Top 55 Chelsea Handler Quotes

Words matter. These are the best Chelsea Handler Quotes, and they’re great for sharing with your friends.

The whole point of remaining on cable is to remain true

The whole point of remaining on cable is to remain true to who I am. That’s a bad, bad girl that got a big job.
Chelsea Handler
Every time I had a book come out, I’m like, ‘Is it going to be number one?’
Chelsea Handler
Every time I enter a country and have to write down my occupation at customs, I’m like, ‘I don’t know… Author? Host? Writer? Stand-up?’ I usually write ‘author’ – that’s the safest bet.
Chelsea Handler
Seeing your parents fall apart is really rough. I wouldn’t wish it on anybody.
Chelsea Handler
My standup is observational, but it’s self-observational, and it’s self-deprecating, definitely.
Chelsea Handler
Everything isn’t permanent, so don’t pretend that it is. Everything’s supposed to move and shift.
Chelsea Handler
The love that comes from friendship is the underlying facet of a happy life.
Chelsea Handler
I always thought to myself, ‘I don’t want to be doing stand-up when I’m 40 years old.’
Chelsea Handler
I try to make fun of everyone as often as possible, especially minorities.
Chelsea Handler
Men are always like, ‘You’re so intimidating.’ I don’t find myself to be. But whatever – I’m not going to try to be less intimidating. It’s just a matter of finding a guy who’s able to deal with it.
Chelsea Handler
People are following me because they want to see pictures of me. So why is Instagram editing them?
Chelsea Handler
I encourage interoffice romance.
Chelsea Handler
The challenge is to keep it fresh. If you’re talking about Britney Spears over and over, it’s very hard to keep that interesting.
Chelsea Handler
Great guys exist. They may not be in the package you think you like, and they may not come when you feel you deserve them the most, but they’re there. I believe it. You should too. Because now I’m with someone who makes me grow every day. His name is Netflix.
Chelsea Handler
I’m not superstitious at all. I’m not a Russian.
Chelsea Handler
In a relationship, the sum of your parts should equal more than just you by yourself. He needs to bring something new and different to the table to up the ante.
Chelsea Handler
Network TV is so limiting. There are so many parameters.
Chelsea Handler
There are some really interesting celebrities and people who are fun to interview, but when you have to do it every day because you have to fill a slot, the allure wears off.
Chelsea Handler
I’m into politics, and I love watching the heavier news magazine shows.
Chelsea Handler
I like to celebrate my life. I have a life that I’m really lucky to have, and so I want to make sure every minute counts and that I go on great vacations and I share my memories with people that I love and that will make me laugh and lalalalalala.
Chelsea Handler
I’ve always had a problem with authority. That’s why I had to be my own boss.
Chelsea Handler
If you’re a member of my family, whether immediate or extended, and you want to see my show, don’t.
Chelsea Handler
Have you ever been sued by a midget? It’s not fun.
Chelsea Handler
You can act, or you can’t. I’m sure a lot of people who are serious about acting would disagree, but I’m not really worried about them.
Chelsea Handler
MTV is known for their huge budget.
Chelsea Handler
There’s times where you think, ‘Gosh, what if nobody ever wants to hear what I have to say?’
Chelsea Handler
I don’t have a lot of shame. That doesn’t mean I can’t feel bad about the way someone reacts to me or about something I read about myself online. But I don’t have a lot of guilt, no. I’ve always been this way. I’m missing a chip.
Chelsea Handler
Can you imagine peaking as a teen? I think if you peak in high school, there’s a problem. That’s what my sister always said: ‘Don’t worry, you’ll peak later.’
Chelsea Handler
Everywhere I go, people ask me about Jennifer Aniston’s wedding. Everywhere I go. I always say to her, I’m like, ‘Being friends with you is a burden. You think it’s hard to be friends with me?’
Chelsea Handler
TMZ is so disgusting.
Chelsea Handler
I was broke from 19 to 26, borrowing money from my parents or my brothers or sisters every week to pay the bills.
Chelsea Handler
I've always been exactly who I am on TV. I'm not playin

I’ve always been exactly who I am on TV. I’m not playing a role.
Chelsea Handler
I have severe ADD, and I’m constantly looking to amuse myself.
Chelsea Handler
I think you do need two terms as a president.
Chelsea Handler
I’m a devilish kind of person, but I embrace it. I don’t try to fight it. It’s proven very well for me.
Chelsea Handler
I wanted to be famous. It’s embarrassing to admit, but I came out to L.A. thinking it would happen in no time. I thought, ‘Once they see me, they’ll be so glad I came.’ I always had a ridiculous amount of self-confidence about what was going to happen to me.
Chelsea Handler
I try not to apologize, especially publicly. That’s a slippery slope, because I’m a comedian. If you take anything I’m saying too seriously, then you shouldn’t be paying attention in the first place. If you find me offensive, don’t follow me.
Chelsea Handler