Words matter. These are the best Phyllis Diller Quotes, and they’re great for sharing with your friends.
Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.
I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing.
The reason the pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can’t see him laughing.
My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.
The reason the pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can’t see him laughing.
Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.
If it weren’t for baseball, many kids wouldn’t know what a millionaire looked like.
Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.
Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.
You know you’re old if your walker has an airbag.
Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.
There’s so little money in my bank account, my scenic checks show a ghetto.
Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
There’s so little money in my bank account, my scenic checks show a ghetto.
We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.
It’s a good thing that beauty is only skin deep, or I’d be rotten to the core.
My photographs don’t do me justice – they just look like me.
Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.
Aim high, and you won’t shoot your foot off.
I wanted to become me, totally me. The more me, the better. I instinctively knew this and I was right.
Our dog died from licking our wedding picture.
Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age – as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.
I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing.
My recipe for dealing with anger and frustration: set the kitchen timer for twenty minutes, cry, rant, and rave, and at the sound of the bell, simmer down and go about business as usual.
A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.
Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.
The real reason your pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can’t see him laughing at you.
I asked the waiter, ‘Is this milk fresh?’ He said, ‘Lady, three hours ago it was grass.’
The reason women don’t play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.
The reason women don’t play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.
Our dog died from licking our wedding picture.
Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.
Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.
You know you’re old if they have discontinued your blood type.
Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.
My photographs don’t do me justice – they just look like me.
If it weren’t for baseball, many kids wouldn’t know what a millionaire looked like.
My father used to call me the laughing hyena.
I’ve been asked to say a couple of words about my husband, Fang. How about short and cheap?
You know you’re old if your walker has an airbag.
Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle – keep away from children.
The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
You know you’re old when someone compliments you on your alligator shoes, and you’re barefoot.
His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.
