to see visual art because you’ve got all these pictures to turn into metaphors.
Flattery is like cologne water, to be smelt, not swallowed.
It was a JOB; the video show was a JOB; you don’t tell the Aristocrats joke at 8 o’clock at night on network tv, it would be funny though. But those guys know I like dirty stuff, I like clean stuff too.
TV is chewing gum for the eyes.
It was a scandal when I did French ‘Playboy’ in 2008, though I was never actually nude in it. I think it’s really funny that I’ll have a cover of ‘Playboy’ to show my grandkids.
Very often, I don’t make it through moments of recording because it is genuinely funny and absolutely ridiculous that a 60-year-old grown man is making these noises.
The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.
Why don’t you get a haircut? You look like a chrysanthemum.
Be stupid, be dumb, be funny, if that’s who you are. Don’t try to be someone that society wants you to be; that’s stupid. So be yourself.
If you haven’t got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.
Everybody talks about the weather, but nobody does anything about it.
Given a little time for the pain to subside, dreadful experiences often can be the basis of funny jokes or stories.
In my circle of friends, I’ve always been loud and funny and talkative. But as soon as I step out of that circle, I get very quiet and introspective. I don’t want the spotlight on me.
I am blessed with a funny gene that makes me enjoy life.
There are many Bollywood actresses who work in the South and speak Tamil or Malayalam, and though it is correct, we find it funny sometimes.
I spent a year in that town, one Sunday.
Some people say funny things, but I say things funny.
Money won’t buy happiness, but it will pay the salaries of a large research staff to study the problem.
You know, it wasn’t even that I’m a funny guy, I just loved stand-up comedy and I wanted to do it. It was one of the few things in my life that I knew I was going to be able to do, and I also felt as though I’d be able to do it the way I wanted to do it.
My mum passing away wasn’t funny, but that funeral and what I went through, the things that happened, looking back at it, there were funny moments. You have to be strong enough to look back at it, to sit and assess the situation.
The easiest time to be funny is during a fairly serious situation. That way, you can break the ice. It’s crazy, but even at funerals, people will get huge laughs.
