Top 30 Julie Klausner Quotes

I really love ‘Real Housewives.’ It’s like the, you know, comedy stuff that’s, like, intentionally funny. Like, I love ‘Nathan for You,’ that Comedy Central show. It’s just brilliant. My friend Bill Eichner has a show called ‘Billy on the Street’ that I write for, and even if I didn’t write for it, I’d still love it.

I’ve tried open-ended jobs and found myself incredibly unhappy. I don’t like the monomania of showing up every day and doing the same thing. I don’t know where my next cheque is coming from, I don’t know where my next job is coming from, I have really sketchy health insurance, but I need variety in my life.

Here is how you meet women: You tell the girls you are friends with – the ones in relationships – that you want a girlfriend. You shouldn’t even have to say ‘Set me up’ or ‘Introduce me!’ If they’re good girls, they’ll get the hint.

The modern model of misogyny has to do with marginalizing people who are sexual and thinking of them as dumb, or not serious, or not cool or tweedy enough to take seriously, for fear of seeming like one of the guys from ‘Jersey Shore.’ The sex is so much more present in sexism than, I think, ever before.

Cabaret is a great format. All you have to do is sing and be funny sporadically.

Podcasts themselves cannot exist without the Internet – in a way, they are a microcosm of the Internet.

The only thing that’s a challenge for me is not working. I get depressed when I’m not in motion.

What podcasts can do in order to liven up the talk show area of TV is bring new personalities and unique worldviews into the fray in a way that’s not going to be filtered through the whole Q-rating thing. I think there’s a whole new layer of doing things that TV is behind the Internet in figuring out.

I think when it comes to women who write or who fancy ourselves ‘hip downtown literati’, there is a certain contempt for being overly sexual or really looking for boyfriends. We tend to be marginalized as some ‘Sex & The City’ Carrie Bradshaw chick-lit dummies who just want shoes and a ring.

You have to tell guys to ask you on a date. Smile when you do it – however that works, I’m not ‘Cosmo.’ But yeah – not a lot of people know how to ‘court’ anymore, sorry.

I think feeling responsible for stuff that goes wrong is an inherent part of being female.

I would love to interview Michael McKean and his wife, who wrote the songs for ‘A Mighty Wind,’ which is my favorite Christopher Guest movie. I’m just a sucker for any funny guy that has a wife who is intelligent and that he collaborates with.

I think of basset hounds whenever I turn on my computer because I have photos of them. And if I’m lucky, and I see one on the street, I know it’s going to be a good day. They really are like a four-leaf clover.

Why can’t science work on making women more entitled in general? Or at least get us to listen to those L’Oreal ads that tell us how we’re worth it?

The kind of boy’s club I’m used to? It is definitely not a jock-y, frat-y kind of thing. They say, ‘I’m sensitive and nerdy,’ but actually, it’s like, ‘You’re a huge child and you’re terrified of women, but you don’t like sports, so you think that makes you less of a misogynist.’

The kind of true-life writing that is fun to read – that makes an ally of the reader – is the kind that you are so nervous about putting down on paper that you lock the Word file with a secret password and encrypt it – and all of it.

Oh, yeah, I did the online dating thing. I did Nerve, I did Match. On Nerve there was this one guy who, when I asked him what he did for a living, said he ‘used to be in a band.’ I was like, ‘That is not an occupation.’

In all seriousness, I don’t get people who need to make a proposal a bigger deal than marriage already is.

A relationship book I once read told women to use the word ‘fun’ whenever possible. The author claimed it had a subliminal aphrodisiac effect on men, who want a relaxed girl attached only to good times – the human equivalent of Diet Coke. This is not me.

I wish podcasting was my only job – I have more fun doing that than I have doing absolutely anything else. But my job is that I’m a writer.

If you are making money writing, you are doing great. If you can support yourself writing, you are a success. I don’t care if you’re writing textbooks or Pulitzer Prize-winning articles for weighty publications of world renown: If you’re writing and it’s paying the bills, consider yourself a successful writer.

I don’t make money doing my podcast. I’ve learned that people want to hire creative people who are already doing something when they approach them.

Babies, babies, babies! They’re everywhere, aren’t they? In our eyes, in our thoughts, in our arms, in our dreams. Sometimes, in our dreams, they are riding alpacas or juggling tacos – but that doesn’t mean those dreams are necessarily about babies. Look, I’m not Freud.

I’m at the point, frankly, where I’d rather deal with a misogynist with a copy of Tucker Max’s book in his backpack over someone in sensitive emo-boy clothing, because both are misogynists, only the one with the backpack is more honest about just how scared of women he is.

I have never been one for musicians. I know girls are supposed to go crazy for frontmen who close their eyes when they sing and nod their heads when the drums kick in, but I’m like Shania Twain with that stuff: That don’t impress me much. I’ll take wit and brains over the ability to carry a tune any day.

I think Joan Rivers is such an untapped legend that people just don’t appreciate, because they grew up with her on QVC, or they grew up with her on E!, or they grew up watching her do the things that in their minds the more prestigious comics wouldn’t have taken or done.

Frances McDormand is my favorite actor. I don’t know if that’s relevant. But she’s a person who plays people. In other words, not everything has to be an over-the-top Broadway musical to get my attention, but it certainly helps.

As far as my memory being reliable, at the risk of sounding like some sort of gorgeous two-headed monster with the voices of Dave Barry and Erma Bombeck, I do think that women, like elephants, remember everything and love peanuts.

I’m always excited when I make it on anyone’s list – even if it’s for affirmative action. My attitude is, ‘Am I the token woman on this list? Because I’ll take it.’

I didn’t write my book, ‘I Don’t Care About Your Band,’ in order to give women a brand-new set of dating rules they need to feel terrible about not abiding. I wrote my book to make the women who read it feel good about themselves, and a little more entitled to be treated well by the guys they go out with.