Top 95 Jerry Seinfeld Quotes

My parents didn’t want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty and that’s the law.

I am so busy doing nothing… that the idea of doing anything – which as you know, always leads to something – cuts into the nothing and then forces me to have to drop everything.

There is no such thing as fun for the whole family.

Being a good husband is like being a good stand-up comic – you need ten years before you can even call yourself a beginner.

Men want to make women happy.

I like money, but it’s never been about the money.

A lot of stuff I do out of pure obsessiveness.

Well, all comedy starts with anger. You get angry, and its never for a good reason, right? You know its not a good reason. And then you try and work it from there.

There are very few people who really appreciate my shows. People come to the show and they pay and they enjoy it, but I don’t really think most people really understand what they’ve seen.

Sometimes the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason.

I have no interest in gender or race or anything like that. But everyone else is kind of, with their calculating – is this the exact right mix? I think that’s – to me it’s anti-comedy. It’s more about PC-nonsense.

Men don’t care what’s on TV. They only care what else is on TV.

To a guy like me, a laugh is full of information.

Marriage is like a game of chess except the board is flowing water, the pieces are made of smoke and no move you make will have any effect on the outcome.

Marriage is like a game of chess except the board is flowing water, the pieces are made of smoke and no move you make will have any effect on the outcome.

People who read the tabloids deserve to be lied to.

Stand-up is hard. Or to keep it at a certain level is hard: I have no writers but me.

If you’re a surfer, you just want to surf. You don’t know if anyone’s going to see you, and you don’t really care if they see you. You just live for that feeling.

As a comedian, I found this thing, this profession, that suits my mind and life force. To drop it to do something else? I just don’t get that.

You don’t even really need a place. But you feel like you’re doing something. That is what coffee is. And that is one of the geniuses of the new coffee culture.

I think of myself more as a sportsman than I do an artist.

It’s amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.

I prefer the old theaters because the audience is… trapped.

Pay attention, don’t let life go by you. Fall in love with the back of your cereal box.

A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don’t have a top for it.

When you’re in comedy, people always come up and say, ‘Oh, it must be so hard.’ It really isn’t hard unless you’re not good at it. If you can do it, its really kind of fun and easy.

Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you’ve got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn’t your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash.

I’ll tell you one thing, since I’m married, single people look absolutely ridiculous to me.

That’s the true spirit of Christmas; people being helped by people other than me.

I do a little thing about the way people shake the sweetener packet. You know, like they’re all excited. I want to get all the granules down to one end. I love all these rituals.

It takes up enough of my time and interest just working on comedy. I just enjoy it and love doing it.

You have to motivate yourself with challenges. That’s how you know you’re still alive.

I won’t do something unless I can get at least two or three good laughs out of it. If I can’t, it’s not gonna make the team.

When I was a comic in the 1980s, I was on the road somewhere every day, and I’d get back to the hotel, and it was Carson and Letterman, and I looked forward to that all day.

Crankiness is at the essence of all comedy. My wife and I were discussing the different types of cranky. There’s entertaining cranky, annoying cranky, angry cranky.

The Internet offers opportunities that are more unique than ever before. With TV, I know I’m making 22 minutes; I know there’s a commercial in the middle. With the Internet, no one knows anything. No rules.

There are very few people who really appreciate my shows. People come to the show and they pay and they enjoy it, but I don’t really think most people really understand what they’ve seen.

I’m a big believer than a great bit is a great bit – if I go and see someone I love, like Robert Klein. I want to hear some classics and some new stuff. But a great stand-up bit takes a long time to really polish and perfect, and they’re beautiful things when they’re done.

I am so busy doing nothing… that the idea of doing anything – which as you know, always leads to something – cuts into the nothing and then forces me to have to drop everything.

That’s the true spirit of Christmas; people being helped by people other than me.

We sold ‘Seinfeld’ all over the world but it was a very specific kind of show. In some countries it went down really well, in others they hated it.

Make no mistake about why these babies are here – they are here to replace us.

Pay attention, don’t let life go by you. Fall in love with the back of your cereal box.

I do probably 60 concerts a year in the States. And I go out to clubs in the week. I’m doing new stuff all the time.

I wrote an article on a new Porsche for ‘Automobile Magazine.’ I knew the editor, and she asked me to write this article. So I’m more proud of that than anything.

I kind of thought that stand-up comedy would suffer from the Internet because people seem to know more about the craft of stand-up than ever before. I thought it would seem trite. Kind of like if you know more about magicians, you wouldn’t love them.

Being a good husband is like being a good stand-up comic – you need ten years before you can even call yourself a beginner.

My parents didn’t want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty and that’s the law.

Well, Howard Stern has been doing his impression of me for years. It doesn’t really bother me.

I’ll tell you one thing, since I’m married, single people look absolutely ridiculous to me.

A lot of times, you could play me just the laughs from my set, and I could tell you, from the laugh, what the joke was. Because they match.

A bookstore is one of the only pieces of evidence we have that people are still thinking.

When I jumped off a roof in Cannes in a bee costume, I looked ridiculous. But this is my business; I have to humiliate myself.

If you get something right, you really feel it, right in your chest, on stage. I think it’s an incomparable experience.

Nobody enjoys the ‘little show about nothing’ humor more than me, but that is never the way I look at it.

My theory is 98 percent of all human endeavor is killing time.

The Four Levels of Comedy: Make your friends laugh, Make strangers laugh, Get paid to make strangers laugh, and Make people talk like you because it’s so much fun.

Sometimes the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason.

Funny is the world I live in. You’re funny, I’m interested. You’re not funny, I’m not interested.

I’m a big believer than a great bit is a great bit – if I go and see someone I love, like Robert Klein. I want to hear some classics and some new stuff. But a great stand-up bit takes a long time to really polish and perfect, and they’re beautiful things when they’re done.

Stand-up is hard.

To me, if life boils down to one thing, it’s movement. To live is to keep moving.

You have to motivate yourself with challenges. That’s how you know you’re still alive.

The IRS! They’re like the Mafia, they can take anything they want!

Taking in a baseball game on TV is also a big treat.

A bookstore is one of the only pieces of evidence we have that people are still thinking.

My theory is 98 percent of all human endeavor is killing time.

Once you start doing only what you’ve already proven you can do, you’re on the road to death.

Men want to make women happy.

You know, crankiness is at the essence of all comedy.

You spend so much time in the world of virtual that the actual – which nothing is more actual than stand-up – it’s a painful experience for the audience, and the comedian a lot of time – we miss that.

Nobody enjoys the ‘little show about nothing’ humor more than me, but that is never the way I look at it.

Stand-up is hard.

I don’t want to hear the specials. If they’re so special, put ’em on the menu.

A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don’t have a top for it.

I can walk through a hotel lobby and watch people at the desk and see what they’re doing. People don’t look at me. They don’t even know I’m there.

Forty to 60 I would say is your prime. That’s when you know the most, you’ve seen the most, you understand the most, and you still have some physical energy.