Words matter. These are the best Groucho Marx Quotes, and they’re great for sharing with your friends.
I never forget a face, but in your case I’ll be glad to make an exception.
Alimony is like buying hay for a dead horse.
I’m not feeling very well – I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course.
Why a four-year-old child could understand this report. Run out and find me a four-year-old child. I can’t make head nor tail out of it.
Room service? Send up a larger room.
I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.
Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.
I didn’t like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions – the curtain was up.
Wives are people who feel they don’t dance enough.
From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend reading it.
I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn’t arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and I’m going to be happy in it.
All people are born alike – except Republicans and Democrats.
Marry me and I’ll never look at another horse!
One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I’ll never know.
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
No man goes before his time – unless the boss leaves early.
My favourite poem is the one that starts ‘Thirty days hath September’ because it actually tells you something.
Getting older is no problem. You just have to live long enough.
Either he’s dead or my watch has stopped.
A man’s only as old as the woman he feels.
I wish to be cremated. One tenth of my ashes shall be given to my agent, as written in our contract.
The first thing which I can record concerning myself is, that I was born. These are wonderful words. This life, to which neither time nor eternity can bring diminution – this everlasting living soul, began. My mind loses itself in these depths.
Why, I’d horse-whip you if I had a horse.
I have a mind to join a club and beat you over the head with it.
I must confess, I was born at a very early age.
Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for him.
Please accept my resignation. I don’t care to belong to any club that will have me as a member.
Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy.
Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you.
Politics doesn’t make strange bedfellows – marriage does.
There’s one way to find out if a man is honest – ask him. If he says, ‘Yes,’ you know he is a crook.
I must say I find television very educational. The minute somebody turns it on, I go to the library and read a good book.
Why should I care about posterity? What’s posterity ever done for me?
Politics doesn’t make strange bedfellows – marriage does.
Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.
If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you.
I read in the newspapers they are going to have 30 minutes of intellectual stuff on television every Monday from 7:30 to 8. to educate America. They couldn’t educate America if they started at 6:30.
I don’t care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.
Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog it’s too dark to read.
Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?
It isn’t necessary to have relatives in Kansas City in order to be unhappy.
I remember the first time I had sex – I kept the receipt.
She got her looks from her father. He’s a plastic surgeon.
Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?
