Top 40 Elayne Boosler Quotes

I think about death. I don’t want to die with clothes in the cleaners.

You know, if you need 100 rounds to kill a deer, maybe hunting isn’t your sport.

When the sun comes up, I have morals again.

I’m just a person trapped inside a woman’s body.

My fashion philosophy is, if you’re not covered in dog hair, your life is empty.

I pray if I ever find out I have only about three minutes to live it’s during a basketball game, because then I’ll have, what, 10, 12 years to live?

When I was growing up in comedy, there were maybe 10 comics in the whole country. Everyone had a day job. You worked free for years in little clubs, then you got your big break and became a star.

Designers don’t put out the same sweater every year. They just keep creating.

While editors and newspaper owners currently fret over shrinking readership and lost profits, they do the one thing that insures cutting their own throats; they keep reducing space for the one feature that attracts new young readers in the first place; the comic strips.

I personally cannot tell you how many times we rescuers put our names on animals to come to us as soon as they are eligible for release, only to find they have been senselessly killed by overzealous pound workers.

The Vatican is against surrogate mothers. Good thing they didn’t have that rule when Jesus was born.

I’ve never been able to write for stand-up.

I have no complaints about losing money I put in high-risk investments. I did some of that when I had real money; my informed choice, my measured gamble.

San Francisco is really fun and liberal, and it’s my kind of politics. It’s like being Jewish in front of Jewish people.

Wouldn’t it be great to see a line in all movie credits that truthfully says, ‘Nobody was harmed in the making of this film, and at the cast party, all animals got a belly belly belly rub.’

When I played the Sahara Hotel in Las Vegas on New Year’s Eve, I got to bring Wiley, my 85-pound black lab. He’s responsible for my favorite New Year’s memory of all: At the end of the show, he ran onstage and then out across all the tables in the showroom, sending champagne glasses and gamblers flying.

The message of great art is to disturb.

Guys wake up at your place and they expect breakfast. They don’t eat bagels and M&M’s in the morning. They want things like toast. I say, ‘I don’t have these recipes.’

Stand-up is like a movie every night. You write it, direct it, produce it, the audience votes, and you go home. There’s nothing more satisfying.

When women are depressed, they eat or go shopping. Men invade another country. It’s a whole different way of thinking.

A study last year showed that the page you turn to first in the newspaper can be a predictor of how long you will live. No surprise, turning first to the Comics Pages prolongs your life.

I am thankful the most important key in history was invented. It’s not the key to your house, your car, your boat, your safety deposit box, your bike lock or your private community. It’s the key to order, sanity, and peace of mind. The key is ‘Delete.’

Calgary wins for my coldest New Year’s Eve gig. That’s when I learned Fahrenheit and Celsius cross at 40 below. I could see callers’ breath coming out of my phone.

I run everywhere and eavesdrop. It’s the best way to see a city.

My belief is that guns are too easy to get in America. My belief is that the NRA has bought much of our congress, to the point that guns are actually the only unregulated consumer product in America. Think about that. It’s stunning.

Incredibly, almost every hotel I ever played in Vegas was blown up shortly afterward: The Dunes, The Sands, The Landmark, The Aladdin, The Frontier, The Hacienda, The Stardust – all were imploded.

I deliver very traditionally, and people aren’t threatened. I think if I cursed or seemed wilder, I couldn’t get away with the amount of very opinionated politics I get away with.

We’ve seen the uproars around the world concerning cartoons depicting the prophet Mohammad. Anyone who does not think comic strips are relevant never had a fatwa put on him/her for drawing a picture.

Here is what is needed for Occupy Wall Street to become a force for change: a clear, and clearly expressed, objective. Or two.

I’ve thought for the last decade or so, the only actual place raw truth was seeping through in newspapers was on the Comics Pages. They were able to pull off intelligent social comment, pure truths not found elsewhere in the news pages, and had the ability to make it all funny, entertaining, and pertinent.

As a standup comedian, I’ve worked almost every New Year’s Eve of my adult life. It’s the best-paying night of the year.

I’d much rather see Richard Pryor or Jackie Mason in a theater than in a club.

I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.

My family was totally non-religious. There was no question we were Jewish, but we were not observant.

I wasn’t funny as a kid. I remember enjoying comedians, but I never understood it was a job choice or a profession.

I just get the feeling that if Jesse Helms was in charge of art in America, you’d go into a museum and see nothing but prints of dogs playing cards.

I always had a running commentary in my head that was extremely funny and off-center, but I never said it to anyone.

There are many comedians who are afraid to work outside the coasts and the casinos because they’re afraid they’ll bomb.

I’ve never been married, but I tell people I’m divorced so they won’t think something is wrong with me.

I guess in general, people tend to not eat the cute animals.