Top 50 Lee Mack Quotes

There’s nothing more damning in life than a child calmly and coldly saying, ‘Are you aware that you’re teaching me bad habits?’

I could have done a night at the O2 in London, but I couldn’t bring myself to do it. I’m not being big-headed, but for my act I can’t be talking to an audience of 12,000 people. There’s no intimacy.

I like Cornwall and particularly the Isle of Mull on the west coast of Scotland where I got married. It’s absolutely beautiful.

The problem isn’t that there’s not enough women in panel games. The problem is there’s not enough women in comedy in general.

I’ve never been able to keep my finger on the pulse of fashion.

Not Going Out’s jokes were based on the American mentality in terms of how often the jokes appear.

I’m not opposed to the consumption of alcohol. I’m opposed to my kids watching TV at seven o’clock and being told to bet and drink.

If I am old-fashioned, it’s not a conscious decision. I just do material that I think is funny.

I have a very clear separation between my life and my work.

My family were nothing but pleased when I told them I wanted to be a comedian.

From the age of 14, I remember thinking I wanted to be a comedian. But that was like saying I wanted to be an astronaut. It felt like a million miles away, something I could never do, but would be great to.

I’m terrified of flying and have tried everything from prescription drugs to booze and herbal remedies. The only thing that works is Valium. I don’t know why I’m so frightened – I think it’s from seeing my mum freak out when I was young.

My only ambition was to get to 50, and not regret not having had a crack at being a comic.

I would make it illegal to walk into a comedy club with a tie on.

I bought myself a juke box with my first bit of TV money and since then I don’t think I’ve ever really gone mental.

I talk a lot when I’m nervous.

The rules of comedy are, don’t complain, it’s a brilliant job. You complain, and you’re seen as losing touch with reality.

Now and again I’ll bump into people and say, ‘I’m a big fan of yours. Would you like to be in my sitcom?’ And they say, ‘Oh yes,’ but when it comes to the booking, they don’t want to do it.

When I’m on tour I just ring up the theatres, book it and go on. You can pretty much go on tour when you want but you can’t just make a telly show when you want.

I suppose if your parents die in their 50s and you are approaching 50, you see that you are definitely not in the first half of your life any more.

I really don’t like reality television and the nonsense that comes with it.

Not Going Out’ is a pretty neutral sitcom – to quote the ‘Seinfeld’ thing, it’s not really about anything.

Your voice determines people’s perception probably more than your style or your jokes.

It’s funny, because when you tell people you’ve stopped drinking, there’s an automatic reaction. People ask, ‘Was it a lifestyle choice or were you waking up in a skip?’

Since ‘The Office,’ everyone has this idea that comedy is only good if it reflects the way people really speak. But that’s nonsense – and it’s a problem unique to comedy.

I would say about 90 per cent of drunken idiots in comedy clubs wear ties, particularly in London where I work most of the time.

I’d been travelling in Romania. It was 1990, just after the revolution and you couldn’t buy anything so we’d been eating basic food. We went to McDonald’s and, I’m ashamed to say, it was wonderful. I hate McDonald’s normally.

I was 38 when ‘Not Going Out’ began, and I was playing a 34-year-old who had a thing about his landlady.

I use Wikipedia and eBay; I look for singles for my 1950s jukebox.

I never have fixed subjects that I discuss on stage. I never go on with any particular subjects in mind.

Genuinely my big thing and the reason I’m in ‘The Miser’ is because I always ask myself one simple question when I’m offered anything: Will it get me nearer to being ‘Doctor Who’ or further away?

I used to tell people I was a comic and they’d be fascinated. Now all you get is: ‘Oh yeah, my cousin Steve’s a comic.’

My first recollection of performing was shortly after my parents split up, so the logical conclusion to draw is that that affected me.

My kids would say I’m strict, but I don’t think I am.

I’m on my own when I say this, but I’m one of the few people that think that ‘Everybody Loves Raymond’ is better than ‘Seinfeld.’

I can only write what I would be interested in.

Bobby Ball, who plays my dad in ‘Not Going Out,’ is very funny. He has a magical sense for comedy that nobody has been able to replicate.

I remember being captivated by Steve Coogan and Eddie Izzard and wanting to do what they did. That generation of comedians was my main influence.

I do write a lot of stuff for my tours. I think I just want to give people their money’s worth. They’ve paid to come and see jokes so I try to give them as many as I can.

We’re all basically decent human beings so if 3,000 people are laughing at a joke then it’s worth telling.

I came to London with a girl. We lived together and split up very quickly. I was on my own in London so started going to comedy clubs.

I hate all adverts for alcohol. They’re evil. All of them.

Comics were always the lowest rung on the ladder, front of cloth at the Royal Variety Performance. What that means is you’re only there so Take That can set up behind the curtains.

I’m like a goldfish. My memory is terrible.

Going on stage is a performance, it’s an act; you’re playing a version of yourself. I don’t give it a lot of thought. I clock on, I tell jokes, I clock off again.

If I was reading a book about a comedian, I wouldn’t really care too much about their childhood.

I’ve got quite a few friends in the comedy world as you meet a lot of people.

When people say, ‘I don’t like laughter on a TV show’, I think, ‘How do you cope when you’re watching a stand-up gig live?’ – it’s the same thing!

Everyone talks about the gags, but the most difficult thing is coming up with the stories. You have to learn to do that for sitcoms.

Before Twitter, if comedians wrote what they had for lunch on a Post-it and put it through your letterbox you wouldn’t find it acceptable – but now apparently it is on Twitter.