Top 60 Larry David Quotes

Every relationship is just so tenuous and precarious.

Hey, I may loathe myself, but it has nothing to do with the fact that I’m Jewish.

It’s not every day that you get to be affectionate around something, it just doesn’t happen that often.

If I tried to flirt with a woman and she didn’t know who I was, she would run away.

I like to be quiet, and let people find me rather than having to shout at them.

If I wasn’t a golfer, I would still be miserable – but not as miserable.

OK, I’m happy. I’m happy. All right? I’m happy.

My background is degradation and sloth, mostly.

If you tell the truth about how you’re feeling, it becomes funny.

I couldn’t be happier that President Bush has stood up for having served in the National Guard, because I can finally put an end to all those who questioned my motives for enlisting in the Army Reserve at the height of the Vietnam War.

People don’t yell nasty things at actors – they let them continue.

The lunch in a normal American restaurant is very problematic for me. I don’t like to have hot food for lunch.

When I was living in New York, there was a lot of screaming in my life. I would just get into these altercations all the time. Being in public, dealing with shopkeepers, just trying to cross the street – things like that.

Once I know people know who I am, it gives me a lot of licence and freedom to behave in ways I wouldn’t normally.

Drugs scared me.

I don’t have many friends.

I don’t like to be out of my comfort zone, which is about a half an inch wide.

I was very fortunate to hook up with Jerry in the first place. The network was already committed to doing something with him, so I skipped a couple of hundred steps right there.

I just wanted laughs – that’s really what I was after.

And eventually as I kept writing it, something emerged that was not quite me but a version of me.

I think golf is literally an addiction. I’m surprised there’s not Golf Anonymous.

Trying on pants is one of the most humiliating things a man can suffer that doesn’t involve a woman.

It’s that I wasn’t suited to do the kind of comedy that these people were coming to hear – mainstream comedy.

You write about what you know.

I gave a funny speech at my wife’s birthday party, and I’m thinking, ‘Hey, I’ve still got it.’

I’m still driving a Prius, yeah.

I defy anyone to produce any evidence that the word ‘happy’ has ever crossed my lips. I am not now, nor have I ever been, ‘happy.’

I don’t like to make a big splash anyway.

Until I started doing standup, there were some very bleak days.

I don’t write shows with dialogue where actors have to memorize dialogue. I write the scenes where we know everything that’s going to happen. There’s an outline of about seven or eight pages, and then we improvise it.

All of a sudden I discovered that I’m allergic to caviar. It was the perfect metaphor for my life. When I was only able to afford bad caviar, I could certainly eat my fill of it.

Perhaps I have a wider range than I’d given myself credit for.

Obviously comedic styles do change.

I don’t take on big things. What I do, pretty much, is make the big things small and the small things big.

I think Michael Moore is a hero.

I tend to stay with the panic. I embrace the panic.

I wanted to make a living, but I really was not interested in money at all. I was interested in being a great comedian.

You know, I’m really not that bright.

I think that for the most part, when I started doing comedy, it had become very commercialized.

I’ve been in therapy. I know enough about myself now to know that I really don’t need to know anymore.

Anyone can be confident with a full head of hair. But a confident bald man – there’s your diamond in the rough.

I’m one of the idiots that negotiates after I write.

I tell people that I’ve now done one decent thing in my life. Albeit inadvertently.

Most of the time I’m thinking, I’m glad that scene was improvised.

I think that what people imagine they’re going through is much worse than what they are going through.

I’m surprised sometimes at how some of my actions are misinterpreted.

I had a job as a paralegal. I drove a cab.

Even back then, I exuded self-confidence, and that drives women crazy.

There’s a sense of spontaneity, and no emphasis on jokes in this show. People generally talk the way they talk in life if you were in this particular situation.

I learned the first night that IHOP’s not the place to order fish.

When you’re not concerned with succeeding, you can work with complete freedom.

Women love a self-confident bald man.

Most people are completely unaware of their breath. They violate your space, they have no idea that they have halitosis.

I’m not interested in closure. Some people just have heart attacks and die, right? There’s no closure.

At first, I didn’t realize it was gonna be a character. I just thought I was gonna be doing me.

I think we’re all good and bad, but good’s not funny. Bad is funny. Suppress the good and let the bad out, and then you can be funny.

Switzerland is a place where they don’t like to fight, so they get people to do their fighting for them while they ski and eat chocolate.

Anything that’s for free, people will take. They don’t discriminate.

Well, after the divorce, I went home and turned all the lights on!

I’m really only happy when I’m on stage. I just feed off the energy of the audience. That’s what I’m all about – people and laughter.