Top 35 Retta Quotes

I would often get called in to play a very loud, obnoxious – which, truth be told, I can be loud and obnoxious. My issue was when it was like a ghetto girl; I didn’t think I was good at it; I didn’t feel authentic. And so I had insecurities about going in on it.

I was always silly in high school. I used to always get in trouble because I was laughing. I’ve always thought I was funny but never thought I could use it to make money. In 1996, I decided I was going to use my humor to get on TV to make money.

If someone annoys you on Twitter, check their feed first: you need to know if they’re crazy.

I moved here in 1997. It’s 20 years later, and I finally feel like I’m in this business. I feel like I could call my manager if I wanted to set up a meeting to pitch something and actually get it done, based on my history and the work I’ve done. I can’t say that I felt that way five years ago.

The only time I don’t get nervous is if I’m doing a home club in L.A. and I know all of my friends there because then I play to my friends. When I first started doing comedy, I hated it when my friends came; it made me more nervous. Now I just try to make them laugh.

Growing up in Jersey makes you a little bit ballsier, a little more outspoken.

When it comes to this business and becoming a comedy superstar, I’ve never really thought about things holding me back. I think about what to do to go the next place. Comedy now isn’t the only thing for me.

I know that meeting a black woman with a love for hockey is a bit like stumbling upon a unicorn in the woods… or a unicorn anywhere. I’m sure it’d be just as surreal finding a unicorn in downtown Chicago. But here I am.

The Kings made me a jersey that said ‘Treat yo’ self’ on the back.

The best shows to tweet about are the ones that are hilarious, but they might not necessarily be trying to be hilarious. Those are the easiest and the funniest because you’re like ‘come onnnn.’

I prefer to tell stories. If it’s funny, then I want to do it on stage.

I’m a big girl, so I want somebody that’s going to make me look a little bit smaller.

My obsession is TV and movies, so I order an obscene amount of DVDs. And I have an obsession with handbags. So once a year, I treat myself to a luxury handbag.

I met Robert Redford at the Golden Globes because he stepped on my foot. He stepped on my foot as he was walking by, and he was like, ‘Oh, I’m so sorry!’ And I was like, ‘It’s all right. Robert Redford can step on my foot.’

I’ve actually taken meetings about hosting a late-night talk show. I don’t know that what we know as a late-night talk show is what I want. But I’ve been talked into a talk show, but it would be different.

‘Buffy the Vampire Slayer’ – I had a lot of friends who told me to watch it. And I was like, ‘I’m not buying seven seasons of a frickin’ show.’ It got to the point where, ‘Seriously, you have to watch it.’ Buffy is not my favorite, but it’s amusing.

When it comes to social media tea, I recommend that you take it offline. Keep your comments at Happy Hour.

Twitter makes me feel like I have friends all over.

I remember doing stand-up at an open mic a long time ago, and the MC was like, ‘Who’s next?’ I said, ‘Marietta Sirleaf,’ and he was like, ‘What?’ And I was like, ‘Ugh, okay, just Retta.’ It stuck with me ever since.

If you follow me on social media, you may know that I am an L.A. Kings fan. I’m not kuh-ray-zee, but I am definitely enthusiastic. I love me some Kaaannnngggsss.

I want to do acting as much as I can. When you’re on contract with a show, you can’t really do other shows. It’s hard to do film. I haven’t had the opportunity to even audition much for films because I don’t have an agent.

I do a bit called, ‘You go, girl!’ where I say, ‘Don’t tell me ‘You go, girl!’ I get it. I don’t need you encourage me.’ And nine times out of 10 after I finish the bit, some guy in the back will yell ‘You go, girl!’ I get a lot of that or ‘I hear ya!’ I don’t generally – knock on fake wood – get mean heckling.

I love a lot of television and live-tweet a lot of TV.

I only watched ‘The Vampire Diaries’ because my friends who loves vampires was like, ‘Just watch it.’ I was like, ‘No, I don’t want to watch ‘Gossip Girls’ with teeth.’

I like ‘Vampire Diaries’ because it has great stories.

When I first started tweeting, I was just doing it because I was watching ‘Breaking Bad’ in my trailer and I was so scared by the assassinating cousins. And when people started responding to me, I realized it was like I wasn’t watching it alone.

Once the writers got to know the actors, they would include certain things – personality-wise – for the characters because they knew you liked that sort of thing.

I think anybody who works with Malcolm, the first thing they go, ‘Holy cow! I’m working with Theo!’ because that was part of my childhood.

Funny enough, I don’t like vampires.

A lot of comics fly by the seat of their pants, and they pride themselves on being witty, quick, and off-the-cuff. That’s not my show. I wrote a show, and I want to do the show I wrote. I’m not interested in what the audience has to say.

When I was younger, I was an avid science girl. I was all about, ‘I’m going to be a doctor.’ Even when I graduated, I was like, ‘I’m going to be a doctor.’ Even though I did acting and I was in plays and drama clubs in high school and college, I still didn’t think I was going to take it on as a career.

When I started, it was all meter maids or the sassy nurse, or the sassy receptionist in the hospital. And I felt like: Are those the only jobs that large, black women have?

I didn’t have an agent before ‘Parks,’ and once you’re on a show, they’re not going to make money off of you. So if you’ve already booked something without an agent, unless they really want to hustle during the downtime, there’s seven months when they’re not going to make money off of you.

I love a sexy caper show, and I love shows about con artists.

Wine is crying juice. Rum is worse.