Words matter. These are the best Funny Quotes from famous people such as Bette Davis, Dennis Miller, Joe Biden, Ray Stevens, Ghostface Killah, and they’re great for sharing with your friends.
I’d like to kiss ya, but I just washed my hair.
There’s nothing wrong with being shallow as long as you’re insightful about it.
I used to stutter really badly. Everybody thinks it’s funny. And it’s not funny. It’s not.
The human brain is a funny thing: it’s very susceptible to tempo and melody. You put the right words to it, and it becomes very influential.
I’m funny with food, even if it’s vegan. I like it well well, well, well done. I don’t want anything there that reminds me of blood. I get mine extra well done. That way, when I look at it, I’m like, ‘Okay, cool.’
We are all here on earth to help others; what on earth the others are here for I don’t know.
Society is like a stew. If you don’t stir it up every once in a while then a layer of scum floats to the top.
Until you walk a mile in another man’s moccasins you can’t imagine the smell.
If you want a guarantee, buy a toaster.
A joke is just a paintbrush. It takes someone funny to paint something beautiful.
I’ve always believed that there are funny people everywhere, but they’re just not comedians. In fact, some of my best comedic inspirations were not professional entertainers.
I like to play music, and I like to be funny, so I just do both at the same time.
The funny thing about cinema is, usually when they do a story that has African Americans in it, there always has to be a white guy who’s the savior.
For me personally, I just don’t have anything to prove anymore. I know exactly who I am, I know that I’m intelligent and acting dumb or acting like whatever. If that’s funny to me because I know it’s false then so be it.
It’s a funny old world.
I do like dating cynics – they tend to be incredibly funny.
Wine is constant proof that God loves us and loves to see us happy.
Thinking is one thing no one has ever been able to tax.
Why don’t you get out of that wet coat and into a dry martini?
It’s funny, I hear people say I’m faking all this science stuff. That’s the furthest thing from the truth. It’s literally what I have to do to play and perform at this level.
The middle class is so funny, it’s the class I know best, and it’s the class where you find the most pretension, so that’s what makes the middle classes so funny.
I think it’s great to see how they’ve grown up, not just as actors but as people. They’re still very much the same kids that I met many years ago. They’ve grown up and they are funny and wicked and naughty and bright, and I think as actors their work is just getting better and better. They’ve blossomed.
I thought ‘Borat’ was a breakthrough comedy, because it was really funny. It wasn’t some studio-produced script with 14 writers.
I never said most of the things I said.
Johnny Rotten. He’s a big fan of mine. I used to see him out in the audience in England and he’d stand up and holler. He’s funny. Smart too, and a nice guy. Don’t think he’s a jerk because he isn’t.
How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.
Probably spending 12 years at boarding school – comedy became a survival gene. But I think some people are funny right off the bat, as soon as they can speak or be naughty.
Hurried and worried until we’re buried, and there’s no curtain call, Lifes a very funny proposition after all.
It’s funny when people say, ‘I don’t think Julia likes me.’ Honey, if I don’t like you, you’re going to know about it.
I find what I do for a living really funny. I mean, acting is kind of a hilarious thing for a grown man to call a job.
It’s funny, because when you’re younger you’re in a rush to be 18 or 21 or whatever. But then you hit 30. And now, the days go by like hours. You think, 40, man, this could be the halfway point. It could be the three-quarters point, you know? Who knows?
I wish the government would put a tax on pianos for the incompetent.
I’ve always found it easier to be funny than to be serious.
Maori get pigeonholed into the idea they’re spiritual and telling stories like ‘Whale Rider’ and ‘Once Were Warriors,’ quite serious stuff, but we’re pretty funny people, and we never really have had an opportunity to show that side of ourselves, the clumsy, nerdy side of ourselves, which is something I am.
He looks as though he’s been weaned on a pickle.
I’m like old wine. They don’t bring me out very often – but I’m well preserved.
I went to the University of San Francisco on an athletic scholarship. I didn’t study in high school. I was just there to get by and to play basketball. But a funny thing happened to me when I got to college. I got challenged by the work and the professors.
The follow your dreams thing is really important because so many people are railroaded into taking other paths by their family, their friends, people who should be supportive going, ‘What are you talking about?’ Even just seemingly regular career paths, but if it’s not what people expect for you they kind of react funny.
Cure for an obsession: get another one.
The funny thing about directing is that you have your own opinions, but it’s a collaboration. Directing is a group effort. Even though you might think something works, the smartest thing you can do as a director is try and weigh the opinions of the people around you.
I don’t have a caustic sense of humor. What I find funny, that humor comes from a much gentler place.
Funny is the world I live in. You’re funny, I’m interested. You’re not funny, I’m not interested.
I’ve seen many female comics that a lot of people haven’t heard of who are so funny, and I saw them come up, and they were working so hard, and then all of a sudden they had a baby, and they just got tied up in motherhood, and eventually, they kind of just stopped doing stand-up, and I thought it was such a shame.
I owe my whole acting career to the fact that I’m a singer. I went out to Los Angeles and auditioned for a TV show called ‘Fame L.A.’ The original role was for a comedian, but they said I wasn’t very funny, so they asked me, ‘What else can you do?’ So I played a singer.
People like my voice, which is funny because all my life my family has joked about my nasal voice.
A lot of men are competitive about being funny.
I love Adele. Adele is my favorite artist. She’s British. She’s funny. She’s just an amazing, incredible voice, and I love to sing as well.
I find, when you’re an optimist, life has a funny way of looking after you.
There is nothing funny about Halloween. This sarcastic festival reflects, rather, an infernal demand for revenge by children on the adult world.
We need two kinds of acquaintances, one to complain to, while to the others we boast.
It’s so funny because if you tweet your lyrics and then you hear it in a song next week, you’re like, ‘Hey I had that same idea.’ I’m very secretive with my music. We have to send emails password protected. Because once that song gets out, you aren’t selling that thing.
Funny enough, you know who I used to really like in Lion King? It was Scar.
I’m so bad at dancing that I’ve actually been in two movies where the director of the film saw me dancing and thought it was so funny that in one movie they had me do it as the mental dancing of a real simple person. The other one was, like, to-be-laughed-at dancing. That’s how bad my dancing is.
By making the gay character funny and sweet but above all normal, you make a far better, longer lasting statement than you would if you had an entirely gay comedy.
When you reminisce, you don’t say, ‘Remember that time you got sued by so-and-so?’ No, you say, ‘Remember when we played here and it was unbelievable, and we went out for that incredible meal and that funny thing happened?’ Those are the important moments.
My parents, grandparents, aunts and uncles were all funny, and I felt that energy, that delivery, that timing, that sarcasm. All that stuff seeped into my brain.
The tax collector must love poor people, he’s creating so many of them.
You know how old I am? I’m so old, I remember when Letterman used to be funny and it was presidents who were serious. That’s how old I am.
I don’t think the public is dying to see me necessarily be funny all the time.
Every time I see an adult on a bicycle, I no longer despair for the future of the human race.
I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by.
I did this movie called ‘Their Eyes Were Watching God,’ and I was an extra, and it was a movie that Oprah was producing. She had walked by, and I was making all the other extras laugh, and she said, ‘You’re a very funny young lady.’ I was like, ‘Eeeee!’
I always think everyone else is funnier than me. I look at other comedians and I say, ‘I wish I was that good.’ People think I’m funny, and I say, ‘I’m not.’
It’s amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.
I know I’m more on television, and I’m more recognisable than maybe even the players because they run and train, but I just stand there, and my face does all these funny things that everyone can see all the time.
If you could kick the person in the pants responsible for most of your trouble, you wouldn’t sit for a month.
I like Jacques Derrida; I think he’s funny. I like my philosophy with a few jokes and puns. I know that that offends other philosophers; they think he’s not taking things seriously, but he comes up with some marvellous puns. Why shouldn’t you have a bit of fun while dealing with the deepest issues of the mind?
What’s funny about my resume is so much of what I’ve done has not been seen.
In ‘The Sound of Music,’ I was a von Trapp daughter in a white dress with a blue satin sash, and my line was, ‘I’m Brigitta. I’m 12, and all I want is a good time.’ I got a laugh. And I was so delighted, I laughed, too. Sadly, that’s a problem I still have – onstage, I laugh hysterically at how funny I am.
A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don’t have a top for it.
Food, love, career, and mothers, the four major guilt groups.
Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
It is even harder for the average ape to believe that he has descended from man.
I grew up playing hockey and some football, and I always think about the first time you walk into the locker room on a new team. The cliques are looking at you funny, and you make one friend, but then they’re trying to stab you in the back.
Wine is similar to music in that it’s a purely experiential realm, and it’s a purely subjective practice. That’s sort of the funny thing about wine criticism or, for that matter, music criticism. At times, those are useful guides, but ultimately it’s all about how you react to that music or wine.
I’m going to marry a Jewish woman because I like the idea of getting up Sunday morning and going to the deli.
Since childhood, I’ve been a clown. I’ve always liked being very funny or trying to make people laugh. It’s my original self.
My chin’s too big. And my nose – my nose is funny.
If men knew how women pass the time when they are alone, they’d never marry.
My mama never wore a pair of pants when I was growing up, and now that’s all she wears. It was so funny for me when I first started seeing Mama wear pants. It was like it wasn’t Mama. Now I’ve bought her many a pantsuit because she just lives in them.
Always remember your kid’s name. Always remember where you put your kid. Don’t let your kid drive until their feet can reach the pedals. Use the right size diapers… for yourself. And, when in doubt, make funny faces.
When it comes down to it, glam rock was all very amusing. At the time, it was funny, then a few years later it became sort of serious-looking and a bit foreboding.
One man’s folly is another man’s wife.
A government that robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul.
I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.
Latinos, Asians, African-Americans, women – we’re all trying to find our place in this world of cinema and television and theater. And the great thing with comedy is that most of the time, you could be orange. It doesn’t matter, as long you’re funny.
My definition of an intellectual is someone who can listen to the William Tell Overture without thinking of the Lone Ranger.
I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.
The funny thing about directing is that you have your own opinions, but it’s a collaboration. Directing is a group effort. Even though you might think something works, the smartest thing you can do as a director is try and weigh the opinions of the people around you.
There’s a fine line between angry and grumpy. Angry isn’t nice, but grumpy is funny.
It’s a funny thing about life; if you refuse to accept anything but the best, you very often get it.
I’m a funny person, but I take my music seriously.
When you’re in love it’s the most glorious two and a half days of your life.
I’m probably not very funny. The scripts just don’t come in, or the ones that do aren’t that good. I suppose I’m just an old drama queen, really.
It’s always funny until someone gets hurt. Then it’s just hilarious.
If you’re contriving something, if you’re making something up, it’s not funny. You can tell. It’s instant. It has to come from someplace real.
After all is said and done, sit down.
What do I know of man’s destiny? I could tell you more about radishes.
If at first you don’t succeed… so much for skydiving.
There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full.
Housework can’t kill you, but why take a chance?
I think if everyone would write down the funny stories from their own childhoods, the world would be a better place.
Looking the way I look, whenever anybody’s looking for a light brown funny guy, I get the call… I’m 100 percent Greek, but I look like I could be Indian or Middle Eastern or Hispanic. If it’s ethnic, they’ll try and put me in it.
I love mankind; it’s people I can’t stand.
I don’t mean to be funny.
It’s hard to lead a cavalry charge if you think you look funny on a horse.
One longs to be funny, to make people laugh. Laughter is such a sign of approval, isn’t it?
Things have to be funny first, and if they want to have a point, that’s awesome.
Whoever is my relative, I will not be nice to them.
It’s true; I have a skill and it’s… it has not related to acting, it’s not related to auditions, it’s not related to studios, not related to public whim. It’s whether I’m funny or not and whether I can entertain people.
If it weren’t for Philo T. Farnsworth, inventor of television, we’d still be eating frozen radio dinners.
The way taxes are, you might as well marry for love.
In terms of the creative side of it, it’s really been a thing where you come up with the funny stuff is usually at a bar or out talking to people or whatever.
Tennis is a funny game, and it takes a life-time of keeping one’s eyes open on the circuit to have any chance of understanding the strange phenomena that exist in our exciting sport!
It’s a funny kind of month, October. For the really keen cricket fan, it’s when you discover that your wife left you in May.
My dad is a storyteller. I’ve heard his funny stories 500 times, but I would never stop him because he tells them so brilliantly and still knows where to put the funny bit.
Guilt: the gift that keeps on giving.
I love every minute of fatherhood, staying up all night, changing nappies, kids crying, I find it really funny and inspiring. It connects you to the world in a new way.
I’m thankful for the three ounce Ziploc bag, so that I have somewhere to put my savings.
I became good friends with Jack Whitehall. I think he’s great, such a great dude, and really funny.
It’s funny, I guess when I was growing up, I didn’t really think about being an instrumentalist, per se. I didn’t think, well, I want to be a piano player, or, I want to be a guitar player, or even, I want to be a singer. I just wanted to be a musician.
A transposable aphorism is a malaise of the urge to be witty, or in other words, a maxim that is untroubled by the fact that the opposite of what it says is equally true so long as it appears to be funny.
I think it’s funny to be delicate with subjects that are explosive.
When I got the phone call that I was going to be on ‘Drag Race’ I thought I was going to win. I thought I was going to win ‘Drag Race’ before I was even cast. I’m not even being funny. I’m being serious.
An idea isn’t responsible for the people who believe in it.
Only the mediocre are always at their best.
The fascination of shooting as a sport depends almost wholly on whether you are at the right or wrong end of the gun.
When I was right out of college, I felt competitive with some of the guys in my class over career stuff. It’s funny now to think about it – that a friend getting a job or something had anything to do with me… I think that my relationship with my wife has played a pivotal role in the chilling out of Aaron.
The superfluous, a very necessary thing.
Funny is not a color. Being black is only good from the time you get from the curtain to the microphone.
It’s funny, we appear as robots from another world, but what we do, what the robots create, is really human after all.
I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with Guess on it. I said, Thyroid problem?
Without hurting anybody, we all tend to laugh at others’ discomfort. When someone slips on a banana skin and falls it’s funny.
I’m not funny in person. I mean I’m really not. I’m one of those people who always screw up anecdotes.
The two things in the world we all share in this world are laughter and pain. We’ve all got problems. The levels of those problems vary, but we’ve all got problems. When you can take things that are painful and make them funny, that’s a gift – to you and your audience.
When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That’s relativity.
You can hate me for being a woman, you can hate me for being smart, you can hate me for being funny, but you hate me because I am doing something you could never do. End of story.
Eddie Murphy said once in an interview that nothing is offensive if it’s funny. I sort of agree with that, but if something’s funny and you’re the subject of it, sometimes it’s more offensive. If someone’s insulting you, you want them to sound like an idiot.
There’s one thing about baldness, it’s neat.
I don’t need you to remind me of my age. I have a bladder to do that for me.
Coach Blatt is very, very knowledgeable about the game. And it just goes to show you that no matter where you’re at, he knows as much about basketball as anyone. You learn a lot from him. And he’s a very charming guy, very personable. He’s pretty funny, too.
Yes, we do defend our office as we do defend our homes. This is a constitutional right everybody has, and nothing’s funny about that. The only reason they get mad at the Black Panther Party when you do it is for the simple reason that we’re political.
I was fired from an NBC sitcom called ‘Friends With Benefits.’ I was wrong for the part from the beginning, didn’t even want to audition, and kept thinking, ‘This isn’t funny at all.’
We are supposed to enjoy the good stuff now, while we can, with the people we love. Life has a funny way of teaching us that lesson over and over again.
Everybody I know who is funny, it’s in them. You can teach timing, or some people are able to tell a joke, though I don’t like to tell jokes. But I think you have to be born with a sense of humor and a sense of timing.
I had several turtles before they were in. People seemed to think they were funny. Now everyone is wearing them practically every place. I think that’s real fine, but I don’t agree they should go to a formal affair. Turtlenecks with dinner jackets seem ridiculous to me.
Communism is like one big phone company.
I don’t believe that anybody has come to a conclusion on why something is funny. It’s funny because it’s ridiculous and it’s ridiculous for different reasons at different times.
As far as I’m concerned, ‘whom’ is a word that was invented to make everyone sound like a butler.
When ‘Mean Girls’ came out, I was 15. So I saw that movie and was like, ‘That is so funny.’ But it still has that fluffy, happy ending, and that doesn’t happen in high school.
What I do onstage, there’s maybe .0001 percent of the population that acts like that. I talk like that because it makes me laugh, and because I know a couple of people that talk like that. They’re really that Southern. And they do funny things. I love ’em; they’re awesome. They’re good people.
I know what’s funny, and I probably know the best way to deliver the joke. Whether it’s walking out of a room, facing that way, facing this way. I just have a sense of that.
This suspense is terrible. I hope it will last.
Fashions have done more harm than revolutions.
My uncle Sammy was an angry man. He had printed on his tombstone: What are you looking at?
I don’t have a caustic sense of humor. What I find funny, that humor comes from a much gentler place.
It’s funny how things change slowly, until the day we realize they’ve changed completely.
I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.
Being funny is my biggest differentiator, and I think I’d be a fool not to use that, and there’s nothing I enjoy personally more than making a human being laugh. But then, I also think I have a serious side to me.
I always dreamed about getting on TV and being part of a team – a funny ensemble.
It’s funny, because I don’t have a very addictive personality in any way except for things like stories or books or movies or TV. I just get, like, completely enamored and lost in that world, especially when one really hits the right way. Like, I just can’t do anything else.
Democrats are dumb and Republicans are stupid, but the difference between dumb and stupid is dumb isn’t funny. Dumb is when you say something and the whole room goes, ‘What did he say?’
I bought some batteries, but they weren’t included.
It’s funny, I used to say on ‘That 70’s Show’, you could really put us in any decade, and it was about the people and the characters and that we cared about each other.
If Joy Behar or Sherri Shepherd was a dude, they’d be off TV. They’re not funny enough for dudes. What if Roseanne Barr was a dude? Think we’d know who she was?
I could sooner reconcile all Europe than two women.
Why does everyone think the future is space helmets, silver foil, and talking like computers, like a bad episode of Star Trek?
I grew up in a time when women didn’t really do comedy. You had to be homely, overweight, an old maid, all that. You had to play a stereotype, because very attractive women were not supposed to be funny – because it’s powerful; it’s a threat.
I worked with Tyler before on ‘Daddy’s Little Girls’. He couldn’t be smarter or more laid back and cool. He’s always throwing out lines and is funny as hell. And he was shining his light on ‘Peeples’, too, lending his name to showcase Tina as a first-time director, and me as a first-time lead.
I always thought there were two kinds of males in the world: the ones who look good naked and the ones who look funny naked.
I have a memory like an elephant. I remember every elephant I’ve ever met.
I was a vegetarian until I started leaning toward the sunlight.
Everything I experience in life, I put through the sausage-maker that is comedy, and then try to make it funny for others. Whether that is healthy or not remains to be seen.
Say what you will about the ten commandments, you must always come back to the pleasant fact that there are only ten of them.
I want to give kids that fall-off-the-bed-laughing feeling. Either that, or the sixth-grade feeling that life is hard – sometimes unbearably hard – and it is ultimately about death. But in the meantime, life can be really funny, too.
When I was a kid, I never did funny things to get attention. I was never a funny person. I was never, like, ‘Oh, wow. I could say this some day on stage.’
It’s funny – when I started acting, I didn’t know I was going to be talking about Asian-American issues so much. You know what, though? It just comes with the territory, being ethnic.
What’s funny is that all the artists I’ve collaborated with, I get this feeling that they want me to win. They’re always asking my opinion, always giving me advice.
To me, writing is remembering something funny that happened, or maybe something I said seven years ago.
The reward of energy, enterprise and thrift is taxes.
Life does not cease to be funny when people die any more than it ceases to be serious when people laugh.
Funny is funny. I dare anyone to look at Tim Conway and Harvey Korman doing the dentist sketch, which is more than 40 years old, and not scream with laughter.
My theory is that all of Scottish cuisine is based on a dare.
I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
Life would be tragic if it weren’t funny.
Older people shouldn’t eat health food, they need all the preservatives they can get.
People say that life is the thing, but I prefer reading.
The shooting of the guns, that was kind of funny, because rolling a cigarette and shooting a gun aren’t like normal things for a 13-year old girl!
I find what I do for a living really funny. I mean, acting is kind of a hilarious thing for a grown man to call a job.
I sang in the choir for years, even though my family belonged to another church.
I love funny Instagram filters. Where your face changes; your eyes become big, your mouth becomes protruded. I love all of that.
Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?
People always ask me, ‘Were you funny as a child?’ Well, no, I was an accountant.
A lot of men are competitive about being funny.
Life is funny. If you don’t laugh, you’re in trouble.
I got my sense of humor from my grandmother. You know, my grandmother was very funny.
Who included me among the ranks of the human race?
I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.
When we talk to God, we’re praying. When God talks to us, we’re schizophrenic.
Mom was so funny and loving to us kids. She was our first audience. When my dad died, I was suddenly alone in the house with her because my two older brothers were away at college. I was the man of the house, and she was the grieving woman.
I make funny videos of me playing video games, and I share those moments.
Age is something that doesn’t matter, unless you are a cheese.
I never expected to see the day when girls would get sunburned in the places they now do.
How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.
She was a handsome woman of forty-five and would remain so for many years.
Whatever is funny is subversive, every joke is ultimately a custard pie… a dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion.
I grew up as a very sarcastic person. I was always the class clown, and to date girls, I had to be really funny. I was really skinny growing up. I was so thin, I had to run around in the shower to get wet. That kind of thin. So I always had to rely on humor and sarcasm.
Tact is the ability to describe others as they see themselves.
Novels are not about expressing yourself, they’re about something beautiful, funny, clever and organic. Self-expression? Go and ring a bell in a yard if you want to express yourself.
Comedy is just an unspoken language. Everybody understands it. Funny is funny. When it’s not funny, they’ll let you know.
Comedy is only funny when there’s real pain.
Probably spending 12 years at boarding school – comedy became a survival gene. But I think some people are funny right off the bat, as soon as they can speak or be naughty.
I mean, sometimes… a comedian becomes an actor, and they just don’t deliver, because the bottom line of comedy is to be funny, and the bottom line of acting is to be truthful, and they get that mixed up sometimes, or don’t even notice that that’s the thing.
If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.
When Jonathan Winters died, it was like, ‘Oh, man!’ I knew he was frail, but I always thought he was going to last longer. I knew him as being really funny, but at the same time, he had a dark side.
It’s a funny thing… I started touring at nine or ten years old, and for the first ten, fifteen, almost twenty years of your career, you’re the youngest guy on stage and the youngest guy in the room.
To me, the funniest American of the Twentieth Century is Richard Nixon because he had the most to hide, and he was so bad at hiding it. To me, that’s what’s really funny – people who think they’re doing a great job of hiding stuff, and it just keeps leaking out.
I gave a funny speech at my wife’s birthday party, and I’m thinking, ‘Hey, I’ve still got it.’
It’s funny how people who ain’t never been down there can think that America is so fair and that we should be alright. It’s funny that the people who have their foot on our neck are telling us, ‘Get up. What’s wrong with you?’
It’s truly a new day ever since we graced the WWE Universe with our presence. Every time we come out there, you see us being funny, having fun, entertaining people and, of course, preaching the power of positivity. That’s what New Day is all about.
I have a wonderful make-up crew. They’re the same people restoring the Statue of Liberty.
I read part of it all the way through.
If at first you don’t succeed, find out if the loser gets anything.
There’s only one true superpower amongst human beings, and that is being funny. People treat you differently if you can make them laugh.
I’ve never worked in my natural accent, having studied so hard to get rid of it when I moved to England as a child where I was bullied at school for ‘talking funny.’
Design is a funny word. Some people think design means how it looks. But of course, if you dig deeper, it’s really how it works.
I failed to make the chess team because of my height.
I’m screamingly funny, you know, I really am in the books. And that helps because I’m funnier than a lot of people, I think, and that’s appreciated by young people.
What bothers most critics of my work is the goofiness. One reviewer said I need to make up my mind if want to be funny or serious. My response is that I will make up my mind when God does, because life is a commingling of the sacred and the profane, good and evil. To try and separate them is fallacy.
I’ve always loved ‘Umbrella.’ Funny enough, my ex-husband wrote that, and I’m not saying it was meant for me or anything – people will start twisting this – it is Rihanna’s song! But I’ve always loved it.
I sang in the choir for years, even though my family belonged to another church.
Never floss with a stranger.
Boy, those French: they have a different word for everything!
Everything I buy is vintage and smells funny. Maybe that’s why I don’t have a boyfriend.
It’s funny – when I first started as an actor, obviously there were long periods of being idle and all you want to do is work. So if I ever get the compulsion to feel like I should complain or feel like I want to take a break, I just remember how I was before and be very grateful for it.
Someone said to me at a party once, ‘Oh, yeah, you’re a comedian? Then how come you’re not funny now?’ And I just wanted to say, ‘Well, I’m just going to take this conversation we’re having and then repeat that to strangers, and then that’s the joke. You’re the joke later.’
I’m funny when I want to be. And I’m even funny when I don’t want to be.
I went window shopping today! I bought four windows.
Funny things tend not to happen to me. I am not a natural comic. I need to think about things a lot before I can be even remotely amusing.
And I think that being able to make people laugh and write a book that’s funny makes the information go down a lot easier and it makes it a lot more fun to read, easier to understand, and often stronger. So there’s all kinds of advantages to it.
I wasn’t close to my father, but I wanted to be all my life. He had a funny sense of humor, and he laughed all the time – good and loud, like I do. He was a gay Irish gentleman and very good-looking. And he wanted to be close to me, too, but we never had much time together.
I’m a funny guy. You’ve got to be able to make fun of yourself. We only live once.
I direct with energy. I believe in energy. I think energy is an electric thing in actors. I try to inspire, encourage, and make choices with lots of energy. And truth. I’m big fan of truth and being funny. I like leading 50 people into battle every day.
Do you know, it’s funny, but I never thought of being blind as a disadvantage, and I never thought of being black as a disadvantage.
I love to go to Washington – if only to be near my money.
If women ran the world we wouldn’t have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.
Before I refuse to take your questions, I have an opening statement.
When I do a voiceover now, there are always a few people I’ve borrowed bits off, whether it’s their hats or facial hair, who’ll say: ‘That’s so funny; it’s obviously based on this guy.’ You think, ‘It ain’t: it’s you.’ Actors never think characters are based on them.
Men are only as loyal as their options.
A nickel ain’t worth a dime anymore.
I don’t deserve this award, but I have arthritis and I don’t deserve that either.
I had seen movies before that that had made me laugh, but I had never seen anything even remotely close to as funny as Richard Pryor was, just standing there talking.
I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her.
Racing is a funny industry. One week you can be going terrible and the next week you’re on top of the world. So you just keep showing up: I keep working harder to get more opportunities, but what do you do – that’s life.
I can’t even look at daily comic strips. And I hate sitcoms because they don’t seem like real people to me: they’re props that often say horrible things to each other, which I don’t find funny. I have to feel like they’re real people.
Everyone tells me I have a funny accent. It’s because I copy people. I learned English at school but have best friends who are French, Australian, English and American; a very weird mix.
I’ve never been married, but I tell people I’m divorced so they won’t think something is wrong with me.
It’s funny, because there are so many stereotypes out there about actors and movie stars in general, but I’ve had a great opportunity to meet a lot of them, and maybe it’s just because they don’t behave that way around me, but I rarely see that kind of abuse of power.
Life was a funny thing that happened to me on the way to the grave.
I like to be funny. I can’t stay all the time focused, disciplined, controlled. Behaviour like that is impossible. If the players are too nervous before a game, I have to relax them, calm them.
The most exciting phrase to hear in science, the one that heralds new discoveries, is not ‘Eureka!’ but ‘That’s funny…’
I love Adele. Adele is my favorite artist. She’s British. She’s funny. She’s just an amazing, incredible voice, and I love to sing as well.
Crashing is never funny, but sometimes you can jump up, laugh at your stupidity, and go, ‘What the hell was that?’
People are apprehensive about finding ‘The Leftovers’ funny because it’s such a dark circumstance, but I think, really, what the show is about is examining how different people deal with loss. There are elements of humour and levity and irony in that… just like in real life.
What’s funny is that all the artists I’ve collaborated with, I get this feeling that they want me to win. They’re always asking my opinion, always giving me advice.
My life needs editing.
When someone calls me up and wants me to do something, of course I am open to it. But I am not going to do it if there isn’t anything interesting or funny about it.
It’s funny, when you have a theme so particular to cows – or it could be anything like hair or nails – when you’re rapping about a specific thing, you can have more punchlines about it.
The day I made that statement, about the inventing the internet, I was tired because I’d been up all night inventing the Camcorder.
Part of my act is meant to shake you up. It looks like I’m being funny, but I’m reminding you of other things. Life is tough, darling. Life is hard. And we better laugh at everything; otherwise, we’re going down the tube.
Nothing’s funny about someone who’s successful.
There’s no such thing as soy milk. It’s soy juice.
He was like a cock who thought the sun had risen to hear him crow.
When I was born I owed twelve dollars.
I was the kid next door’s imaginary friend.
It’s funny about men and women. Men pay in cash to get them and pay in cash to get rid of them. Women pay emotionally coming and going. Neither has it easy.
Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.
The inventory process and stepping back in your life can sometimes be a very dark process. But it also can be extremely funny and surprising.
It’s funny what a few no-hitters do for a body.
I can’t stress to you enough how much I can relate to teens being cyberbullied. Something that helps me is looking at old videos of me and my friends from middle school, or videos of my family. I love watching funny videos of my favorite people – it really cheers me up.
I guess when you turn off the main road, you have to be prepared to see some funny houses.
I could party in a cardboard box with people who are funny and don’t care. For me, it’s really about who I surround myself with, so I just try to always be with hilarious people.
A lot of baby boomers are baby bongers.
Every man has a sane spot somewhere.
Comedy is a tool of togetherness. It’s a way of putting your arm around someone, pointing at something, and saying, ‘Isn’t it funny that we do that?’ It’s a way of reaching out.
I like children – fried.
When I’m on stage, it’s really intense. My mind is going a million miles an hour, trying to remember my act, trying to say it all the right way. It’s funny how different it looks and how it’s happening. There are three Fellini circuses in my head, and outwardly it looks like I’m going to get a bagel.
You can crack a joke and make a person smile but it matters a lot when that’s on screen. It can be a very nice joke but if you shoot it badly or the actor gets the timing wrong, it won’t be funny.
I love hearing about bad behavior. It’s just so funny to me. Especially, grown ups acting like weird, inconsolable babies over really stupid things, to me, is really funny.
As for our majority… one is enough.
The men I idolized built their bodies and became somebody – like Sylvester Stallone and Arnold Schwarzenegger – and I thought, ‘That can be me.’ So I started working out. The funny thing is I didn’t realize back then that I was having a defining moment.
Working with Julie Andrews is like getting hit over the head with a valentine.
I guess funny people are attracted to funny people, and then you get comedy marriages.
People don’t expect me to be as funny as I am.
There’s a darkness under ‘The Hangover’ because ultimately there’s a missing person and it’s not really that funny. There’s a sort of darkness under it that I love, and still people are laughing as hard if not harder than they did in ‘Old School.’
Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.
I enjoy doing comedy that is why I pursue it. I believe that life is hard enough already and full of drama so I find things that are funny to use as material.
David Lynch and I almost made a movie together in the late ’80s. We had lots of dinners and lunches. He’s a very cool, hip guy. This film, let’s face it, is like an homage to him, I would imagine he’d find it funny.
Include me out.
Experience is what you have after you’ve forgotten her name.
Some guys may play around and say a couple of things, but if I say it, I mean it. I may laugh, it may be funny, but if I say I’m going to get you, I’m going to get you.
It’s a required part of your film history to know who Woody is. His movies are so wonderful, and not just funny but so insightful about human behavior.
God hadn’t made me handsome, but he’d given me something, I always felt: funny bones.
I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade… And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party.
The funny thing about insane people is that it is kind of the opposite of being a celebrity. Nobody envies you.
It’s hard to be funny when you have to be clean.
It’s funny, as you live through something you’re not aware of it.
I’m blonde and tanned and normal-sized! I’m sweet, shy, funny, have a big heart and I’m nice – and I like to eat.
‘Red Band Society’ is inspiring, funny, and an uplifting story that makes you want to make the most of your life, love and live to the fullest, and that’s a great message.
The drawings in ‘Portal’ were actually me scribbling that stuff… I had a funny moment when I realized that someone gotten ‘The cake is a lie’ tattooed on themselves. It was really interesting to see my handwriting tattooed on another human being. That… that’s odd.
Funny is a good foil. Humor is illuminating, and it also gives you power.
Miami Beach is where neon goes to die.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a career.
Comedy is simply a funny way of being serious.
I always tell people that to be the funny person in a Steve Martin movie is like getting a call that Keith Moon wants you to play drums on his record. He should be playing drums on his record.
You shouldn’t get too close to the truth, because then maybe you stop being funny.
For me, I can’t watch violence when it’s too grotesque, and it’s just like, that’s revolting to watch. I don’t enjoy it. But when it’s a Tarantino film, I’m lining up outside the door to see it, and I’m expecting to see something really crazy, a lot of blood, and for it to be funny.
I have a new philosophy. I’m only going to dread one day at a time.
Lead us not into temptation. Just tell us where it is; we’ll find it.
Life has a funny way of becoming ordinary as soon as it can.
Boston is actually the capital of the world. You didn’t know that? We breed smart-ass, quippy, funny people. Not that I’m one of them. I just sorta sneaked in under the radar.
I quit therapy because my analyst was trying to help me behind my back.
I’m the kind of person, if I see something, like a funny video, I want to share it. With Twitter and Tumblr you can do that on a mass scale, and people get to know your personality.
I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a career.
I get asked, ‘Who would you really like to work with?’ I’m already working with them. Smart, talented, funny people, good musicians, an extended family, good friends.
Chaos in the midst of chaos isn’t funny, but chaos in the midst of order is.
You’re only as good as your last haircut.
I have a very low level of recognition, which is fine by me.
In person, RuPaul is warm, funny, personable – someone who thoroughly enjoys life.
I guess what I always found funny was the human condition.
Hurried and worried until we’re buried, and there’s no curtain call, Lifes a very funny proposition after all.
I didn’t plan to be the rude middle-class comedian. You write a certain type of joke that you find funny, and mine happen to be often rude. Yes, it’s juvenile, but that’s me.
I have never been hurt by what I have not said.
The whole character of Super Dave is a takeoff on people who pontificate. So one thing I never want to do is pontificate why this works, why this is funny. I have no idea what the appeal is. All we are trying to do is make people have a good time and laugh.
He looks as though he’s been weaned on a pickle.
It is funny to me that because I can run, because I’m athletic, people tend to see that as my only asset.
I wish I had the nerve not to tip.
Conversation would be vastly improved by the constant use of four simple words: I do not know.
I never thought of myself as like, a funny person.
I hate to say it but I hate black humor. I feel like a Klan member saying it, but it’s just not funny.
My dad is a really funny guy, and we would make jokes about my leukemia. When my friends would come over, we would joke about it, too.
For 35 years, I was a writer. I wrote a lot of jokes. Some of them weren’t funny. Some of them weren’t appropriate. Some of them were downright offensive. I understand that.
If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?
A man’s got to take a lot of punishment to write a really funny book.
You can always tell when a man’s well informed. His views are pretty much like your own.
I cannot sing, dance or act; what else would I be but a talk show host.
There’s something very authentic about humor, when you think about it. Anybody can pretend to be serious. But you can’t pretend to be funny.
Older people shouldn’t eat health food, they need all the preservatives they can get.
Comedians don’t laugh. They’re too busy analyzing why it’s funny or not.
It’s so funny, this thing of ‘overnight success.’ I’ve been doing this for 20 years, but yes, sure, it happened overnight!
The token gay character is always so funny and so fantastic. That’s happened a lot. Or they’re often purely victims.
You can’t fake comedy. You can’t make it look beautiful or put an interesting bit of music on in the background: funny can only be funny if you’re funny.
If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.
I don’t believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.
Not all detectives are the same – some play bad cop, some are awkward, some are funny.
Life goes by fast. Enjoy it. Calm down. It’s all funny. Next. Everyone gets so upset about the wrong things.
George Carlin maintained that anything and everything is funny given the right context. This context also includes your own history with a given group. What I can get away with and where I can go is not a problem with my audience because they know me.
Getting fan mail from Brazil is kind of funny.
My goal is really to just make people laugh with integrity, like, with something that I still find funny.
Memories are like mulligatawny soup in a cheap restaurant. It is best not to stir them.
If two wrongs don’t make a right, try three.
People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.
You can lead a man to Congress, but you can’t make him think.
If you’re an aspiring show maker, and you have the means to sit around for a few months, you should be making funny cartoons and uploading them to the internet.
It’s funny how most people love the dead, once you’re dead, you’re made for life.
It’s funny the way most people love the dead. Once you are dead, you are made for life.
Me carrying a briefcase is like a hotdog wearing earrings.
Comedy is surprises, so if you’re intending to make somebody laugh and they don’t laugh, that’s funny.
Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else.
If you look at shows like ‘Def Comedy Jam’ in its heyday, there were so many really funny, talented black comics that never would have gotten on that show because they just weren’t doing comedy that fit that mold.
Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who would want to live in an institution?
I may be a living legend, but that sure don’t help when I’ve got to change a flat tire.
One of the things I like about acting is that, in a funny way, I come back to myself.
If you want to be thought a liar, always tell the truth.
It’s funny, because I don’t have a very addictive personality in any way except for things like stories or books or movies or TV. I just get, like, completely enamored and lost in that world, especially when one really hits the right way. Like, I just can’t do anything else.
I know my strong points: I work hard, I have talent, I’m funny, and I’m a good person.
The reason there are two senators for each state is so that one can be the designated driver.
Michael Bates was a very funny actor; he’d served in India, could speak Urdu, and had great comic timing.
I think it’s funny when people, they try to imitate the ‘Chandelier’ video. I think it’s hilarious.
Progress is man’s ability to complicate simplicity.
My mother and father were very strange people. They tried to be funny which is always very sad to me.
Everything seems fine until you’re about 40. Then something is definitely beginning to go wrong. And you look in the mirror with your old habit of thinking, ‘While I accept that everyone grows old and dies, it’s a funny thing, but I’m an exception to that rule.’
I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.
From there to here, and here to there, funny things are everywhere.
Forgiveness is a funny thing. It warms the heart and cools the sting.
Too much agreement kills a chat.
It’s a funny thing, life… as much as you don’t want the sun to come up, it comes up the next day. Life continues on and you have to make a choice in how you handle it.
People know me as just this handsome guy – a very handsome guy. But I can also be funny and fun.
I have a wonderful make-up crew. They’re the same people restoring the Statue of Liberty.
How long was I in the army? Five foot eleven.
Christopher Columbus, as everyone knows, is honored by posterity because he was the last to discover America.
My mother was against me being an actress – until I introduced her to Frank Sinatra.
Playing video games, as funny as it might sound, it’s a very important part of our day. Our schedule is so hectic, chaotic, demanding that we need an outlet. We need ways to express ourselves and let our energy out.
I love nerds. Comic-Con junkies are the tastemakers of tomorrow. Isn’t that funny? The tables have turned.
We adore babies because they’re so cute. And, of course, we are amused by jokes because they are funny. This is all backwards. It is. And Darwin shows us why.
Television has brought back murder into the home – where it belongs.
When someone calls me up and wants me to do something, of course I am open to it. But I am not going to do it if there isn’t anything interesting or funny about it.
Well, I mean, if a joke or humor is bawdy, it’s got to be funny enough to warrant it. You can’t just have it bawdy or dirty just for the sake of being that – it’s got to be funny.
I think nudity is funny, especially when it’s inappropriate.
Macho does not prove mucho.
We owe to the Middle Ages the two worst inventions of humanity – romantic love and gunpowder.
I realized I was gay in the shower one day with Barbra Streisand. It happened while I was lathering, rinsing, and repeating with Pert Plus. As I was belting out the chorus to my favorite song from ‘Funny Girl,’ ‘Oh my man, I love him so, he’ll never know…’ it hit me.
I’m not funny. What I am is brave.
Certainly there are things in life that money can’t buy, but it’s very funny – Did you ever try buying them without money?
It’s a funny thing. You sort of never figure it out with acting. You’re always learning.
When I was a kid, I never did funny things to get attention. I was never a funny person. I was never, like, ‘Oh, wow. I could say this some day on stage.’
All generalizations are false, including this one.
Let’s have some new cliches.
You initially become funny as a kid because you’re looking for attention and love. Psychologists think that’s all to do with mother abandonment. I think John Cleese has his depressions, and Terry Gilliam’s the same. All of us together make one completely insane person.
I detest jokes – when somebody tells me one, I feel my IQ dropping; the brain cells start to disappear. But something is funny when the person delivering the line doesn’t know it’s funny or doesn’t treat it as a joke. Maybe it comes from a place of truth, or it’s a sort of rage against society.
Coach Blatt is very, very knowledgeable about the game. And it just goes to show you that no matter where you’re at, he knows as much about basketball as anyone. You learn a lot from him. And he’s a very charming guy, very personable. He’s pretty funny, too.
Being a funny person does an awful lot of things to you. You feel that you mustn’t get serious with people. They don’t expect it from you, and they don’t want to see it. You’re not entitled to be serious, you’re a clown.
Have enough sense to know, ahead of time, when your skills will not extend to wallpapering.
It takes considerable knowledge just to realize the extent of your own ignorance.
If I had to live my life again, I’d make the same mistakes, only sooner.
There is something about sex that always brings out the funny in me. I think it’s because we make such fools of ourselves over it.
The funny response to ‘One Mississippi’ continues to be that people don’t know what is true and what’s fiction.
I never thought of myself as like, a funny person.
What I am looking for is a blessing not in disguise.
I feel like somebody who just is very understanding is my biggest thing – timing is a major issue for me – but also funny! Obviously I want someone really cute and fun and fresh for good Instagram pictures and that just makes me really happy.
It is easy for me to love myself, but for ladies to do it is another question altogether.
I’m going to take this God-given gift of being funny, and I’m going to spread it out like peanut butter on everything I do.
A committee is a group that keeps minutes and loses hours.
I never thought I was funny, but I enjoy being funny.
Macho does not prove mucho.
I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.
If you take a bunch of superstars and put them in a room where they don’t have their assistants and entourage, it’s funny to see what happens.
Originality is the fine art of remembering what you hear but forgetting where you heard it.
It’s simple, if it jiggles, it’s fat.
If a cluttered desk is the sign of a cluttered mind, what is the significance of a clean desk?
I consider that a man’s brain originally is like a little empty attic, and you have to stock it with such furniture as you choose.
What’s funny is I probably still have some calligraphy business cards floating out in the world, and I can’t wait for someone to call me in a month or something, and say, ‘Can you do these for my son’s Bar Mitzvah?’
I was the class podiatrist. I never made it to class clown. I wasn’t funny enough. I would examine feet and prescribe and ointment. It was a sad childhood.
Getting fan mail from Brazil is kind of funny.
A transposable aphorism is a malaise of the urge to be witty, or in other words, a maxim that is untroubled by the fact that the opposite of what it says is equally true so long as it appears to be funny.
I don’t think anyone should write their autobiography until after they’re dead.
It’s funny how life works. You end up sometimes back where you started.
I don’t say things to be offensive; I say things because they’re funny to me. It amuses me.
I was sleeping the other night, alone, thanks to the exterminator.
I basically started performing for my mother, going, ‘Love me!’ What drives you to perform is the need for that primal connection. When I was little, my mother was funny with me, and I started to be charming and funny for her, and I learned that by being entertaining, you make a connection with another person.
If I studied all my life, I couldn’t think up half the number of funny things passed in one session of congress.
The things that make me laugh are considered smart or whatever, I guess. But stuff that’s self-consciously intelligent or self-consciously hip or cool, that doesn’t do it for me either. You just try to be funny.
If I knew for a certainty that a man was coming to my house with the conscious design of doing me good, I should run for my life.
I’m sorry, if you were right, I’d agree with you.
A woman’s mind is cleaner than a man’s: She changes it more often.
I love sprinting, but I hate long-distance running. Isn’t that funny?
O Lord, help me to be pure, but not yet.
I’ve dated some women who have turned me on to some funny things that are strange for men to actually do, but these things have become part of my process. I think the things I do for my appearance help make me look better. I even colour my hair because I like how it makes me look.
The reports of my death have been greatly exaggerated.
‘Come out’ is so funny to me because I’ve never been in.
It’s a real primal thing, watching someone get hurt. It’s funny and accessible.
I don’t believe in angels, no. But I do have a wee parking angel. It’s on my dashboard and you wind it up. The wings flap and it’s supposed to give you a parking space. It’s worked so far.
I was asked to act when I couldn’t act. I was asked to sing ‘Funny Face’ when I couldn’t sing, and dance with Fred Astaire when I couldn’t dance – and do all kinds of things I wasn’t prepared for. Then I tried like mad to cope with it.
I grew up between Detroit and Ghana, and I had to make friends in an instant. It sharpened my wit, and also, just for my own sanity’s sake, I felt like I wanted to entertain myself. So I’m going through all these experiences, and I ask myself, ‘Is this crazy? Is it? Wait, what’s so funny about this?’
If you live to be one hundred, you’ve got it made. Very few people die past that age.
All I care about is making jokes that are funny and making people laugh.
Electricity is really just organized lightning.
My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.
Yield to temptation. It may not pass your way again.
I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house.
The funny thing about the people I don’t like – they’re very self-centered.
It’s funny, there’s all these slogans like ‘you’re never too old to keep dreaming.’ You know it’s funny how in the basketball world, and in the business world where you’re just supposed to stop. In the sports world, I feel like at 35 you’re just supposed to stop. If you do, that’s great.
Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before.
But I think you can make fun of anything as long as it’s funny enough.
Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.
When I was a kid, I used to be like a professional juggler in training. That’s funny, right?
In comic strips, the person on the left always speaks first.
Playing video games, as funny as it might sound, it’s a very important part of our day. Our schedule is so hectic, chaotic, demanding that we need an outlet. We need ways to express ourselves and let our energy out.
Seeing the funny side of life is useful, and I’ve always had a sense of humour.
Why do I want to annoy people? Because annoying people is funny.
There are some extremely acceptable male comedians out there: Joel Osteen, Abraham Lincoln, the man who played Phil Spector in HBO’s ‘Phil Spector.’ But even those guys, while insightful and amusing, aren’t exactly funny.
In person, RuPaul is warm, funny, personable – someone who thoroughly enjoys life.
Prejudice is a great time saver. You can form opinions without having to get the facts.
I don’t believe that anybody has come to a conclusion on why something is funny. It’s funny because it’s ridiculous and it’s ridiculous for different reasons at different times.
How could anyone like me for my true self? Being gay, disabled, loud and funny was too much in one 5ft person.
That’s the funny thing about time. It is only in looking back that it’s easy to connect the dots. To see exactly why everything needed to happen the way that it did.
I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
I may be drunk, Miss, but in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly.
If at first you don’t succeed, blame your parents.
Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive.
I can’t be funny if my feet don’t feel right.
I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.
Life is hard. After all, it kills you.
Something that I’ve always been really keen on representing is some honesty with the way that we view ourselves. That’s something I’ve always appreciated watching actors that I’ve looked up to, is when they look like you and me, or they have a funny elbow, or they have, you know, a hairy face.
Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please.
One of the funny things about the stock market is that every time one person buys, another sells, and both think they are astute.
Flea markets are fun because they are the ultimate treasure hunt. Be open to the fact that you never know what you’ll find. The most beautiful, quirky, funny, scary pieces may not have an intrinsic value.
The first day one is a guest, the second a burden, and the third a pest.
If I had to live my life over, I’d live over a saloon.
When I started out, everyone seemed to be adopting these names… Johnny Rotten, Sid Vicious. I wasn’t really Rotten or Vicious or Nasty, so I wanted something a bit more funny – yet something that seemed real rock ‘n’ roll… something that acknowledged my ambition.
A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, ‘At my age, I don’t even buy green bananas.’
I think it’s a comedian’s job to make everything funny. Nothing is off-limits.
Funny is funny, and it can come in 8 billion different shades and flavors, so I think it’s silly to kind of limit it.
I don’t think I’m funny.
I own and operate a ferocious ego.
My girlfriend doesn’t think I’m funny at all.
Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.
Letterman is very intimidating because he’s so funny, so you have to be really prepared. Also, he’s a little squeamish about certain things, so you have to always be on guard to please him.
I’m a funny guy. I want people to laugh. I laugh at myself, I make fun of myself. But at the end of the day everything that I say has a message in it.
It all started when my dog began getting free roll over minutes.
To be or not to be. That’s not really a question.
Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8? That joke came off the top of my head, and the top of my head ain’t funny!
I think, on the rap side of life, I’ve always been inspired by and respected Missy Elliott for a long time. She’s funny and created an image for herself that was non-sexualized but was really interesting and really cool and really kind of avant-garde in a lot of ways.
I can’t prevent myself of being funny.
The first thing that I learned – and I understood it at a really young age – was that I could get a laugh. Really early. Because my mother and father are funny.
Don’t forget Mother’s Day. Or as they call it in Beverly Hills, Dad’s Third Wife Day.
I grew up in Europe, where the history comes from.
There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.
It’s funny how the music industry is enraged about the Internet and the way things are copied without being paid for. But you know why people steal the music? Because they can’t afford the music.
If love is the answer, could you please rephrase the question?
What’s another word for Thesaurus?
People are funny, and in the most tragic situations, when comedy erupts from nowhere, it can turn on its head within the space of a second or a minute. You’re laughing one minute and you’re crying the next and that’s just life for me, and that is what people are like.
I’m, like, super-clumsy and weird and funny and dorky.
One funny thing is, though, I wear my watch on my right hand and I’m actually right-handed. People always wonder why – I don’t know myself, I’ve just always done it that way and I like it the way a good watch fits on my right wrist.
The best measure of a man’s honesty isn’t his income tax return. It’s the zero adjust on his bathroom scale.
One time I went into a restroom and a girl followed me in. I signed an autograph for her in the sink. It was pretty funny because she was in a guy’s restroom and she wasn’t embarrassed at all.
To label me an intellectual is a misunderstanding of what that is.
All my children inherited perfect pitch.
I think there’s something funny about people who laugh in the face of convention or surprise us morally.
They’re just jokes, people. They can’t all be funny.
There are lots of people who mistake their imagination for their memory.
I did not have three thousand pairs of shoes, I had one thousand and sixty.
So, where’s the Cannes Film Festival being held this year?
I’d rather not have a moment when I’m known for my looks; being funny and interesting lasts longer.
I don’t know who the hell Paul Lynde is, or why he’s funny, and I prefer it to be a mystery to me.
I’m just not one of those naturally funny, relaxed actors who enjoy the spotlight and are so good at it.
I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I’m upside down.
Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
Once you get past funny, my other qualities are so below average. It’s not like I’m handy.
If at first you don’t succeed… so much for skydiving.
If this is coffee, please bring me some tea; but if this is tea, please bring me some coffee.
I’m writing a book. I’ve got the page numbers done.
I make a point to tweet out really funny comments I get on YouTube videos. I have the most ridiculous ones.
People think it’s funny that I enjoy dreaming so much. I just use it as a form of entertainment. It’s very private. I don’t see my dreams as separate. I mean, half the time I’m wandering around dreaming anyway.
From the first time I saw Sid Caesar be funny I knew that’s what I had to do.
Instant gratification takes too long.
People say that life is the thing, but I prefer reading.
It’s a real primal thing, watching someone get hurt. It’s funny and accessible.
To me, what separates a funny movie from a good movie is something personal.
Laugh and the world laughs with you, snore and you sleep alone.
I’ve never met a funny person who wasn’t smart. I’ve met a lot of dramatic people who were stupid. But I’ve never met a funny person who wasn’t smart.
Smoking kills. If you’re killed, you’ve lost a very important part of your life.
I think serial monogamy says it all.
I was just a goofy little funny kid, who was always getting sent to the principal. It wasn’t serious because I was smart. I wasn’t like a true troublemaker, just rambunctious – like, talkative and trying to be funny. That was me in middle-school.
When you see things upside down, the ego can be extraordinarily funny; it’s absurd. But it’s tragic at the same time.
I like marriage. The idea.
When we ask for advice, we are usually looking for an accomplice.
I know there’s a CSI game. I’ve never seen it, though, so I’m not really sure. I hope it’s interesting. I hope that they’ve done a good job making it, but because I’ve never seen it, the jury is still out on whether it’s interesting or not. But it is funny to imagine that it’s been turned into a game.
Comedy is so subjective. You could be in a room with 400 people laughing at a joke and you could just not think it’s funny. You’re just sitting there like, ‘Am I in the twilight zone? Why is everyone laughing?’ It’s such a personal thing. People have such a personal visceral response to comedy.
Every man has his follies – and often they are the most interesting thing he has got.
The last time I saw him he was walking down lover’s lane holding his own hand.
People ask ‘do you make a conscious effort not to swear?’ – if you’re doing silly stuff you’re not tempted to put swearing in. All the comics from my childhood, who were funny without swearing, were the people that influenced me. What I do is quite traditional anyway.
My father would take me to the playground, and put me on mood swings.
I’ve seen many female comics that a lot of people haven’t heard of who are so funny, and I saw them come up, and they were working so hard, and then all of a sudden they had a baby, and they just got tied up in motherhood, and eventually, they kind of just stopped doing stand-up, and I thought it was such a shame.
Forty for you, sixty for me. And equal partners we will be.
I don’t think I’m that funny.
When people are committed to things, and the world view they have is no longer in alignment with our world view, then it becomes funny.
No man has a good enough memory to be a successful liar.
Everyone has at least one story, and each of us is funny if we admit it. You have to admit you’re the funniest person you’ve ever heard of.
Reality continues to ruin my life.
I guess the producers saw me and knew I was literate and I always tried to be alert and it’s funny because you have to have a sharpness to do those shows, especially some of the ones I did in later years.
All my children inherited perfect pitch.
I have an unfortunate personality.
I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.
One advantage of talking to yourself is that you know at least somebody’s listening.
I have been working as an actor for 16-17 years now. The funny thing is I still feel awkward in communicating with the public as a star. It hasn’t been long since my drama ‘Goblin’ ended, and I’m looking forward for some time to rest.
What is funny is when you do a futuristic movie, you immediately get to be fashionable because you’re creating something that doesn’t exist.
The letters I really love are from young actresses who were worried they had to fit a certain look. They say I’ve opened it up. And I don’t just mean plus-size girls. You can push things now. With all the great performances in ‘Bridesmaids’, it changed how people see funny women.
Pete Davidson – he’s in the movie ‘Trainwreck.’ He has a small part in it. I told Lorne Michaels about him, said he was really funny.
It’s so funny, I’ve done so many projects where I’ve been interrogated. I guest starred on almost every hour drama, and I’m always the guy they think is the bad guy but then they find out is not.
I definitely started to perform a little bit in middle school, but not the typical musical/play route. I think that I am funny, but it was more of a social thing, where that was my part in my circle of friends.
I had paralyzing fear as a kid. I couldn’t watch horror movies, nothing. The funny thing is I got so sick of being afraid that I started doing it deliberately and instead of being afraid in my bed I would sit up on my bed and say, ‘ok, come on, show yourself, do it.’
Everything is funny, as long as it’s happening to somebody else.
The chief function of the body is to carry the brain around.
Censorship no longer works by hiding information from you; censorship works by flooding you with immense amounts of misinformation, of irrelevant information, of funny cat videos, until you’re just unable to focus.
All I know how to do is take what’s on my mind and spit it out funny. I don’t know what else I could do besides comedy.
I used to jog but the ice cubes kept falling out of my glass.
I’ve grown up around some incredibly funny people, which has been a blessing and curse because now I’ve been completely spoiled in terms of what I find funny.
When you’re small, you either are funny, or you get beat up a lot.
Progress was all right. Only it went on too long.
There have been times when I felt suicidal and I would stop my head from going in that direction of negativity because I thought there’d be something I’d miss that was funny in the future. If there’s a chance I’m going to laugh tomorrow then want to live to experience that.
I never smoked. I never drank and I never took drugs. The funny thing is, nothing is more boring, people like this. For me, it’s OK. But most of my friends, at least they smoke and drink.
Do not let a flattering woman coax and wheedle you and deceive you; she is after your barn.
Sometimes I’m really funny, sometimes I’m quiet, sometimes I’m shy, but I’m constantly changing.
I want someone that’s caring, funny, who’s similar to me – who doesn’t take life too seriously – keeps their private life private and is mature!
Our national flower is the concrete cloverleaf.
As a comedian, it really gelled when I started doing standup. Because standup is so much about bravery, especially in the early days. There is no doubt that it is going to go terribly for you over and over and over again. But you cannot get funny without bombing.
There are so many funny women in the world, and there has been for so many years, so I’ll be happy when people can just move on from that, and things can just be ‘comedies’ and not ‘female’ or ‘male,’ and everyone gets an equal opportunity.
Sex is funny and love is serious.
May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.
Any girl can be glamorous. All you have to do is stand still and look stupid.
He looked about as inconspicuous as a tarantula on a slice of angel food.
A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.
Apparently, my father was funny. I didn’t really know him, but people have theories that the gag-smith gene trickles down through the blood amongst other terrible traits like a big nose and a temper.
There are a lot of funny things that happen in one’s life.
If you’re going to tell people the truth, be funny or they’ll kill you.
One man is as good as another until he has written a book.
Weather forecast for tonight: dark.
We owe a lot to Thomas Edison – if it wasn’t for him, we’d be watching television by candlelight.
It’s a weird thing. Rick Springfield wrote ‘Jessie’s Girl,’ and he probably gets sick of talking about ‘Jessie’s Girl.’ The thing is, I didn’t write ‘Blurred Lines.’ I didn’t direct the music video. I’m really happy for the success, but it is kind of a funny thing to follow me around.
But I think you can make fun of anything as long as it’s funny enough.
I love airports because funny things always happen at them. They’re giant complexes full of urgency, seriousness, and confusion. Where am I supposed to be? Which way do I go? And that’s just the staff.
What contemptible scoundrel has stolen the cork to my lunch?
My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She’s ninety-seven now, and we don’t know where the hell she is.
Don’t send funny greeting cards on birthdays or at Christmas. Save them for funerals, when their cheery effect is needed.
Why don’t you get out of that wet coat and into a dry martini?
I wasn’t even 20 at the time, but it taught me something about drugs. They can take a good man, a warm, funny, loving family man, and turn him into a loser and worse.
I think being funny is not anyone’s first choice.
My parents are both very funny but they’re also relatively soft-spoken, normal human beings while I’m just a lunatic. I don’t know where this loud, ballsy, hammy ridiculousness came from. I’m just glad I followed my goals and my parents did too. It’s not like we even had a plan when I dragged my mom to Los Angeles.
You’re unlikely to discover something new without a lot of practice on old stuff, but further, you should get a heck of a lot of fun out of working out funny relations and interesting things.
When I’m being funny, I try not to offend. I don’t think much of what I’ve done has been in really ghastly taste. I don’t think I have embarrassed many people or distressed them.
I think they should have a Barbie with a buzz cut.
Drawing on my fine command of the English language, I said nothing.
If my life wasn’t funny, it would just be true, and that’s unacceptable.
Never have more children than you have car windows.
My favorite type of pet has always been a dog. They’re loyal, kind, and offer endless affection. My friend Eric says, ‘The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.’ Funny thought.
I was the kind nobody thought could make it. I had a funny Boston accent. I couldn’t pronounce my R’s. I wasn’t a beauty.
Be obscure clearly.
My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.
Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen.
I realized I was gay in the shower one day with Barbra Streisand. It happened while I was lathering, rinsing, and repeating with Pert Plus. As I was belting out the chorus to my favorite song from ‘Funny Girl,’ ‘Oh my man, I love him so, he’ll never know…’ it hit me.
Show me one guy or woman as funny as Rodney Dangerfield or as good as George Carlin, Richard Pryor, Bill Cosby, or Joan Rivers. There are a lot of good comics out there, no doubt, but as far as the quality of the comics goes, I think what you have is a bunch of situational comics.
A sure cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree.
I distrust camels, and anyone else who can go a week without a drink.
It’s funny. All you have to do is say something nobody understands and they’ll do practically anything you want them to.
I know that I’m going to die and that you’re going to die. I can’t do anything about that. But I can explore it through a metaphor and make a kind of funny, dark story about it, and in doing so, really exhaust and research as many aspects of it as I can imagine. And in a way, that does give me some closure.
I buy expensive suits. They just look cheap on me.
I’m funny. I’m a comedian. I’m not a clown.
I have Slavic fat pads that make me look like a chipmunk and arched predatory eyebrows. With that, you’re not going to get funny. That’s why I play so many bad guys.
I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn’t it.
It’s funny how people who ain’t never been down there can think that America is so fair and that we should be alright. It’s funny that the people who have their foot on our neck are telling us, ‘Get up. What’s wrong with you?’
If you have a secret, people will sit a little bit closer.
The funny thing is musicians often love to go to see visual art because you’ve got all these pictures to turn into metaphors.
Flattery is like cologne water, to be smelt, not swallowed.
It was a JOB; the video show was a JOB; you don’t tell the Aristocrats joke at 8 o’clock at night on network tv, it would be funny though. But those guys know I like dirty stuff, I like clean stuff too.
TV is chewing gum for the eyes.
It was a scandal when I did French ‘Playboy’ in 2008, though I was never actually nude in it. I think it’s really funny that I’ll have a cover of ‘Playboy’ to show my grandkids.
Very often, I don’t make it through moments of recording because it is genuinely funny and absolutely ridiculous that a 60-year-old grown man is making these noises.
The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.
Why don’t you get a haircut? You look like a chrysanthemum.
Be stupid, be dumb, be funny, if that’s who you are. Don’t try to be someone that society wants you to be; that’s stupid. So be yourself.
If you haven’t got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.
Everybody talks about the weather, but nobody does anything about it.
Given a little time for the pain to subside, dreadful experiences often can be the basis of funny jokes or stories.
In my circle of friends, I’ve always been loud and funny and talkative. But as soon as I step out of that circle, I get very quiet and introspective. I don’t want the spotlight on me.
I am blessed with a funny gene that makes me enjoy life.
There are many Bollywood actresses who work in the South and speak Tamil or Malayalam, and though it is correct, we find it funny sometimes.
I spent a year in that town, one Sunday.
Some people say funny things, but I say things funny.
Money won’t buy happiness, but it will pay the salaries of a large research staff to study the problem.
You know, it wasn’t even that I’m a funny guy, I just loved stand-up comedy and I wanted to do it. It was one of the few things in my life that I knew I was going to be able to do, and I also felt as though I’d be able to do it the way I wanted to do it.
My mum passing away wasn’t funny, but that funeral and what I went through, the things that happened, looking back at it, there were funny moments. You have to be strong enough to look back at it, to sit and assess the situation.
The easiest time to be funny is during a fairly serious situation. That way, you can break the ice. It’s crazy, but even at funerals, people will get huge laughs.
Isn’t it funny how babies laugh a lot? I read a toddler, a young child laughs 300 times a day. The average adult laughs, like, four times a day. God put it in them. He put the laugh in us, but I think sometimes we let life get us down, you know, have bad breaks, and we lose our breaks.
If you’re naturally kind, you attract a lot of people you don’t like.
And as – funny enough, it actually became – so I’ve always wanted to be a Guinness world record holder. And believe it or not, before I made this there was not a category for world’s largest Nerf gun, but there is now.
Most of my show is true; like, 90% of everything I say on stage is true. I just have to find the way to make it funny – that’s the difficult thing.
I’m spending a year dead for tax reasons.
Writing for ‘Rooster’ was a strange experience. It’s funny, once you tap into a voice, words just start to flow. You know when you’ve hit a spirit or captured something.
I’m sure all actors have trouble. The guy who always plays the funny guy, he wants to be taken seriously. And there’s the action guy who wants to do serious stuff. Everyone’s grass is greener.
It may sound funny, but I love the South. I don’t choose to live anywhere else. There’s land here, where a man can raise cattle, and I’m going to do it some day.
No, no, I was only funny on stage, really. I, I, think I was funny as a person toward my classmates when I was very young. You know, when I was a child, up to about the age of 12.
I don’t just try to be funny.
Funny is a good foil. Humor is illuminating, and it also gives you power.
My big brother Ryan was funny and unfailingly kind. He was one of the most talented musicians you might encounte, and had a prodigious ability to pick up any instrument and play it by ear within the span of a single day.
We know that the nature of genius is to provide idiots with ideas twenty years later.
If I find something funny and make an older woman laugh, I love that for some reason.
Who knew Rob Lowe was funny? On ‘Parks and Rec,’ we’ve got some of the funniest comedy writers, some of the funniest comedians in the world working there. And if anything, we don’t just effuse to one another and be like, ‘Oh, Rob Lowe’s really funny,’ if he wasn’t.
Why do you have to be a nonconformist like everybody else?
I am certain there is too much certainty in the world.
The last time I saw him he was walking down lover’s lane holding his own hand.
This will sound funny coming out of my mouth, but I like to play characters that have an intelligence. It doesn’t matter if it’s a physical intelligence or emotional intelligence.
A sponge is a funny animal to center a show on. At first, I drew a few natural sponges – amorphous shapes, blobs – which was the correct thing to do biologically as a marine science teacher. Then I drew a square sponge, and it looked so funny.
Do not worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older it will avoid you.
Trust is hard to come by. That’s why my circle is small and tight. I’m kind of funny about making new friends.
When I’m on stage, it’s really intense. My mind is going a million miles an hour, trying to remember my act, trying to say it all the right way. It’s funny how different it looks and how it’s happening. There are three Fellini circuses in my head, and outwardly it looks like I’m going to get a bagel.
I have no agenda except to be funny. Neither I or the writers profess to offer any worldly wisdom.
You can’t make everybody laugh. You gotta just do what you think is funny. Just be obstreperous to everybody.
Men are liars. We’ll lie about lying if we have to. I’m an algebra liar. I figure two good lies make a positive.
Someone told me that when they go to Vermont, they feel like they’re home. I’m that way at Saks.
I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known.
It’s funny. People often compare me to other humor essayists. They’re usually quite nice comparisons; I will accept those gladly. But I am always sort of appalled at the idea of being lumped with other, more chick-y female writers. And the truth is probably that neither comparison is accurate.
They say marriages are made in Heaven. But so is thunder and lightning.
Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die.
You win a race, the next race it’s a question mark. Are you still the best or not? That’s what is funny. But that’s what is interesting. And that’s what is challenging. You have to prove yourself every time.
I find it so funny that people find me so interesting.
Books are funny little portable pieces of thought.
I’ve dated some women who have turned me on to some funny things that are strange for men to actually do, but these things have become part of my process. I think the things I do for my appearance help make me look better. I even colour my hair because I like how it makes me look.
It’s funny because if you ever ask anyone in England to try and do a Beatles accent, no one knows what they really sound like. If you ask anyone in America, they would try and give it a go. English people just know their songs.
As for me, it is interesting to play a role that is not human; it is nice to be all powerful without fancy action scenes. But, it is not funny to play God, even on film. You don’t speak much and just smile beatifically.
George Carlin maintained that anything and everything is funny given the right context. This context also includes your own history with a given group. What I can get away with and where I can go is not a problem with my audience because they know me.
I think serial monogamy says it all.
I think anyone who’s perfectly happy isn’t particularly funny.
They say Yogi Berra is funny. Well, he has a lovely wife and family, a beautiful home, money in the bank, and he plays golf with millionaires. What’s funny about that?
