Top 88 Joan Rivers Quotes

I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, ‘Get the hell off my property.’

I think anyone who’s perfectly happy isn’t particularly funny.

Anyone that says looks don’t count is lying. Of course they do. Even babies go to the attractive face. It’s the way humans work.

My audiences get younger all the time.

I will work as hard as I do because I love it.

Being Jewish has always been important to me. I now have 6M tattooed on the inside of my left arm. It’s only a half-inch, but every time anyone sees it, they’re reminded of the six million who perished, and so am I.

I’ve had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware.

When you whisper about something, it’s too big, and you can’t get it under control and take control of it.

Comediennes are the lucky ones, because if you’re funny, you can be 125 years old and they will still accept you.

I was not an attractive child.

I walk on a stage, and I know if it’s been a good show or not. You know when it’s been a good interview. No one has to tell you. You know it. You feel it. You can feel the air. You can feel everything about it when it’s a good show. And you know when you’ve messed up.

I always like a charity with people who don’t speak English because I get them to do all kinds of things around my house.

I hate reality shows that are not reality.

My career is as an actress. I am an actress playing a comedienne.

You’ve gotta understand – when you interview someone, it’s not an interrogation. It’s not the Nuremberg Trials.

Our natures are a lot like oil, mix us with anything else, and we strive to swim on top.

Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is God’s gift, that’s why we call it the present.

Every television show you go on is a choice.

I have a wonderful psychiatrist that I see maybe once a year, because I don’t need it. It all comes out onstage.

I think any celebrity that adopts a child from a third world country is a fool.

Thank God we’re living in a country where the sky’s the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.

I blame my mother for my poor sex life. All she told me was ‘the man goes on top and the woman underneath.’ For three years my husband and I slept in bunk beds.

Before we make love my husband takes a pain killer.

Comedy is learning to be funny, and you learn to be funny in small rooms with young audiences.

I’ve always been salaried; I’ve never owned anything. I’ve done very well, lived very well.

If you’re saying the same line 10 times and making it look like you just came up with it, that’s acting.

Yeah, I read history. But it doesn’t make you nice. Hitler read history, too.

I think I was the third person in the world to get a Kindle, and I hated it from the minute I got it.

I adore my apartment in New York. It was a ballroom that I remade, so it’s like a loft but done by Louis the Fifteenth.

It’s been so long since I’ve had sex I’ve forgotten who ties up whom.

Boy George is all England needs – another queen who can’t dress.

With plastic surgery, the general anesthetic is like a black-velvety sleep, and that’s what death is – without waking up to someone clapping and going, ‘Joan, wake up, it’s all over and you’re looking pretty’.

I had a friend who was a plastic surgeon, so he would do little things. I never had, like, a full thing. So I would go in maybe once every two or three years, and he’d do a little here, a little there; tweak you, like you tweak your car. Then I became the plastic surgery poster girl.

I am never honored. My career is hilarious to me. I am either under the radar or over the radar.

I walk on a stage, and I know if it’s been a good show or not. You know when it’s been a good interview. No one has to tell you. You know it. You feel it. You can feel the air. You can feel everything about it when it’s a good show. And you know when you’ve messed up.

I’m a New York girl. I come out of New York theater.

Part of my act is meant to shake you up. It looks like I’m being funny, but I’m reminding you of other things. Life is tough, darling. Life is hard. And we better laugh at everything; otherwise, we’re going down the tube.

I’m in nobody’s circle, I’ve always been an outsider.

The ideal beauty is a fugitive which is never found.

Fat jokes aren’t relevant, but they’re hilarious when you find them.

Diets, like clothes, should be tailored to you.

I enjoy life when things are happening. I don’t care if it’s good things or bad things. That means you’re alive.

Your child is never not your child. You can be 90 and your mother 120, but your mother is still worried about you.

I will only praise someone who can’t take anything away from me.

Acting is my true love. I would like to have been a serious actor, and I plan to in the next life. I’m gonna be Meryl Streep Rivers.

Show business is – you’re there by somebody’s fluke. And as long as somebody likes you, and the show is going well, you’re fine. I’d do anything. There’s so much I want to do.

Any comic is a very good actor. Look at Don Rickles. He is saying the same joke every night for 20 years and making it look like he just thought of it.

A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she’s a tramp.

I love Katy Perry! She’s very charming.

I’ve never thought of it consciously… I say exactly what I think, and very often it’s totally politically incorrect. I get, always, chastised for it. So it’s not shtick. But I think I’m the one who says, ‘The emperor has no clothes.’

I love the Internet, and I love that you can say whatever you want.

The first time I see a jogger smiling, I’ll consider it.

I don’t excercise. If God had wanted me to bend over, he would have put diamonds on the floor.

I wish I had a twin, so I could know what I’d look like without plastic surgery.

I’ve learned from doing my own show with Fox that people are not your partners if they’re signing the checks. Whoever signs your paycheck is the boss – no matter what they tell you.

I have no line. If I think it’s funny, it’s funny.

I hate old people, I hate children. I think any celebrity that adopts a child from a third world country is a fool.

I’m always shocked when I get an invitation. People are always shocked when they see me at a party.

Life goes by fast. Enjoy it. Calm down. It’s all funny. Next. Everyone gets so upset about the wrong things.

The worst thing that ever happened to me on stage is someone ran forward to tell me they loved me and projectile vomited all over the stage. It was horrible.

My obstetrician was so dumb that when I gave birth he forgot to cut the cord. For a year that kid followed me everywhere. It was like having a dog on a leash.

You can find my book at your favorite bookstore, and if it isn’t there, find a new favorite.

Don’t tell your kids you had an easy birth or they won’t respect you. For years I used to wake up my daughter and say, ‘Melissa you ripped me to shreds. Now go back to sleep.’.

I have no line. If I think it’s funny, it’s funny.

There is not one female comic who was beautiful as a little girl.

What are people going to do? Fire me? I’ve been fired before. Not book me? I’ve been out of work before. I don’t care.

Is Elizabeth Taylor fat? Her favorite food is seconds.

I lived to be on stage, and I’m terrified. Terrified before every show.

Elizabeth Taylor has more chins than the Chinese telephone directory.

Life does not measure up to performing… Performing is perfect.

Every comedian is furious. Age makes me angry. I’m unhappy at not being able to open packages anymore. I’m angry that libraries have gone. I hate children on planes. I’m very shallow, so they tend to be little things. To be honest, I think I was probably angry the day I was born, you know, about diapers or something.

Everyone forgets comedians are actors. There’s no question about it. A Robin Williams cannot say the same line every night for 40 weeks and make it sound fresh unless he’s doing an acting job.

It’s like, God, I’m in my 80s. Nobody, when I die, is going to say, ‘How young?’ They’re going to say she had a great ride.

I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

Both of my parents got to see me host Carson, thank God. That’s all anyone wants: to have their parents see they’re going to be all right in life.

As comedians, we are all laughing because life is so horrible. Life is so difficult, and I cope with it by making jokes about absolutely everything.

My husband wanted to be cremated. I told him I’d scatter his ashes at Neiman Marcus – that way, I’d visit him every day.

I’m Jewish. I don’t work out. If God had wanted us to bend over, He would have put diamonds on the floor.

My mother loved entertaining, and I’ve followed suit, so we have big celebrations for New Year, Passover, Thanksgiving and birthdays.

I would not want to live if I could not perform. It’s in my will. I am not to be revived unless I can do an hour of stand-up.

When I am on E! for the ‘Fashion Police,’ I only care about being a critic. It loses me many friends.