Top 40 Spike Milligan Quotes

I am afraid that, like Timon of Athens, I just cannot let go of my friendships.

I have resigned from the human race. Look at the way we treat animals.

I don’t think of depression as contagious. Other depressed people challenge the idea – which can be very persistent and irritating – that there is something odd about you: that you are unique with regard to this wretched state.

We come across thirty or so hurried graves with makeshift wooden markers. ‘Private Edwards, E.’, a number, and that was all. Fourteen days ago he was alive, thinking feeling, hoping… If war was a game of cards, I’d say someone was cheating.

Money can’t buy you happiness but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.

Is there anything worn under the kilt? No, it’s all in perfect working order.

Is there anything worn under the kilt? No, it’s all in perfect working order.

We come across thirty or so hurried graves with makeshift wooden markers. ‘Private Edwards, E.’, a number, and that was all. Fourteen days ago he was alive, thinking feeling, hoping… If war was a game of cards, I’d say someone was cheating.

We reach a secondary road and – here comes the bonus – we pass the Temple of Neptune and Cerene, at Paestum, both looking beautiful in the sunlight. Strung from the Doric columns are lines of soldiers’ washing. At last they had been put to practical use. If only the ancient Greeks had known.

One important thing I recall about India was that it was quiet. It was never noisy in the way that life was noisy in London.

It was implanted in me that I came from a different class – an elevated class. I was cushioned by servants. I don’t remember doing anything for myself. I only played and went to school.

Things began to improve when I went to Rangoon. To begin with, my father was promoted, which meant he was at home more. The matriarchal society was ended, and for the first time, I went to a boys’ school.

I have the body of an eighteen year old. I keep it in the fridge.

Thankfully, we didn’t stop at Malta. I think Malta was thankful, too.

I’m not afraid of dying I just don’t want to be there when it happens.

I have the body of an eighteen year old. I keep it in the fridge.

Are you going to come quietly, or do I have to use earplugs?

As I kept having episodes of depression, I realized that it was not a one-off: that I had, well, not a disease, really – more an illness.

I’m a hero with coward’s legs.

I’m not afraid of dying I just don’t want to be there when it happens.

Money can’t buy you happiness but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.

Unbeknown to me, my manager, under my very nose (in a crouching position) has all these years been secretly compiling a book from my correspondence. I often wondered what she was doing in my office. She never did a stroke of work for me. All the time, I have been working for her.

Are you going to come quietly, or do I have to use earplugs?

Contraceptives should be used on every conceivable occasion.

I had stopped going to church the moment I joined the Regiment. No more could my mother nag me into God’s presence.

One important thing I recall about India was that it was quiet. It was never noisy in the way that life was noisy in London.

It’s all in the mind, you know.

A sure cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree.

The lunacy continues and has every chance of becoming a way of life unless we stop it soon. Men are getting so used to wars that the psychiatric wing of the RAMC are planning how to break the news to the men when the war is over.

Is the modern social pattern of unending change and movement the cause of two modern diseases, insecurity and dissatisfaction? How lucky Thomas Hood was to be able to write, ‘I remember, I remember the house where I was born.’ I don’t even know what mine looked like!

Driver Shepherd and I had been detailed to drive Lt. Budden in the Wireless Truck. We had been standing by vehicles for an hour, and nothing had happened, but it happened frequently.

My father was a soldier, which meant that he was a warrior, which meant that he was important. My mother rode a horse and sang in the Governor-General’s band, so that made her important as well.

I thought I’d begin by reading a poem by Shakespeare, but then I thought, why should I? He never reads any of mine.

Is the modern social pattern of unending change and movement the cause of two modern diseases, insecurity and dissatisfaction? How lucky Thomas Hood was to be able to write, ‘I remember, I remember the house where I was born.’ I don’t even know what mine looked like!

A sure cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree.

I shook hands with a friendly Arab. I still have my right arm to prove it.

And God said, ‘Let there be light’ and there was light, but the Electricity Board said He would have to wait until Thursday to be connected.

May 8th 1943. Deluge. The rain not only fell mainly on the plain in Spain; it also fell mainly on the back of the bloody neck, dripping down the spine into the socks where it came out of the lace-holes in the boots.

My father was a soldier, which meant that he was a warrior, which meant that he was important. My mother rode a horse and sang in the Governor-General’s band, so that made her important as well.

It was implanted in me that I came from a different class – an elevated class. I was cushioned by servants. I don’t remember doing anything for myself. I only played and went to school.