Words matter. These are the best George Carlin Quotes, and they’re great for sharing with your friends.
When Thomas Edison worked late into the night on the electric light, he had to do it by gas lamp or candle. I’m sure it made the work seem that much more urgent.
Dusting is a good example of the futility of trying to put things right. As soon as you dust, the fact of your next dusting has already been established.
Religion is just mind control.
One can never know for sure what a deserted area looks like.
The reason I talk to myself is that I’m the only one whose answers I accept.
Not only do I not know what’s going on, I wouldn’t know what to do about it if I did.
I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a guy nailed to two pieces of wood.
Always do whatever’s next.
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, ‘Where’s the self-help section?’ She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
If it’s true that our species is alone in the universe, then I’d have to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they?
By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth.
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
I think it would be interesting if old people got anti-Alzheimer’s disease where they slowly began to recover other people’s lost memories.
The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going.
Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?
Electricity is really just organized lightning.
When you step on the brakes your life is in your foot’s hands.
Think off-center.
If you can’t beat them, arrange to have them beaten.
There are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls.
In comic strips, the person on the left always speaks first.
May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.
Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn’t mean the circus has left town.
The very existence of flame-throwers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I’m just not close enough to get the job done.
Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? Some people have to go to work and don’t have time for all that.
Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.
When someone is impatient and says, ‘I haven’t got all day,’ I always wonder, How can that be? How can you not have all day?
Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
I’m completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death.
Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.
If we could just find out who’s in charge, we could kill him.
I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me – they’re cramming for their final exam.
