Top 45 Pete Holmes Quotes

The idea of saying ‘the handsome Pete Holmes’ is preposterous.

People like Bill Burr and Jim Gaffigan and Zach Galifianakis and Sarah Silverman – they were all amazing and helpful to me.

There’s nothing you can do to increase or decrease the love that God has for you, but there are things you can do that increase or decrease your awareness of that love. That’s certainly been my experience.

There’s something about taking emotional and career and relationship humiliations, writing them, acting them out again, but then redeeming them in some way.

I went and saw Letterman when I was 15, and that had a profound impact on me.

As soon as I heard the term ‘comedy nerd,’ I’d hoped there was a lot of them.

I was raised evangelical, so if you want to get offended, let’s get offended. I have a master’s degree in being offended.

I am a comedian. My brain is critical – it’s overthinking – but you can find ways to turn it down and realize that’s not who you really are.

I mostly do faces and sounds. That’s what I do. Comedy doesn’t have to be art.

Dorks are not exempt from bad behaviour.

I’m a comedian. Comedians are supposed to be jaded, cynical, angry people. But I’m not: I’m a silly, silly fun boy.

I saved my money.

When my wife left me, in real life, T. J. Miller was like, ‘I’m shooting a movie in Pittsburgh. I’ll fly you out and get you a hotel room,’ and I spent a week with him.

Comedians really are like a species. That’s not to be exclusive. Anyone can kind of become one. You have to pay your dues, though.

Yeah, I had a talk show canceled. Okay, let’s go back to the list of people who had talk shows canceled. Johnny Carson had his first talk show canceled. Jon Stewart. Letterman. Conan O’Brien, if you look at ‘The Tonight Show’ as a show that got canceled.

Losing your faith is an essential part of having a three-dimensional, vivid, vibrant faith.

I really love the Frank Miller ‘Year One’ stuff.

My mom wanted me to be a youth pastor, and when I became a comedian, she said it was close enough.

I think a good comedian was probably bullied a little bit. Probably felt doughy and oblong and rhombus-shaped and strange and a little bit of an outsider, and then learned the healing qualities of comedy.

There are elements of comedy that can be competitive and back stab-y, but one of the underreported sides is that we love each other and help each other, kind of like a messed up extended family.

The biggest idea of a good time for me is making the Batman videos that we did. That is my ideal day. That is exactly what I want to be doing… I like doing cartoons. I like writing things.

I can’t speak for everybody. But I will say that for me, when I’ve been depressed – and I get depressed. I have irrational bouts of anxiety. I have random FedEx deliveries of despondency. Just like, ‘I didn’t order this. Oh, well, keep the PJs on, cancel everything you’re doing today. It’s time to take a sad shower.’

I’m down with Jesus, sweet Jeez, sweet baby Jeez.

I disagree with the idea that everything happens for a reason.

In real life, T. J. Miller is one of my best friends, and I’ll maybe see him for two or three days in a row, and then I won’t see him for four months. That’s just how our lives are.

We’d all like to increase pleasure and minimize pain, but the truth is, suffering, even collective suffering that we’re going through, is often the earmark that some real change is happening.

I knew I wanted a ‘Girls’-type show about my life, but what’s the big thing that happened to me? Oh, I got married when I was young.

Every human being can relate to wanting their thoughts and their feelings to be accepted and rewarded and validated. So in that way, a stand-up is similar to almost any profession. It’s very simply just someone who wants to be heard and live authentically and express themselves.

When you think about a festival from a comedian’s perspective, it has to do with who else does it – that’s number one. The second consideration – and this is kind of crazy – is: ‘What’s the food like? What is the town like? Is it walkable? Is it easy to get around?’

Every performer I talk to will, with different words, talk about the sanctity of a good standup show, how it can really feel spiritual. When everybody is laughing, fixed on the same thing, you feel like you transcend yourself.

When I look at what’s happening with #MeToo, my heart breaks, basically, for everybody involved.

Religion often is very embarrassing, and I totally get it. So I am sort of sometimes burdened with the fact that I love talking about it with anybody. Not just religious people.

Life is temporary. We die one day. Live it up!

When I grew up, my model of God was like a lifeguard: I knew He loved me, but He blew his whistle a lot.

When I got divorced, the first people I called were Nick Kroll and John Mulaney and T. J. Miller – all the pals.

I wanted to be a pastor. I was going to be a youth pastor. I mean, I play guitar; I like to make people laugh.

I didn’t like talking about my divorce. I think I viewed that as something that was embarrassing or a failure.

Sometimes I liken the comedian’s lifestyle a little bit to a firefighter’s in the sense that there’s a lot of waiting and a lot of nothingness. And then there are moments of urgent firefighting.

I hate when pastors have a gay son and then they become pro-gay.

The beautiful thing about stand-up advice is that it applies to anybody, any gender, any race, any age. The best thing you can do – everybody will tell you – is get on stage as much as you can. I would add to that: get on stage as much as you can – with the people you admire.

I think my mom recognized that I liked people to be happy. I like people to get along. And I like to be a peacemaker. And I liked the church. So she was like, ‘You should be a youth pastor.’

When I used to work the road, I remember I used to ask myself in the mirror, literally, like in a movie, back when I was not very good at all, I’d say, ‘What’s it like being the greatest comedian in the world?’

Starting the podcast was an experiment. I wouldn’t say I was very private, but I was probably as private as the average person.

So we have the story of who we are. I’m a man, and I’m a comedian, and I’m a tall man. I have big teeth and all these things, and I like the first two Batman movies, and I don’t drink coffee, or whatever it is.

I think ‘everything sucks’ is too often leaned upon as a comedic stance. It’s a really easy and pretty weak perspective.