Top 615 Joke Quotes

I used to joke I was a point-and-click actor. My whole process has been about trusting your instincts and hitting your mark.

An audience who watches my shows knows who I am, knows that right when they think I’m going to make a joke, I’m going to blow something up, or during the worst peril, I’m going to have someone give someone a kiss – it’s just going to happen.

I have this famous joke that I use: Why was God able to create Heaven and Earth in seven days and seven nights? Because he didn’t have installed customers and legacy technology to worry about.

I joke that my niche in Hollywood has been naked foreigners.

You’re over there in the corner either thinking about the dead dog or whatever, you’re bringing up your personal life and you need the space, and then somebody throws you a joke. Especially if it’s an emotional scene, you don’t want the joke.

You never want to defend a joke. People get to choose whether or not to laugh and whether or not they think something is funny.

A true Englishman doesn’t joke when he is talking about so serious a thing as a wager.

I guess my feeling is is that if you’re going to make a joke, that’s fine, but you should also sort of stand behind it, you know? A joke should be more than a joke, it should be a point that you’re trying to make.

I always make a joke: ‘Don’t look into the future; it’s too bright.’ That’s as positive as I can be.

Politicians have such large egos that it usually takes them an inordinately long time to grasp when they’ve become a pathetic joke.

On stage you look much larger than you are. You can have subtle changes of timing; how you place a punch line in a joke or movement or emotion according to an audience.

It’s a bit embarrassing for a company to be exposed for wrongdoing, but it’s really embarrassing if it’s done by making them the butt of a joke.

My life has been one great big joke, a dance that’s walked a song that’s spoke, I laugh so hard I almost choke when I think about myself.

What you never want to do is have a story that doesn’t track emotionally, because then you’re going joke to joke and you’re going to fatigue the audience. The only thing that’s going to string them to the next joke is how successful the previous joke is.

I never told a joke in my life.

Dominic Sherwood would always tell me a joke right before it was my take or my close up. He’d say a funny joke, and I couldn’t stop laughing, even after they said, ‘Action.’

A person reveals his character by nothing so clearly as the joke he resents.

I also try to think of ways to articulate the joke more economically.

I have done things politically, and I’ve been running a business at the same time, but I sort of joke that to some extent I do more than most legislators have done in their whole careers, and I’ve been doing it as a part-time job.

There’s been lots of theater that uses hip-hop in it, but more often than not, it’s used as a joke – isn’t it hilarious that these characters are rapping. I treat it as a musical form, and a musical form that allows you to pack in a ton of lyric.

I’m not a great joke writer, which is odd for a comic to say, but I’m not.

I learned how fast you can go from being an international hero to being a reference in a joke on a late night talk show.

If I just do everything the opposite of what my dad did, I think that will make things pretty easy. I can joke about it now because I’m past that stage where it used to hurt. By having a kid, it’s gone. I could take all that negative energy that I had and put it in a positive way.

People are learning to feel more comfortable hearing one another’s dreams. It used to be that if you told a dream in public, someone had to make a joke to relieve the tension introduced by that alternative reality.

What ‘SNL’ taught me that was useful on ‘The Watch’ was, only put in bad words if they can get a laugh – there was no need for swear words and beeps in places that weren’t necessary. Those beeps should only be in there when they mean something and it’s important to the joke.

I stumbled on a joke idea and style that worked, the audience went with it and, from that moment on, I was hooked. It’s an amazing feeling.

I like my messiness on stage, though I watch comics who come at a joke from every angle and I think, ‘Yeah! That’s how it’s done!’ But for me it’s the audience. If I feel connected to them, I have so much fun, and if not, it stinks.

A joke is not a thing but a process, a trick you play on the listener’s mind. You start him off toward a plausible goal, and then by a sudden twist you land him nowhere at all or just where he didn’t expect to go.

You go, well you can’t joke about race. Well if you’re from a different race and that’s your experience of the world and you want to talk about that, then fine. Or you can’t talk about disability, but disabled comics can talk about that.

I love a stupid joke, something that doesn’t make any sense.

Usually, my favorite joke is whichever joke I most recently came up with that surprised me the first time I thought of it.

The U.S. – the idea that the U.S. has introduced and imposed principles of international law, that’s hardly even a joke. The United States has even gone so far as to veto Security Council resolutions calling on all states to observe international law. That was in the 1980s under Reagan.

A friend of mine once wrote a silly article about all these metrosexuals like David Beckham wearing sarongs, and she described me as a ‘heteropolitan.’ I don’t know what that means. I think it was a joke.

I have a lot of glass in my house, and I remember saying as a joke once that I clean my stuff with Windex while my friends are over, but then I found myself actually doing that the other day. It’s horrible.

I’ve been joking that ‘On the Road’ is the prequel to ‘The Road.’ I don’t know if that’s a very good joke.

Someone said to me at a party once, ‘Oh, yeah, you’re a comedian? Then how come you’re not funny now?’ And I just wanted to say, ‘Well, I’m just going to take this conversation we’re having and then repeat that to strangers, and then that’s the joke. You’re the joke later.’

The joke about SAP has always been, it’s making ’50s German manufacturing methodology, implemented in 1960s software technology, delivered to 1970-style manufacturing organizations, like, it’s really – yeah, the incumbency – they are still the lingering hangover from the dot-com crash.

Americans do believe in progress and there is almost certainly a kernel of truth in the joke.

I’m gonna fix that last joke by taking out all the words and adding new ones.

Musician jokes are a kind of joke that usually have to do with how much money someone makes. Musicians are always starving, so they’re really mean to each other about who makes what.

The joke or the pratfall is easy for me to do.

When you’re going for a big studio comedy, the joke tally better be pretty high, and you better have some big comedy set pieces. That was one of the issues when I was trying to get ‘Swingers’ made for the first time, which is that there weren’t any broad comedy set pieces.

I think a joke is a form of truth-telling. A good joke that’s absurd contains elements of our daily darkness and also a possibility to escape that darkness. So, for me, humor is an attempt to capture everyday tragedy and everyday hopeful moments that we experience all of the time.

When you become fluent with language, it means you can write an entry in your journal or tell a joke to someone or write a letter to a friend. And it’s similar with new technologies.

It was that famous joke: What’s the last thing the drummer said before he got kicked out of the band? ‘Hey, I wrote a song.’

We associate the North Atlantic with cod. The motto of Newfoundland used to be ‘In cod we trust.’ It was a joke, but it was essentially true. But there is no cod anymore. And that’s extraordinary. It’s all because of either greed or politics – Canadian politics.

The joke we always say is that WWE doesn’t pay us to wrestle, they pay us to travel.

Comedy has always been important in my family. If you got in a good joke at the dinner table, it meant more than almost anything else.

A joke is a way to say, ‘I’m going to do something funny now. If I don’t get a laugh at the end, I’m a failure.’

Gentle dullness ever loves a joke.

So many guys are so conservative with their hair, and I always joke with all my buddies when they mess with me, and I’ll say, ‘That’s right, keep the same haircut for ten years.’ How fun is that?

But today, I feel the genuine warmth, the affection, and although I may joke about it, I am touched.

I was afraid no one would laugh, and I wanted to pretend I wasn’t noticing the audience. I didn’t want the audience to get the idea I was telling a joke and waiting for a laugh.

Sometimes my colleagues joke and call me Hannah.

The whole idea of a spokesman is a joke and a fraud if you drop someone like a hot potato if there’s controversy.

For the amount of talent I had – and I couldn’t dance, act, or tell a joke – I enjoyed a tremendous career.

You have to struggle a bit, hustle a little, and be willing to go bankrupt. Once you’re willing to do that, everything opens up and you get the freedom. My joke is that next year, I’ll make the first film that costs zero dollars.