Top 50 Michael McIntyre Quotes

One of the positives of getting older is that you forget your age. Then you find out that you’re younger than you thought you were.

I’ve got some Jewish ancestry and I don’t like waste.

Sometimes I worry about things changing and people not liking me any more. As a comedian you do feel like you’re walking on a knife edge.

It’s hard to see your dad once in a blue moon.

I’ve been performing stand-up comedy for ten years, it’s what I love and will always do.

I would never be rude about somebody else in my profession because we all do this same thing. We’re just trying to make people laugh.

I’m thrilled at the continued success of the ‘Big Show.’

I think if anyone becomes so obnoxious to believe they could be a national treasure, they just need to go on Twitter and realise they’re not. That’s there to curtail anybody’s confidence.

I thought I was going to do some cult, cool, late-night interviewing thing on BBC2. But everyone kept saying: ‘No, Michael, you’re teatime, you’re not cool.’

I don’t know how it is with other people’s relationships, but my wife is always much more tired than me because she works much harder looking after the children, which is an endless battle – a lot of it is battling with them to stop battling with each other.

I want to look svelte.

Given this voice, I know it does sound like I’ve come from money. But my dad was Canadian and my mum Hungarian, so it’s not like I have some high-society, upper-class English background.

I don’t just like to use punchlines anymore, especially in arenas. They freak me out. There is nothing worse than 15,000 people waiting for a punchline.

I really, really love stand-up.

I like jokes where people don’t stop laughing.

I can sit and write clever things, but that never quite works as well as when I’m just chatting about stupid things in the moment.

I suppose I’m always a little bit on edge.

One of the weirdest things about Christmas in this country is that people love to watch ‘EastEnders’ when everyone’s in floods of tears and there’s a huge row. I don’t know if watching it makes them feel better about their own day. Personally, I would rather try to be a bit more positive!

I always used to want everyone to like me, because it used to hurt so much when people made snidey comments or gave me bad reviews, but I’ve learnt to deal with it.

A responsive crowd is great – they help you see new things in your comedy.

If I’m honest, I think everything is funny. You’ve just got to find the right way in. When I’m at my happiest and when I’m really on it, when I feel like I’m really on good form at the moment, everything can be funny.

There’s nothing better than having a bright, blinding light in your face and being guided by big, rolling laughter. There’s nothing more encouraging than hearing that huge sound. I’ve waited my whole life to hear that. You come away with the biggest high of your life.

Women like me. Women love me. But not so my wife need worry. Not in a ‘he’s so hot’ type of way. More in a ‘come round for a cup of tea’ way.

I have no ambitions to act, because I don’t know how to.

I feel a bit weird about turning 40. It makes you feel like you’ve passed over on to the other side a bit.

The only critics who annoy me are the ones who come to my shows even when they’re clearly not fans of my work.

My wife is very fit and looking younger every day, whereas I’m looking older day by day.

Australia is fun, but completely exhausting and confusing because I never get on with the different time zone.

Fame is sexy. And women are meant to find men who are funny sexy. But not me. Absolutely not me. Clearly I just missed the sexy bit.

I don’t like upsetting people.

I like the stage lights to be bright so I can’t see people because I will inevitably only see the ones who aren’t laughing.

Britain’s Got Talent’ is about those moments when an unknown person takes to the stage and changes their life in the space of a few minutes.

I never felt like I belong to anything – to any groups of friends. I never really had that.

Now I almost overly embrace how weird I am, how I look and how oddly camp I am. It’s almost too honest for me because I harboured ambitions to be quite a cool, good-looking guy.

I don’t watch any other comedy, I don’t study stand-up as an art.

Before I went into comedy I was a loner, very much wrapped up in my own thoughts. But I always liked myself and the way I thought.

The last thing you want is for people not to care about what you have to say.

I call people ‘captain’ a lot and it makes them feel special. Until they hear me using it for everyone, that is.

I worked every single night, not even caring if I got paid, to get myself known. Within a year I was on the Royal Variety Show and that was it.

If you can help it, don’t be rude to people. When you’re rude about someone and the audience laugh you can’t deny that it’s a bullying laugh.

I’m sure there are comedians who make jokes about me, but say something funny, not mean.

Stand-up comedy is what I do, and it’s so rewarding. If you write a joke and tell it to an audience of 15,000 people who laugh their heads off at it, it’s the best feeling in the world.

I go to the British Comedy Awards and, you know, quite a few people were making jokes at my expense. It just made me feel awful, because I am there with my wife and she has gone out and bought a dress. And it is my big night and I won, and yet the overriding experience was that of nastiness.

I had some terrible times – comparatively speaking. I saddled myself with a load of debt, I wasn’t liked by a lot of my fellow comics and I used to blame other people for me not getting a break. But now I realise I just wasn’t very good. And as soon as I became good, things took off pretty quickly.

Success and arena shows are a great anti-depressant.

I’m glad Carol Vorderman has left ‘Countdown;’ I mean, it’s not like she did much. She was effectively just an autistic shelf-stacker.

I don’t eat huge amounts, I’m just very lazy. But then this story appeared about me being on a diet and several weeks later I was snapped on holiday with my ”new physique” on display, which was basically my old physique under a baggy T-shirt. I hadn’t been on any diet. But I felt I had to live up to it.

I wanted to bat for the England cricket team. I was quite good at cricket. But then I kept getting out for low scores. It turned out I didn’t have the talent.

I don’t have any writers. I never get a laugh with somebody else’s jokes. I can’t do it justice.

The world is in a bit of a state. I don’t know how it’s happened so quickly but everyone’s a bit on edge. I’m not sure that our leaders are doing a great job globally. We’re hoping on Trump and Kim Jong-un – these two people who maybe aren’t necessarily the sanest.