Top 66 Roseanne Barr Quotes

Growing up in a Jewish matriarchal world inside the patriarchal paradise of Salt Lake City, Utah, gave me increased perspective on gender issues, as it also did my gay brother and my lesbian sister. Our younger sister is the perfect Jewish-American wife and mother, and is fiercely proud of that fact.

I meditate so I know how to find a peaceful place within to be calm and peaceful.

As a housewife, I feel that if the kids are still alive when my husband gets home from work, then hey, I’ve done my job.

I’m either mentally ill or Jewish. I can’t sometimes tell the difference.

It’s not really the job of a public servant to inspire, but to get the job that the people demand done. The Democrats think that if they have hope and are inspired, things will get better, but they actually won’t.

The quickest way to a man’s heart is through his chest.

I loved comedy all my life. I think it’s a real powerful art form.

Imitation is the sincerest form of show business.

You know, I’m blessed. ‘Blessed’ is a better way of saying ‘rich.’

My husband and I didn’t sign a pre-nuptial agreement. We signed a mutual suicide pact.

I always was a writer, but then I wanted to do stand-up because I thought that was a way that I could perform what I wrote.

I know that I pay 48 percent of my income to taxes. You know, I wouldn’t mind so much if it wasn’t going just to export war. If it was actually going to help the people of the United States, I would gladly pay more.

Experts say you should never hit your children in anger. When is a good time? When you’re feeling festive?

I was not raised a Zionist, but a socialist, as were most Jews before the Holocaust.

I’m tired of watching as men destroy all the world. Everything used to be beautiful when women were in charge, and now I, working as the physical manifestation of the goddess Isis and the reincarnation of Cleopatra, have decided to save the world.

And, you know, I liked writing humor. Well, I should say, I wanted to write seriously, but it kept turning funny.

A guy is a lump like a doughnut. So, first you gotta get rid of all the stuff his mom did to him. And then you gotta get rid of all that macho crap that they pick up from beer commercials. And then there’s my personal favorite, the male ego.

You know when you first get rich, and you, like, just buy everything that you see? I did that for several years. And I have sheds full of things, maybe sometimes nine copies of the same thing.

I want to eat, cook, meet famous people and make fun of them.

The thing women have yet to learn is nobody gives you power. You just take it.

Women of this planet need some essential resources: wells, seeds and roads. That is primarily all we have ever needed. Added to that, women need righteous and strong men who will help us to use our most cherished gifts: the ability to multitask and problem solve.

I want to say that nobody accuses their parents of abusing them without justification to do that. I didn’t just make it up. A lot of things were true and abusive and horrible things that happened to me that my father did.

Patriarchy is impotent and qualitatively unable to solve even the most simple problems in the cosmos such as picking up their own socks or placing a carton of milk back in the refrigerator after drinking from it.

We’re not meant to be parents when we’re 50.

TV family sitcoms have always been about fathers who know best and mothers who are so enchanted with everything they do. I wanted to be the first mom to be a mom on TV. I wanted to sent out a message about how us women really feel.

I hate every human being on earth. I feel that everyone is beneath me, and I feel they should all worship me. That’s what I told my kids.

The day I worry about cleaning my house is the day Sears comes out with a riding vacuum cleaner.

Excuse the mess but we live here.

I do kabbalistic meditation. It’s not unlike time travel; it can change the past and not just the future. You can look at what was lost and go beyond the grief of what was lost.

I’m very introspective, and I mostly don’t talk to people. I get into a real quiet, meditative place.

I like facts and data because they help me think clearly, beyond the cultural messages that I ingest unwittingly, and sometimes find myself regurgitating almost unconsciously.

Nothing real or truthful makes its way to TV unless you are smart and know how to sneak it in, and I would tell you how I did it, but then I would have to kill you.

Since I had my gastric bypass surgery in 1998, I eat like a bird. Unfortunately, that bird is a California condor.

A lot of people in television who’ve had successful shows claim the ‘Roseanne’ show as their starting place, and I’m really proud of that.

As Prime Minister of Israel, I will introduce a bill into the Knesset that will simply pay the Arabs not to shoot at the Jews.

I think I’m hysterical. I watch myself on tape and just roar – isn’t that weird?

I do say that I am in favor of the return of the guillotine and that is for the worst of the worst of the guilty.

I used to want to be a movie star so I wouldn’t have to live in trailers anymore. And now that I make movies, I spend a lot of my life living in trailers.

My hope is that gays will be running the world, because then there would be no war. Just a greater emphasis on military apparel.

I was completely nuts for most of my life.

Patriarchy is a bully notion, which if you will notice never attacks a nation that can defend itself. Zionism is patriarchal and sets Judaism on its head.

Judaism is one of the last of the world’s matrilineal philosophies. Matriarchies are always the cultures that patriarchy attacks and decimates, because they don’t spend all their money on the military like patriarchy does. They are easy prey.

I know how to do anything, I’m a mom.

Why have I been chosen to deliver the message of female intelligence and its divinity to a deaf world of males? I have asked my god that question and She answered, ‘Hey, why not you Roseanne?’ Indeed, why not each of us?

You can always get better. Nobody can stop you from getting better, and nobody can stop you from trying to make something right.

Women complain about PMS, but I think of it as the only time of the month when I can be myself.

I wish I’d done a tenth year of the ‘Roseanne’ show.

Take this marriage thing seriously – it has to last all the way to the divorce.

The American people are sick and tired of this ‘lesser evil’ garbage they get fed every election year. Both the Democrats and the Republicans do the same evils once they’re in office.

Both the Democratic and Republican parties are bought and paid for by corporate America and cater to the needs of the highest bidder as opposed to the people they claim to represent. I cannot be bought.

I always had a dissociative disorder. But I healed from it over the course of 14 years of big-time therapy. But, you know, I mean, everybody’s kind of loony now. So I was kind of a pioneer in the mental illness thing, too.

Anyone with a show on T.V. will tell you it’s backbreaking work. And if you have a big personality, which I have, and you’re a perfectionist, there’s going to be head-butting.

When I used to watch comedians with my dad, he laid it all out for me. He wanted to be a comedian himself, and he was so funny. We’d watch stand-up on TV, and he’d tell me the subtext of what they were saying.

Ever since I was a girl, I have written about one to five pages every day – on napkins, on scrap paper, in notebooks and tablets, on the walls in my room as a teenager, and in orange paint on the cheap white plastic blinds in my room.

I was raised on government cheese. As an adult, in my first marriage, my husband and I worked real hard just to go bankrupt. I happened to write some jokes about it. I did real well for myself.

There is no real third party in America. There’s this one party that has two sides to it – the Democratic and Republican side. It’s one party that has two heads.

Humanity is a failed experiment, but I think I’m God and I’d like to start over. I don’t want to die, I just want everyone else to. I certainly would not be lonely. It would be exciting never having to listen to another person again but just my own self droning on and on. That’s why I write a blog. And I read it, too.

The real truth is, I just want to keep the voice of dissent alive in all of our elections. I don’t really want to hang out with politicians.

My real life is funnier than anything on TV.

I’m not a politician. I think that uniquely qualifies me to become president of the U.S.

‘Winning’ in Hollywood means not just power, money, and complimentary smoked-salmon pizza, but also that everyone around you fails just as you are peaking.

Everything that’s written about me has such a negative taint. It just has a life of its own, like an avalanche, and I don’t think there’s anything I can do to stop it.

Nobody wanted the ‘Roseanne’ show. I heard from agents that there was no interest in a show about a fat woman and her family.

It’s okay to be fat. So you’re fat. Just be fat and shut up about it.