Top 40 Lisa Lampanelli Quotes

People with HIV and AIDS are nothing to be afraid of. They are people just like every single one of us, and each has a story to tell. These people should be helped, embraced, and not dismissed. We need to open our hearts and our minds to them, and we just may learn we’re pretty much all the same.

A roast is really an honor. If they picked me to be roasted, I’d be the most flattered I’d be in my life. If I could pick some people to roast, I’d pick my heroes, Don Rickles and Howard Stern. Those are the people I’d like to give some honor to.

The thing is, in the dating profiles it says ‘spiritual,’ but not with a specific religion. And so I pretty much try to meditate, but I have a very hard time concentrating on things other than me.

I usually get so warned when I go to Detroit, like, ‘Oh my God, don’t go to this section, don’t go to that section.’ I’ve never had any issues in Detroit. I love that there’s enough of a racial mix of people to make fun of. I’ve always had a good time there.

I’m not a political comic at all, so it would be weird if I just turned into a preachy, sort-of political commentator.

Betty White is so old that on her first game show ever, the prize was fire.

Too many people have already lost their lives to HIV and AIDS, and the more celebrities who can bring attention to the issue, the better.

I remember once doing a benefit for a Jewish charity and wearing an enormous cross. I kind of don’t let the audience dictate anything to me. I sort of dictate to them, and they better be on board.

I really think the biggest honor, as a comic, is to get roasted by either the Friars Club or the Comedy Central or someone like that. Because it really shows, you know, that you’ve arrived.

By being politically correct, you’re closing your mind to a different point of view. Which sounds a lot like prejudice. Which is definitely not politically correct. See what I just did there?

With Don Rickles and me, we’re just telling the truth. We’re not terrific people, and we’re not gonna win the beauty contest. We’re just average Joes. We’re just being who we are, and I think people like that.

You have to really be on your own side.

Make a list of the people in your ‘choir’… If you’re not on your own list, then you’re doing something wrong.

Don’t laugh at a hair joke, Trump.

If they hate you, they hate you, but I’ve always been polarizing, and I love that.

Nobody escapes during Lisa Lampanelli’s show.

None of my comedy depended on looks. I never did tons of fat jokes.

Andy Dick is so gay, he thinks Margaret Cho is funny.

I’m not saying the N word anymore.

I hate comics who look at comedy as therapy. But at least it gets things out of my system in a funny way.

I heard Cher say, ‘I answer to two people: Myself and God.’ I say, ‘I only answer to me. I’m not sure I appreciate God’s opinion.’

I was 25 myself once. I also thought I knew everything. I also thought that I could give singers singing advice and comics comedy advice. When you’re that age, you know it all, so I understand it. But when you’re tired and you don’t have patience for it, you definitely snap.

I know Bea Arthur left the Pam Anderson roast really early, but it could have been because she was half dead; I don’t know.

Every day, I wake up and ask, ‘Am I hungry?’ If I’m physically hungry, I eat something that’s hopefully good for me, and then do it again in a few hours. If I get a phone call I don’t like, I’ll say to myself, ‘Is that the reason I want to eat something?’ If it is, I try not to do it. It’s literally a lifestyle.

I got sick of trying everything. I tried every single thing imaginable – diet, exercise. I even bought a house on the health spa property, and I still gained weight.

I kind of knew inside that I wanted to try comedy, but it was a mystery. How do you start? So when I hit 30 and I had done everything I wanted to do in journalism, so I went to a comedy class. I figured I’d learn how to do five minutes and see how it feels.

I’ve gone through literally over 30 years of struggle with weight and food and body image… and I’m like, ‘Wait a minute.’

I lost over 100 pounds, so I’m even angrier than ever. I don’t stuff my feelings anymore with food. Skinny girls are funny.

We usually let our husbands negotiate the house and the cars. But I never had a husband, so I was always buying my own houses and cars, so I knew how to negotiate.

Insult comedy has been around forever. I can make fun of people, and they won’t get mad at me.

I’m not looking for ‘outer esteem’ anymore, what they call ‘other esteem.’ I’m looking for self-esteem. And people think that self-esteem is built with accomplishments. And, ‘Hey, look what I did in my life.’

I say every slur on the planet – racial, homosexual, everything to do with every ethnic group on the planet – and guess what? I will never apologize for that because I know why I do it, and it is to make a valid point about ignorance in this society.

I looked around and couldn’t believe no one has written a show about women and eating. It’s the biggest issue women have.

When I say I’m going gangster, I’m working really hard at something.

I just really work hard on myself every day.

Basically, I think some of the weight helped take some of the walls down in reality, so basically I got a little more confident. I’m definitely not super confident, but I am confident that I don’t have to hide behind those layers of fat and that I can actually open up to people a little more.

I’ve really been working on the emotional and internal issues that made me eat in the first place. It’s been a real journey.

The more conservative you dress, the more you can get away with.

I remember, after the Pamela Anderson roast, being told, ‘You’re sold out – you can add two more shows.’

Until I got the weight off, there was something inside of me that said, ‘You hate yourself.’ You get too depressed over the weight to really work on this. For whatever reason, I had to take the weight off to do this work.