Top 55 Chelsea Handler Quotes

The whole point of remaining on cable is to remain true to who I am. That’s a bad, bad girl that got a big job.

Every time I had a book come out, I’m like, ‘Is it going to be number one?’

Every time I enter a country and have to write down my occupation at customs, I’m like, ‘I don’t know… Author? Host? Writer? Stand-up?’ I usually write ‘author’ – that’s the safest bet.

Seeing your parents fall apart is really rough. I wouldn’t wish it on anybody.

My standup is observational, but it’s self-observational, and it’s self-deprecating, definitely.

Everything isn’t permanent, so don’t pretend that it is. Everything’s supposed to move and shift.

The love that comes from friendship is the underlying facet of a happy life.

I always thought to myself, ‘I don’t want to be doing stand-up when I’m 40 years old.’

I try to make fun of everyone as often as possible, especially minorities.

Men are always like, ‘You’re so intimidating.’ I don’t find myself to be. But whatever – I’m not going to try to be less intimidating. It’s just a matter of finding a guy who’s able to deal with it.

People are following me because they want to see pictures of me. So why is Instagram editing them?

I encourage interoffice romance.

The challenge is to keep it fresh. If you’re talking about Britney Spears over and over, it’s very hard to keep that interesting.

Great guys exist. They may not be in the package you think you like, and they may not come when you feel you deserve them the most, but they’re there. I believe it. You should too. Because now I’m with someone who makes me grow every day. His name is Netflix.

I’m not superstitious at all. I’m not a Russian.

In a relationship, the sum of your parts should equal more than just you by yourself. He needs to bring something new and different to the table to up the ante.

Network TV is so limiting. There are so many parameters.

There are some really interesting celebrities and people who are fun to interview, but when you have to do it every day because you have to fill a slot, the allure wears off.

I’m into politics, and I love watching the heavier news magazine shows.

I like to celebrate my life. I have a life that I’m really lucky to have, and so I want to make sure every minute counts and that I go on great vacations and I share my memories with people that I love and that will make me laugh and lalalalalala.

I’ve always had a problem with authority. That’s why I had to be my own boss.

If you’re a member of my family, whether immediate or extended, and you want to see my show, don’t.

Have you ever been sued by a midget? It’s not fun.

You can act, or you can’t. I’m sure a lot of people who are serious about acting would disagree, but I’m not really worried about them.

MTV is known for their huge budget.

There’s times where you think, ‘Gosh, what if nobody ever wants to hear what I have to say?’

I don’t have a lot of shame. That doesn’t mean I can’t feel bad about the way someone reacts to me or about something I read about myself online. But I don’t have a lot of guilt, no. I’ve always been this way. I’m missing a chip.

Can you imagine peaking as a teen? I think if you peak in high school, there’s a problem. That’s what my sister always said: ‘Don’t worry, you’ll peak later.’

Everywhere I go, people ask me about Jennifer Aniston’s wedding. Everywhere I go. I always say to her, I’m like, ‘Being friends with you is a burden. You think it’s hard to be friends with me?’

TMZ is so disgusting.

I was broke from 19 to 26, borrowing money from my parents or my brothers or sisters every week to pay the bills.

I’ve always been exactly who I am on TV. I’m not playing a role.

I have severe ADD, and I’m constantly looking to amuse myself.

I think you do need two terms as a president.

I’m a devilish kind of person, but I embrace it. I don’t try to fight it. It’s proven very well for me.

I wanted to be famous. It’s embarrassing to admit, but I came out to L.A. thinking it would happen in no time. I thought, ‘Once they see me, they’ll be so glad I came.’ I always had a ridiculous amount of self-confidence about what was going to happen to me.

I try not to apologize, especially publicly. That’s a slippery slope, because I’m a comedian. If you take anything I’m saying too seriously, then you shouldn’t be paying attention in the first place. If you find me offensive, don’t follow me.

We women have to stick together.

I like being able to, you know, pack up and leave the country and hop on a plane and go wherever I want and stay wherever and bring my friends with me and bring my family on vacation. That’s amazing.

I was tortured, and probably half of it was deserved, but I was bullied – so much so that there were days when I was like, ‘I can’t go to school today.’ I was too scared.

My position as the best-selling author at E! is secure – unless Salman Rushdie develops a show with them.

That’s my biggest struggle, is maintaining a personal romantic relationship. It takes a lot of effort.

I try not to cheat on my boyfriends when I have them.

As the youngest of six kids, I grew up spending summers on Martha’s Vineyard, and I was always topless. All the pictures are of me in jean shorts, no shirt – with my brothers, playing football.

You can’t fast-forward heartbreak, and you can’t rewind love – and that’s just one big bummer.

There’s only so much you can say about celebrity, obviously.

Some people think Hollywood is shallow. I find that it’s home.

If you’re really looking to hurt somebody’s feelings, just break up with them.

Stand-up was my entree into the entertainment world. I didn’t have to act out somebody else’s words. I could just stand there with a microphone, and nobody would interrupt me. It’s the most narcissistic thing you could probably do.

When you interview celebrities, they’re so guarded so many times, they can’t reveal anything.

I have a huge impact with young girls. Young women. That’s my demographic.

I thought I’d become an actress, but then I realized I eat too much.

I’m very much about letting other people shine, because it makes us all shine brighter.

There are times I felt insecure or not sure: I’m unsure of myself, or I get nervous, but nerves are good. I try and embrace all those things. I try and embrace the times where I’m not sure of myself or I’m like, ‘Is this going to work? Is this going to land?’

I cannot be Mary Hart – or even worse, Samantha Harris – and stand there with my hip out talking about Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes taking Suri to an art museum without making fun of it.