Top 35 J. B. Smoove Quotes

To be a true comic, you have to have a signature move. You ever watch wrestling? And your favorite wrestler has the one move that he always does to finish his opponent off, right? Like when he climbs on the rope, and he always jumps off the top rope and finishes off his opponent – that’s what a comic has.

I wish black people had a flag they could put into the ground, like when the troops stormed Iwo Jima.

You buy a new iPhone, a few months later, another new iPhone comes out, and you get online to buy another one. You can’t get enough. You are addicted to Apple.

I just always found it easier to be the same guy onstage as you are offstage.

I’ve done everything. Selling door-to-door fire extinguishers… In bars, I used to repair those machines that have 10 different buttons on them to spray club soda and seltzer.

It’s an ongoing joke that a black man is always the first one to get killed in movies.

When I first started doing comedy years ago, I used to be the biggest Michael Richards fan. I used to love this dude. He was on a TV show called ‘Fridays,’ and man, he was tall and lanky – and I was tall and lanky. I love physical comedy, and he was a physical comedian, and I said, ‘Man, I love this guy.’

I’ve had jokes stolen a thousand times. But if you can do it better than me, you can have it. I’ve had jokes stolen from me in the club when I’m next on stage. And my brain will start to turn, and the gears will start turning, and I’ll go onstage and create a whole new bit.

I wouldn’t want to be someone’s roommate, that’s for sure. You can’t do certain things: you can’t leave the bathroom door open… you can’t put your feet on the couch, you can’t hide stuff in the couch.

I thought ‘Pineapple Express’ was hilarious.

If your boss asks you why you’re comin’ in late, you say it’s ’cause you stayed late.

You got to start by doing little things if your quest is to take over the world.

I’m afraid one thing – I don’t like heights. Heights bug me out. I’m not cool with heights. I refuse to do a comedy show 12 stories up. I’m fearless about everything else.

Police blog or entertainment news, it’s just good to see your name in print.

Before I got into stand-up, I used to be a hip-hop dancer in a crew, and my name was J. Smoove, and my partner was J. Groove.

I love to pitch things that I believe in and products that I love to use.

Being a parent is about your survival. Surviving the terrible two’s is the most important thing.

I was the hallway clown in high school.

My wife is a vegetarian. When my wife is with me, I eat vegetarian. When she’s not, I eat meat. I’m just being honest.

I think what I do in my acting world and what I do in my standup world is bring up a brand that I want to bring across. Once you figure out your brand and what you do, it’s kind of easy at that. You end up getting your audience.

I’m, like, everybody’s friend. I’m one of those dudes. I can be friends with anybody. Any race of person, any personality, I can kind of deal with them. I accept different types of people.

I would only take a role that I know I’m comfortable in and I can do. I’ve turned down plenty of things because I’d feel it’s not me, and I wouldn’t want to come on someone’s project and flip that.

My life is gardening, cleaning around the house and power washing.

I tell people all the time, as I was going through my process of being a comedian or being an actor and a writer at ‘SNL,’ I tell people that everything you do is all a piece of your puzzle to determine where you’re going to end up at.

It’s not even race; it’s a certain type of person that gets ‘Pootie Tang.’

Kids love me. I can bounce back and forth. I can discipline kids, and I can get into the mind of a kid. In my brain, I consider myself the ultimate video game player. The ultimate snack maker.

I should be European, man. I’m long and lean. I’d look good in a trench coat.

You turn hotdogs with tongs. Don’t you ever use those tongs on a hamburger.

I’ll drive down the street, and I’ll practice improv. I will sit there at a red light and see two guys talking to each other, and I will just start playing both characters. I can’t hear them, but I can see their mouths moving, so I’ll just put words in their mouths.

Believe it or not, I write on stage. I can’t write anywhere else; I have to be in a moment. I also have to challenge myself to make something funny out of a premise. I never have my own jokes written. I have to change things as I go along, and I have to entertain myself.

What happens in improv is you create your own storyline.

I loved Peter Sellers. I thought he was the perfect mix of physical comedy with out-of-the-box humor. I loved his tone; I loved his physicality; I loved everything about what he was doing as a comedic actor.

I have my website, The Ruckus, which is an Internet site, similar to the Funny or Die format, where people post funny videos. I get a chance to rate their videos; they get a chance to blog and kick it with me.

I’m trying to be the Jay-Z of comedy one day. I don’t know if there’s any comedy moguls out there, but I would love to be the first comedy mogul.

I don’t like to dabble in anything I don’t do well. I don’t talk politics.