Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories.
I have an existential map. It has ‘You are here’ written all over it.
If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?
I saw a bank that said ’24 Hour Banking’, but I don’t have that much time.
I’m writing an unauthorized autobiography.
For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier… I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.
I laugh all the time – at things, people, stuff, whatever. But, I don’t laugh onstage because then it’s serious business.
I liked school, but I used to dread those moments when the teacher would call me up to give an oral report. I forced myself to deal with it and not dwell on the class in front of me – to keep a straight face, give the report and concentrate on getting it right. That’s normally how I perform. That’s how I am.
I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, ‘Hey, the sign says you’re open 24 hours.’ He said, ‘Yes, but not in a row.’
I was always making my friends laugh, but I never wanted the attention of the whole classroom.
I need one of those baby monitors from my subconscious to my consciousness so I can know what the hell I’m really thinking about.
It’s like the Wild West, the Internet. There are no rules.
Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.
It’s very interesting, the joke comes first and then the wording comes within five seconds, maybe ten seconds. My thing is to get the joke across in as few words as possible. However, sometimes a word that’s not really needed does help the rhythm of it. It’s a gut feeling.
I’m used to seeing it, but it’s weird having an Academy Award. You usually only see one of them on the TV show when they give them out, so it’s kind of surreal to have one in your house.
It’s very intense to be in front of a live audience. It’s just an amazing experience. It’s dangerous. Everything out there is heightened. The bad stuff is extra-worse. The silences are extra-silent. The good stuff is amazing. It’s electric when you walk out there. For 90 minutes, you’re on this other planet.
Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.
My act is an exaggeration of a part of me. I’m much more expressive off stage.
When I was a kid, I never did funny things to get attention. I was never a funny person. I was never, like, ‘Oh, wow. I could say this some day on stage.’
I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums.
My neighbor has a circular driveway… he can’t get out.
I have two pairs of reading glasses. One pair is for reading fiction, the other for non-fiction. I’ve read the Bible twice wearing each pair, and it’s the same.
I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
I don’t get up, get dressed, go out, and think, ‘Okay, I gotta find eight jokes.’
I’m going to get an MRI to find out whether I have claustrophobia.
I was a peripheral visionary. I could see the future, but only way off to the side.
I went to a restaurant that serves ‘breakfast at any time’. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
I invented the cordless extension cord.
At one point he decided enough was enough.
If God dropped acid, would he see people?
Is it weird in here, or is it just me?
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