Words matter. These are the best Woody Allen Quotes, and they’re great for sharing with your friends.
Not only is there no God, but try finding a plumber on Sunday.
I was nauseous and tingly all over. I was either in love or I had smallpox.
Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.
Why are our days numbered and not, say, lettered?
I failed to make the chess team because of my height.
The lion and the calf shall lie down together but the calf won’t get much sleep.
If you’re not failing every now and again, it’s a sign you’re not doing anything very innovative.
What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet.
It seemed the world was divided into good and bad people. The good ones slept better while the bad ones seemed to enjoy the waking hours much more.
In California, they don’t throw their garbage away – they make it into TV shows.
I am not afraid of death, I just don’t want to be there when it happens.
Tradition is the illusion of permanance.
I’ve never been an intellectual but I have this look.
His lack of education is more than compensated for by his keenly developed moral bankruptcy.
Seventy percent of success in life is showing up.
When we played softball, I’d steal second base, feel guilty and go back.
You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred.
Life is divided into the horrible and the miserable.
I don’t have to ‘freedom-kiss’ my wife when what I really want to do is French-kiss her.
Eighty percent of success is showing up.
There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?
Right now it’s only a notion, but I think I can get the money to make it into a concept, and later turn it into an idea.
My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.
Comedy just pokes at problems, rarely confronts them squarely. Drama is like a plate of meat and potatoes, comedy is rather the dessert, a bit like meringue.
If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank.
Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
Students achieving Oneness will move on to Twoness.
I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying.
As the poet said, ‘Only God can make a tree,’ probably because it’s so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.
The talent for being happy is appreciating and liking what you have, instead of what you don’t have.
I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose.
On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down .
I’m astounded by people who want to ‘know’ the universe when it’s hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.
Harvard makes mistakes too, you know. Kissinger taught there.
I have bad reflexes. I was once run over by a car being pushed by two guys.
If my films make one more person miserable, I’ll feel I have done my job.
Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as far as meaningless experiences go its pretty damn good.
Marriage is the death of hope.
I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead. Not sick. Not wounded. Dead.
Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.
I’m very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch.
Who bothers to cook TV dinners? I suck them frozen.
Organized crime in America takes in over forty billion dollars a year and spends very little on office supplies.
Life is divided into the horrible and the miserable.
Most of the time I don’t have much fun. The rest of the time I don’t have any fun at all.
I took a speed-reading course and read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It involves Russia.
Dying is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down.
What if nothing exists and we’re all in somebody’s dream?
I tended to place my wife under a pedestal.
