Words matter. These are the best Henny Youngman Quotes, and they’re great for sharing with your friends.
This man is frank and earnest with women. In Fresno, he’s Frank and in Chicago he’s Ernest.
My brother was a lifeguard in a car wash.
My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn’t need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.
If at first you don’t succeed… so much for skydiving.
If you’re going to do something tonight that you’ll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.
The horse I bet on was so slow, the jockey kept a diary of the trip.
You have a nice personality, but not for a human being.
I’ve got all the money I’ll ever need, if I die by four o’clock.
Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.
My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.
If you’re going to do something tonight that you’ll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.
How to drive a guy crazy: send him a telegram and on the top put ‘page 2.’
If you had your life to live over again, do it overseas.
You have a ready wit. Tell me when it’s ready.
What’s the use of happiness? It can’t buy you money.
My other brother-in-law died. He was a karate expert, then joined the army. The first time he saluted, he killed himself.
She has a wash and wear bridal gown.
The horse I bet on was so slow, the jockey kept a diary of the trip.
Take my wife… Please!
This man is frank and earnest with women. In Fresno, he’s Frank and in Chicago he’s Ernest.
A self-taught man usually has a poor teacher and a worse student.
She’s been married so many times she has rice marks on her face.
How to drive a guy crazy: send him a telegram and on the top put ‘page 2.’
I’ve got all the money I’ll ever need, if I die by four o’clock.
I played a great horse yesterday! It took seven horses to beat him.
I played a lot of tough clubs in my time. Once a guy in one of those clubs wanted to bet me $10 that I was dead. I was afraid to bet.
Those two are a fastidious couple. She’s fast and he’s hideous.
I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up – they have no holidays.
When God sneezed, I didn’t know what to say.
Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who’ll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you’re in the wrong house, that’s what it means.
I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.
My brother was a lifeguard in a car wash.
That was the first time I saw a horse start from a kneeling position!
You can’t buy love, but you can pay heavily for it.
This man used to go to school with his dog. Then they were separated. His dog graduated!
When I told my doctor I couldn’t afford an operation, he offered to touch-up my X-rays.
She’s a big-hearted girl with hips to match.
My other brother-in-law died. He was a karate expert, then joined the army. The first time he saluted, he killed himself.
My dad was the town drunk. Most of the time that’s not so bad; but New York City?
I played a lot of tough clubs in my time. Once a guy in one of those clubs wanted to bet me $10 that I was dead. I was afraid to bet.
She’s a big-hearted girl with hips to match.
I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.
I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.
A doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn’t pay his bill, so he gave him another six months.
Just got back from a pleasure trip: I took my mother-in-law to the airport.
A Jewish woman had two chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup out of the other one to help the sick one get well.
If my mother knew I did this for a living, she’d kill me. She thinks I’m selling dope.
Just got back from a pleasure trip: I took my mother-in-law to the airport.
There was a girl knocking on my hotel room door all night! Finally, I let her out.
While playing golf today I hit two good balls. I stepped on a rake.
I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up – they have no holidays.
You can’t buy love, but you can pay heavily for it.
Why don’t Jews drink? It interferes with their suffering.
I know a man who doesn’t pay to have his trash taken out. How does he get rid of his trash? He gift wraps it, and puts in into an unlocked car.
I’ve been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she’ll kill me.
My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn’t need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.
There was a girl knocking on my hotel room door all night! Finally, I let her out.
When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.
Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who’ll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you’re in the wrong house, that’s what it means.
You look like a talent scout for a cemetery.
This man used to go to school with his dog. Then they were separated. His dog graduated!
Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.
I’ve been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she’ll kill me.
Those two are a fastidious couple. She’s fast and he’s hideous.
You have a ready wit. Tell me when it’s ready.
When God sneezed, I didn’t know what to say.
