Words matter. These are the best Michael Ian Black Quotes, and they’re great for sharing with your friends.
Best strategy for a first date is to ask her questions. Just keeping asking her questions about herself. Her life, her job, her friends, her taste in movies and music and everything. People mostly just want to talk about themselves, so let her do that.
Everybody has something they love to do. Do that thing.
I definitely script things out. I definitely write things down and try to write jokes. Often, they’re terrible. I often write terrible, terrible jokes.
Lordy, lordy, lordy do I love money. It is a character flaw, no doubt, one that springs from a panicked childhood in which I always felt as if our family was only a couple missed child support payments from being tossed onto the pitiless streets of our suburban New Jersey town.
I feel like my career has been a series of glowing obituaries.
I take it for what it is, and sometimes the criticism is actually useful and constructive and actually informs what I do, but most of the time, it’s sort of mindless, or they’re receiving something on a different frequency than I was sending it.
The thing that I think is the most important is taking moments to express your appreciation to your partner. A thank you or a quick kiss can go a long way toward affirming your relationship and commitment to each other. That’s not hard to do even when you’re juggling insane careers and three kids.
There’s this misconception that comedy and music go together. They don’t. Comedians can’t compete with rock stars; they’re just not on the same level. Rock stars will always be cooler. They will always get more girls.
My absolute favorite growing up was ‘Super Friends.’ The assemblage of so many mighty heroes in one place was, to me, mind-blowing. It was Superman, Batman, Wonder Woman, the Flash, Aquaman, and then sometimes Hawkman and some other, lesser heroes.
I honestly believe you can never tell if a relationship is going to last. In my own marriage, which is going on 14 years, I don’t think of it as ‘I’m going to be with this person forever.’ Instead, I think of more like, ‘I’ll probably be with this person for the next six weeks. Then I’ll re-evaluate.’
My tastes in all things lean towards the arty and boring. I like sports documentaries about Scrabble players, bands that play quiet, unassuming music, and TV shows that win awards. In that way, I am an elitist snob.
Wish I could, through my own financial prestidigitation, transform a dollar bill into two, or two million. It is an awesome and mysterious skill.
I don’t think I was awake for much of my childhood. I did a lot of napping. This might have been a defensive measure against encroaching depression. Until about the age of eleven or twelve, I had zero interests other than trying to steal gumballs from supermarket gumball machines.
Whenever anyone asks me if I’m from a TV show, I say yes – no matter whether I’ve ever been on it. It just makes the conversation that much easier.
Let me tell you, the life of a C list celebrity is pretty sweet. If I want to go to an Applebee’s, all I have to do is, literally, walk in the door. They seat me as soon as the other people ahead of me are seated.
Corporations do a lot of things well, but not run nations, for obvious reasons.
Separation is the worst. There’s no good way to deal with it, other than to get on the phone and do Skype and try to visit.
Well, I think my stand-up is often kind of visual. Not like Carrot Top visual, but visual.
Nothing is more satisfying to me than sitting in a dank room, hunched over a single flickering candle like Ebenezer Scrooge, and watching my ledgers fill themselves with ink.
