Top 454 Jokes Quotes

I remember on the pilot of ‘Will and Grace’ some executives from NBC saying to me, ‘There are too many gay jokes.’ I said, ‘If not on this show, then what show?’

People are always going to say stupid things, and you’re always going to be able to make jokes about that, but it should be the last thing you add in, because it’s the easiest thing.

Girls who use jokes to be nasty are often hiding other feelings they are struggling to express.

I want to be on a show that’s not sensitive to racial jokes; I want to be on one where they call me everything and I call them right back. There’s blatant racism going both ways. That’s what we need.

My personal opinion is that I don’t ever do jokes that are about disability or cancer or what are seen as ‘edgier’ topics. I’ve been affected by those things myself, and I think that comedy should be a safe place for people.

I’ve never sat down and written jokes. I wouldn’t know how to.

I exaggerate all our selves, our beings. I make fun of everything: of our life and what we are. But I don’t tell jokes, really. I just exaggerate life, and it comes out funny.

Small things make me happy, and I laugh out loud on the silliest of jokes!

Every day I do one or two podcasts that 92 percent of people never will hear. I’m constantly producing, constantly making jokes for Twitter. There’s a lot of pressure there. On the flip side, I think having to produce like that makes you a better comedian.

I’d get home at 3:30 A.M. from the bar after my shift ended at 1. I’d write jokes, film it, and then sleep. So I did that for two years.

I’m not good at anything except writing jokes. I wasn’t good at sports, I wasn’t good at anything artsy, ever. I think there was a real worry for a while about what I would be good at. I was just this chubby little Indian kid who looked like a nerd.

I’m not too keen on jokes that are one-liners. I want the situation to be funny.

I like Jacques Derrida; I think he’s funny. I like my philosophy with a few jokes and puns. I know that that offends other philosophers; they think he’s not taking things seriously, but he comes up with some marvellous puns. Why shouldn’t you have a bit of fun while dealing with the deepest issues of the mind?

Being on the plane is my catch-up time. I write thank-you notes. I read. I write stand-up jokes.

I just try to be as nice as possible and make fun of myself and laugh at the jokes.

I certainly don’t know a lot of anti-Semitic people, but I’ve got plenty of friends that have a whole bunch of Jew jokes up their sleeve, and every time it’s relevant, it will come up.

I could never sit down and write jokes.

Yes, my mom does keep making references to marriage, like all mothers do, but it’s only in a lighter mood… she just jokes.

I sort of try to write everything for me. I’m a huge sports fan but have no interest in minutiae. I don’t remember who won Super Bowls five years ago or listen to sports talk radio. I’m trying to make sure the jokes are self-contained so they’re accessible to everyone.

When I’m playing comedy, I never do ‘jokes.’ Sometimes I’ll deliver a line in a way I think is more likely to get a laugh, but all the best comedy is played straight. What’s funny is the way it hits the world around it or the way it hits the other characters.

My favourite film is ‘Tootsie.’ I suppose that’s because it’s very much about my industry and I love all the jokes, albeit a slightly bygone age of the 1980s, a world that I really understand.

Ricky Gervais has jokes about people with disabilities, but do I think that’s a healthy thing? Yes, I really do, because he’s chosen his targets very carefully, and he’s thought about what he’s doing.

Writing for young children I find I often use particular jokes with words and exaggerated, funny events, but some of these haunt the more complex stories for older children too.

From a very young age I’d learned to put on a brave face because of losing my mum. I’d always make jokes if anybody tried to throw sympathy at me.

I’m a joke comic. I tell jokes. I like writing a joke, and I like when a joke works, and I like other comics who tell jokes.

I tell jokes for a check; I’m on TV for a check.

I love practical jokes and humor. That there’s frankly no joke that I don’t think is funny. I love practical jokes, but I don’t like being scared.

There’s so much being said about Donald Trump already, all the time, and the more you joke about him, the more you risk making the same jokes other people are making about him.

I can’t do jokes. I’ve always come from left field and tried to subvert conventional comedy. I started as a rebellion against that – albeit a very soft and surreal rebellion. It’s escapist.

I want to tell my jokes. I want to have time with my children. I want to entertain people. And at one point, I’ll walk away from show business. But I don’t want to walk away empty-handed.

There’s a certain line between jokes and music and poetry that’s a bit blurred in my mind.

When you hire directors, you’re most concerned about whether or not someone from the outside will get the jokes.

Sure, I’m sensitive about my weight. I don’t do fat jokes.

I was so amazingly witty when I had the No. 1 movie, you have no idea. People laughed at every single one of my jokes. Then when I hadn’t had a hit for three or four years, some of these same people pretended they didn’t see me when I walked in the room.

Gratuitous fat jokes always hurt, no matter what.

I have a couple of jokes that are politically oriented, but it just sickens me to do them.

At one point, I wrote 20 jokes a day, and I had a commitment to send them to the same three people. Now, I just write down what my husband says in his sleep. He’s the funniest person, even unconscious.

I was a bit of a show-off at school. I told jokes a lot because I wanted to have friends.

I don’t mind making jokes, but I don’t want to look like one.

If you don’t have your experiences in the moment, if you gloss them over with jokes or zoom past them, you end up with curiously dispassionate memories.

My background is part of my comedy. Your experiences are where the jokes come from.

Going on stage is a performance, it’s an act; you’re playing a version of yourself. I don’t give it a lot of thought. I clock on, I tell jokes, I clock off again.

What’s fascinating about doing comedy about the referendum is, because it is the first time, it is the most extraordinary atmosphere. You find that if you are making jokes about politicians, it becomes intensely political.

Yeah, I am fun loving. I do crack jokes at times too.

I’m very self-deprecating, so I’m not afraid to make jokes at my own expense, and I’ve just found that makes people a little more comfortable and can open the door for people to feel a little bit more understanding and accepting of where you’re coming from.

I see my daft surname as a positive thing. It first dawned on me that I had a comical name when someone called me ‘Fishface’ on my first day at school. I’ve heard all the fish jokes since then, many times over.

The shouting and opinion and jokes don’t exist if there isn’t first a story.

Baltimore has been a punchline/punching bag for years – I’ve landed a few blows, to be fair – but those old jokes are out of touch.

I’ve always said drag queens are like Swiss Army knives. Most come from having to take $50-a-show pay and doing their own costume, wig, music and jokes.

Looking back at my school reports, I start off as quite a swotty kid, and then when I get to 12 or 13, my teachers start saying: ‘Lee has started to joke around a lot in class.’ After that, it’s a steady graph of decline, with the jokes increasing and increasing.

It’s not like we have a formula, but I think one of the reasons this show has survived is that it has a big heart at its center. Other cartoon shows have people crap on each other and make racist jokes. But I don’t think people tune in for that. I just don’t think a show lasts for 10 years without a heart.

You can never have a thousand percent batting average on jokes – it’s just never going to happen.

Larry David finds a way to make jokes about the Holocaust. It would never have occurred to me. And it was funny.

My dad died right after performing at the Friars’ roast for Lucille Ball and Desi Arnaz. I have that tape somewhere. There’s still a lot of good jokes in there. I mean, that was 1958.

As an actor, it’s always fun when you’re able to feel like there’s freedom to explore things and try out jokes and be funny.

A lot of my humor centers on the act of telling jokes and I think this can prevent certain audiences from suspending their feeling of disbelief. It might piss a few people off, but I can’t help it.

When I was very young, I didn’t really write my own material. I just memorized other peoples’ jokes. Established comics, like Stanley Myron Handelman and people like that. And then, for every comic, you develop your own style after a while.

When I was 12, my friend and I tried to sneak onto a plane from my hometown of Cleveland to New York City! My dad encouraged us – he was a wild guy, big on jokes.

We have come to expect campaigns to be mean and stupid and politicians to be unresponsive, self-seeking and for sale to the highest bidder. We make jokes about our vice president, and all we ask of a president is that he be likeable. We seem to have given up on the Pentagon’s corrupt use of our tax dollars.