Top 40 Craig Ferguson Quotes

For me, comedy should have a certain amount of joy in it. It should be about attacking the powerful – the politicians, the Trumps, the blowhards – going after them. We shouldn’t be attacking the vulnerable.

If we are now holding late-night talk-show hosts to the same moral accountability as we hold politicians or clergymen, I’m out. I’m gone.

Don’t ever rope me in as a late-night talk show host. I don’t want to be one.

Scotland is a much lighter and more fun place than I thought it was. I was miserable when I was there. But it wasn’t Scotland’s fault. It was my circumstances. I was – I hate to say the word humbled – but that’s what it felt like. I was wrong about this place. This is a great place full of very fun people.

I’m a terrible interviewer. I’m not a journalist – although I have a Peabody Award – and I’m not really a late-night host. What I am is honest.

I am probably a pseudo-intellectual.

I’m not aware of having a creepy laugh, but apparently I do.

It’s not that we fly by the seat of our pants. We’re not afraid of failure.

I don’t know now if I’m funny. I just keep talking and hope that I hit something that’s funny.

I just do my thing and try each show to be more honest about why I am and who I am. It’s quite tricky and actually nerve-racking to do that. It’s kind of a happy train wreck.

HD doesn’t mean anything to me. It’s a technical thing. It’s like demographics. A lot of people know about it.

I’m reading a book, because I’m brainy. No, it is a book – if you don’t know, it is like a blog except bigger.

The truth is, you win the Lotto. That’s really how you have to approach it. You’re a lottery winner when you get a sitcom and it goes.

I have no ambitions beyond being comfortable in what I do for a living – and earning a living.

Historically, when Americans don’t know what to do next, they go to Paris. Benjamin Franklin is like: ‘What am I going to do now? I’ll go to Paris!’

I’ve got young kids, so it suits me to do a job which keeps me in town right now.

I don’t see my show as a stepping stone to something else like some people, who get a job then have a foot out the door looking for their next job.

I remember talking to someone early on after I was sober about how I suddenly felt awkward at parties. They said, ‘Well, you’re supposed to. Everyone feels awkward at parties.’ It’s an appropriate feeling to feel.

I don’t get emails from my corporate overlords.

If Scotland and America go to war, I’m afraid I’ve already sworn in.

I wanted to be a rock star.

I come from a very critical culture. You know the Scots. They’re always saying: ‘Oh, no. It will never work. You’ll never amount to anything. You’ve got to know your place in the world.’

Being an American is something I wanted to be for a very long time, probably since I saw the moon landing when I was a child.

My pilot’s license. I’m proud of that.

I’ve started looking at my own father a bit funny. He assures me, though, that I really am the son of a Scottish postman.

You know, your whole life you’re concerned about money for this and that. And then you don’t have to worry about it, so you worry about other stuff.

I am reasonably happy. I didn’t find Jesus or anything like that. Part of it is that I just feel that I could go home. I did not feel like that for a long time, but I could go back now.

I got sober. I stopped killing myself with alcohol. I began to think: ‘Wait a minute – if I can stop doing this, what are the possibilities?’ And slowly it dawned on me that it was maybe worth the risk.

I think sometimes that people think brave means not being afraid, which of course it doesn’t mean that at all. It means that you’re afraid, but you move past that and do it anyway, do what you think is right.

I try and live my life in bite-size chunks.

I think I’m just someone that just tries to get by. I’m kind of – if it was during the Second World War, I’d be a black marketeer, I think.

I said that the only way I could have a band that would work in the format of my show is if the band were crap. So if I have a band they’d have to really suck.

When I went out on tour as Bing Hitler I would hook up with Lenny and we’d get drunk together. He was always very supportive. He was a big star and a lot of what he said to me had power and impact. Apart from that, I just like him.

I think that clearly it has an influence, to be coming of age during the punk rock era, to come from a difficult and sporadically violent background, to have been in and out of such chaos, I think it actually helps. But I don’t know for sure.

I do a show. It comes on late at night on TV. And if that means I’m a late-night talk show host, then I guess I am, but in every other regard I resign my commission, I don’t care for it.

I used to psych myself up before the show and now I do the complete opposite: I psych myself down. It’s 12:30 at night, you don’t want some guy yelling at you. You want some guy just talking to you.

Why do people do things that they fear? It may be that the fear contains information. Something can be interesting if you get to the other side of that fear.

I’m crazy. I know I’m crazy ’cause Desmond Tutu told me, and he’s very clever. He said, ‘You must free yourself, be more of who you are. Be more crazy.’ And I’m going to.

I realized women and humor were linked very closely.

Is it really that important? It’s just television, for God’s sake. It’s not medicine or something.