Top 44 Nikki Glaser Quotes

I had a guy on Facebook for, like, years just asking if he could PayPal me money, and of course I have to say no when, really, I’m just like, ‘Why wouldn’t I? He doesn’t want anything for it.’

I won’t tackle something like furries, because there’s nothing new to say. Also, I won’t do anything that I think will put my life at risk.

Being pretty was always a very big thing growing up.

I remember the ‘Jenny McCarthy Show’ being kind of funny, and I remember her being just like one of the boys. I remember her being counter to everything I thought girls should be on TV, or whatever. I kind of liked her vibe.

My boyfriend and I have finally learned how to embrace confrontation as something that will only help us as a couple.

A college degree was very important for them; it wasn’t for me. So I picked English because I’m fluent. I thought it would be the easiest to do.

I’ve been doing stand-up for a few years, and I have a handful of fans just from stuff I’ve done, like ‘Last Comic Standing.’ And as a fan of stand-ups myself … like, when I first discovered Sarah Silverman, I wanted to know everything about her life.

Why am I sharing this part of my life when it opens me up to judgment? But part of me wants to share that part of my life because I think non-monogamy is a normal thing for human beings to want.

Things end in this business. Shows get canceled, or you walk away from them – but most likely, things get canceled.

It strikes me as pretty interesting and cool how girls support each other in this business. I’ve never felt so much support in my life than from my fellow female comedians. I attribute much of my success to some of them.

Everything I write in my show is a collaboration with a team.

I went and hung out at a foot fetish party, and I knew that was a very popular fetish to have, but I didn’t realize how amazing it would be to have it.

When I did ‘Nikki and Sara Live,’ I think a lot of the comedy got lost because we were always so worried about how we looked, and so was the network.

I’m in a relationship and have never been on Tinder as a single woman, but from what I have seen, I think it is always good to have a picture with an animal to show that you are kind.

The more you work in this business as a comedian, the closer you get to just being yourself onstage, on camera, the more well received you are.

I’m sure I’ve already made some mistakes that I’ll wish I could take back.

Up until recently, I’ve said, ‘I don’t notice the sexism in the industry.’

My boyfriend and I are not good at fighting. We’re better than we were when we started dating – two breakups and three years ago – but it’s never come naturally to either of us. I have often wished we fought like I imagine Pink and Carey Hart fight.

My sister was very, very beautiful and I was very not. Doing comedy is the greatest thing ever because you don’t have to do that, and I’ve since learned to let go of that.

I just want to open people’s eyes to different things.

I nannied for a couple of months. The kids were super-funny; it made me wish I grew up in a comedy household. But nannying is demoralizing. I’m just not cut out for it.

I just realized I have probably spent more time in a strip club than Rihanna has, and that is saying a lot because she goes a lot!

I would much rather be someone with high self-esteem and less funny.

I’ve been saying inappropriate things since I was a kid.

I’m not a bleeding-heart feminist, but I do like to call out that stuff in my act. It’s nice when you find a perspective that no one has hit on.

There’s actually a thing called Wikifeet that’s the Wikipedia of celebrity girls’ feet.

If anyone’s going to bring about mass extinction, it’ll be Donald Trump.

I like guys with a sense of humor who smile a lot and are kind.

Just sharing things that are either embarrassing or possibly relatable, searching for that laugh so that someone makes me feel less alone. Like, ‘Oh, they laughed, so they get what I’m saying.

I wasn’t a good-looking child. I got screwed out of the genetic deal. My sister looks like a model. I think that’s why I’m a comic. I’m deeply insecure, since I was always feeling ugly. I wasn’t a healthy child. I had poor self-esteem. That’s why I need people’s approval.

I always told my parents, ‘Just give me till I’m 27 to do comedy, to make it’.

I think I deal with my anger toward my relationship or about my relationship or about my friendships or my family – I deal with it on stage in a passive-aggressive way, and that can be very harmful if it gets back to them, which it always does.

Sarah Silverman. She’s the reason I do comedy. Her DNC speech was my favorite thing I ever heard. Sitting down with her and laughing would be incredible.

A lot of being a woman in this business is about how you look… That’s not why we’re even in this business; that’s not what people want from us. We’re valuable because we’re funny and because we have a voice and a point of view.

People are just so insensitive because they’re ignorant; they don’t understand, so they’re scared of what they’re ignorant of.

Funny is funny. If it’s funny enough to women, it will be funny to men. I think that’s been proven by Broad City and Amy Schumer. They’re killing it.

I am a woman, so I never want to hide that or be like, ‘I’m one of the boys,’ because I’m not. I am aware of our audience. We always aim for the right combo of not hitting people over head but still getting our message across.

I remember thinking years ago about getting a half special, ‘When you get that, that will be it. That will be all you need to feel validated in this world.’ I feel like that special was just another set.

All my life – middle school, high school – I’ve always been worried what are people going to think.

The first place I ever performed was at CU Boulder. I went there my freshman year and discovered stand-up after my friends talked me into signing up for a showcase on campus.

I was inspired by people telling me I should be a comedian. I tried it and had a really good first set, so I was like, ‘OK, I’ll do this forever’.

As a female comic, if you talk about sex in any capacity, you will be branded a ‘sex comic,’ so I might as well go full force on it.

I don’t feel the same pressure to be perfect up there that I did in the beginning.

We just learned about this fetish where guys just give women money and know that they are spending their money. It’s not like a sugar daddy thing. It’s like financial domination, or something like that. These guys just want to give you money.