Top 50 Kevin Nealon Quotes

With music, you’re laying it all out there. They’re judging you right away, and you can lose them quick. With the comedy, you’ve always got another joke to redeem yourself. Or, even if you’ve only got one joke, at least the punch line is at the end. Then they have to at least pay attention until the end.

I see the love in my child’s eyes when he sees me, and I know it’s gigantic. As an older person, I’ve been in love before, and I’ve loved, but this is really an immense, out-of-control-proportion amount of love that you can’t even describe.

I’m a member of the Studio City Driving Range. They have a nice little par-3 AstroTurf course and driving range. You know, I don’t belong to a course because I don’t golf that much, so it’s not worth it for me to join a club.

I feel guilty: when I’m not golfing, I feel like I should be golfing. And when I’m golfing, I feel like I should be home working or spending time with the family. So it’s a real conundrum.

If you want a transcript of tonight’s program, get a pen and write down everything I said.

I just loved stand-up comics as a kid. I’d watch them on ‘The Tonight Show,’ and I thought what a great craft it was to come out on stage with no instrument or anything and be able to entertain people.

I always tell people if you think you are susceptible to a blood clot, go check with your doctor.

Every time I think of Doug Wilson, I think ‘pathetic.’ When it comes between something for himself or something for righteousness, he’ll choose himself.

When a show has been on for so long, you lose fans, you gain fans. I remember this from ‘Saturday Night Live.’

I like YouTube; it’s really entertaining. A lot of it is crappy stuff, but there are a couple diamonds in the rough there.

People recognize me once in a while and appreciate the work. It gets a little embarrassing, but it’s good. If you work as an accountant, you don’t have people coming up to you in the streets saying, ‘Hey, great job on tax statements!’

Definitely not a TV junkie. I only record shows I want to see but usually never get around to watching them.

I’ve done this commercial with Arnold Palmer. He doesn’t play that much anymore, but it’d be fun to have him in the cart.

When I was very young, I didn’t really write my own material. I just memorized other peoples’ jokes. Established comics, like Stanley Myron Handelman and people like that. And then, for every comic, you develop your own style after a while.

I used to go to the Hollywood YMCA when I first came here, and I was standing in front of the mirror doing curls, and I noticed this guy next to me also doing curls. He was grimacing a lot, and I noticed he had an underbite. I looked more closely and realized it was Bruce Springsteen.

I worked for a temp agency called Manpower.

When you discover that you are going to have a child, it stirs up memories of your own childhood.

I met Adam Sandler through ‘Saturday Night Live,’ and we became friends.

I grew up watching stand-ups and thought it was so entertaining and unique – you didn’t see that as a job description anywhere.

I was born in St. Louis; I lived there for three weeks and then my father graduated from St. Louis University, so we all got in the car and split. I don’t really remember much. I grew up in Connecticut most of my life and then four years in Germany. My father worked for a helicopter company, so we went over there.

I became a vegetarian after I became aware of factory farming and slaughterhouses and the torture and inhumane handling of all these animals.

It’s kind of fun when you’re playing characters that aren’t quite on the up and up and people still like you.

It is a great rush to come up with a joke that gets a good response from the audience. It’s gold!

I’ve been involved in animal issues for quite a while, going back 24 years. I started reading up on factory farming and slaughterhouses and animal cruelty, and it didn’t make sense for me to be part of it.

My heart started running away, like a pack of horses. Then it slowed down and became irregular.

The thing is when I started doing standup, you had to have a clean act because that’s how you got on television. There weren’t all these cable shows. Also, I didn’t want to have that kind of act in case my family came to see me or my kid one day.

I play a lot of sports. I’m not real good at any of them. I’m above adequate.

I’m probably more of a stand-up comedian than an actor.

I have a severe addiction to ‘Angry Birds.’ I always tell myself, ‘One more game…’ But then there’s always another and another and another.

A special validates you as a stand-up by documenting your material.

I learned how to draw from being bored in school. I would doodle on the margins of my paper.

I was 5-foot-8 when I graduated high school, but then I shot up to 6-foot-4 and got more into playing basketball.

I think having a child makes you calm down. You sit still.

I’m Kevin Nealon, and that’s news to me.

You really have to be ambitious and have that drive to really become well known and successful as a standup.

Workers insist that they are not disgruntled. They are very gruntled.

I do have a place in my heart for animal shelters because the job they have is impossible – so many animals that need to euthanized because don’t have homes for them.

Sometimes people come to my standup show, and they think they’re going to see Doug Wilson. Or they see me on the street, and they call me Doug Wilson.

Never wear a red t-shirt to Target. I enjoy helping people, but not every two minutes.

Basically, I’m a people pleaser who has a knack for disappointing.

Don’t play dead with a vulture. That’s exactly what they want.

When I first began doing TV pilots, my expectations were high. I didn’t understand that world. So when ‘Weeds’ took off, I was so happy. Especially as I was just a guest star in the pilot. But once it got picked up, they made me a regular cast member.

I really like to read when I’m eating – ‘The New York Times’ or the ‘Wall Street Journal,’ paper version.

I tend to listen to Sirius XM Radio.

The funny thing about commercials to me is that many of them now don’t even mention the product until the very end. You don’t really know what the commercial is all about. They’re kind of like little movies, like shorts, and that’s why I think they’re so entertaining.

When I began doing stand-up, it took me a long time to get an hour’s worth of material together.

Print is definitely more nutritious. When I leave a website, I’m hungry again an hour later – especially the Chinese websites.

I think there’s a part of me that might be my alter ago, like the carefree, do-what-he-wants kind of guy, because I’ve been so restrained most of my life, going to Catholic school and being the good son and the good husband. It’s a fun escape route for me sometimes to lead that life.

Every homeless puppy and kitten was born to parents who weren’t spayed or neutered. I’m proud to support PETA’s work to prevent animal homelessness.

I am whelmed, and not overly whelmed, just whelmed about a lot of facets in life – just how fragile life is and the different challenges you have in life, phobias about things.