Top 60 Demetri Martin Quotes

I thought I would, you know, go to college, get to law school, finish, and then get a job and work as a lawyer, but that proved to be not a good fit for me.

I like to use ‘I Can’t Believe it’s Not Butter’ on my toast in the morning, because sometimes when I eat breakfast, I like to be incredulous. How was breakfast? Unbelievable.

Sometimes I use my jokes as building blocks for larger bits. I like to draw and play music, so sometimes I do those things along with the jokes.

My plumbing is all screwed up. Because it turns out, I do not own a garbage disposal.

To me, comedy is a game.

I saw a transvestite wearing a T-shirt that said ‘Guess’.

But I found that disappointing people is a good thing, because disapproval is freedom.

I think that when you get dressed in the morning, sometimes you’re really making a decision about your behavior for the day. Like if you put on flipflops, you’re saying: ‘Hope I don’t get chased today.’ ‘Be nice to people in sneakers.’

Another term for balloon is bad breath holder.

I know about Woodstock probably as much as your average person who is over 30, where I’d know Jimi Hendrix, Janis Joplin, Grateful Dead.

When you have a fat friend there are no see-saws, only catapults.

If you can’t tell a spoon from a ladle, then you’re fat!

Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time.

I wrapped my Christmas presents early this year, but I used the wrong paper. See, the paper I used said ‘Happy Birthday’ on it. I didn’t want to waste it so I just wrote ‘Jesus’ on it.

I like video games, but they are very violent. I want to create a video game in which you have to help all the characters who have died in the other games. ‘Hey, man, what are you playing?’ ‘Super Busy Hospital. Could you leave me alone? I’m performing surgery! This guy got shot in the head, like, 27 times!’

I wonder what the most intelligent thing ever said was that started with the word ‘dude.’ ‘Dude, these are isotopes.’ ‘Dude, we removed your kidney. You’re gonna be fine.’ ‘Dude, I am so stoked to win this Nobel Prize. I just wanna thank Kevin, and Turtle, and all my homies.’

It’s very easy to go through your whole life and never really get anything done or have any real meaningful interactions or relationships. All of a sudden you’re dead, and I’m going to say that’s got to be a letdown.

I think, at first blush, the ’60s always enticed me. There’s something about the ’60s, it’s not hard to like it.

The bird, the bee, the running child are all the same to the sliding glass door.

Whenever I’m on my computer, I don’t type ‘lol’. I type ‘lqtm’ – laugh quietly to myself. It’s more honest.

If I have to move up in a building, I choose the elevator over the escalator. Because one time I was riding the escalator and I tripped. I fell down the stairs for an hour and a half.

When I was a kid, I always wanted to live in California because I liked skateboarding.

Saying, ‘I’m sorry’ is the same as saying, ‘ I apologize.’ Except at a funeral.

Specifically in stand-up, I love jokes. I love short, structured ideas and a punchline.

A drunk driver is very dangerous. So is a drunk backseat driver if he’s persuasive.

For example, I was a White House intern the summer before I dropped out of law school. Everybody knew about it. I’d come home and go to church and everybody would say, ‘Oh, my God. Demetri, you’re working at the White House.’

And of course I didn’t make any money from stand up for years, so I had temp jobs. That was the way I made money.

I think it would be cool if you were writing a ransom note on your computer, if the paper clip popped up and said, ‘Looks like you’re writing a ransom note. Need help? You should use more forceful language, you’ll get more money.’

They say that structure is freedom, and in a sense it is. When you’re dealing with multiple constraints, you have to figure out what you can get out of that.

A lot of people like lollipops. I don’t like lollipops. To me, a lollipop is hard candy plus garbage. I don’t need a handle. Just give me the candy.

People only have so much attention.

I do come across people who don’t like me, don’t like my comedy, don’t think it’s funny, it’s too cutesy, or whatever they hate. And it’s like, ‘Okay. That’s your opinion. Somebody liked it, so that’s good.’ Hopefully it balances out.

I just know keeping track of what I’m doing and where I’m going is important to me.

But what I was going to say was, I just figured I’m going to go boldly in the direction of my dreams, say it as Thoreau would say, and just see where it takes me.

The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce. Instantly.

Usually, my favorite joke is whichever joke I most recently came up with that surprised me the first time I thought of it.

But long story short, I didn’t start doing stand-up because I wanted to have a TV show or be an actor or even wanted to write sketch comedy. I got into stand-up because I love stand-up.

Let no man’s deathbed be a futon.

Stand-up is like a row boat: it’s fun and romantic when you’re choosing to do it. But if you have no other choice than to be in a row boat it’s not as enjoyable; that’s survival.

I keep a lighter in my back pocket all the time. I’m not a smoker, I just really like certain songs.

I wasn’t even a big comedy nerd. A lot of the comedians I know – a lot of my friends are comedians – they knew a lot about comedy growing up.

There’s a store in my neighborhood called Futon World. I like that name, ‘Futon World.’ Makes me think of a magical place that gets less and less comfortable over time.

I didn’t do improv in college, I never performed, I didn’t do theater either. I was in student government, I was a history major.

It feels like every day or two, people on Twitter and the Internet are outraged about something.

I have fun acting, and I want to do more of it, and I want to direct my own movie.

Okay, so, when I was a kid, definitely the drawings and the illustration. Then I stopped in sixth grade or so. And then I started again when I was in my twenties. I really didn’t progress since then, so the way I draw is the way I drew in sixth grade.

The comedians I liked were Bill Cosby and Steven Wright, like just always as a comedic actor. I always liked Gary Larson, who’s really funny for a cartoonist, obviously.

I think since I was kid people told me that they thought I was funny.

I tend to avoid televisions, politics, and places with velvet ropes.

I love Steven Wright. I was in high school in the ’80s, and there was a lot of stand up on television.

It seems that two of the most basic forms of comedy are jokes and stories. And, of course, they are not mutually exclusive.

I like women, but you can’t always trust them. Some of them are big liars, like this one woman I met who had a dog. I asked her her dog’s name and then I asked, ‘Does he bite?’ and she said, ‘No.’ And I said, ‘So how does he eat?’ Liar!

I’d love to win trophies, be in movies, have a body of work I’m proud of and find a way to enjoy it along the way. Success is probably a more of a complicated thing than that.

I’m always excited to try something I haven’t done.

I think it’s interesting that ‘cologne’ rhymes with ‘alone.’

I like stand-up. But I’d also like a family and house and a yard. I want to work with a lot of people, have colleagues; and on good film sets, there’s people there that work with the same people for years and years. I love that collaborative spirit in that medium. Comedy is a lot more solitary.

I am completely attracted to the idea of simplicity, or at least removing things that seem unnecessary when trying to get an idea out there.

And my only rule being if when I wake in the morning I’m looking forward to the things that I have to do that day, then I’m on the right track.

People and squirrels are very different. Most people will not argue that. But I find that there is one situation in which they’re very similar. And that is: when I am driving towards them in my car. Then they’re kind of hard to tell apart – especially if the human is kind of hairy.

My favorite fruit is grapes. Because with grapes, you always get another chance. ‘Cause, you know, if you have a crappy apple or a peach, you’re stuck with that crappy piece of fruit. But if you have a crappy grape, no problem – just move on to the next. ‘Grapes: The Fruit of Hope.’